Every so often (like every day) I think to myself that I need to get on here and blog. Mostly to act as a release valve for my brain that seems to be constantly awhirl with many unrelated thoughts, plans, dreams, worries,to do lists, and wonderings. So, it is Thanksgiving night - soon to be the day after Thanksgiving (I don't even want to call it Black Friday because I hate the whole concept and what it has become, though I know many who are out standing in lines even while I type), and I am the only one awake in the house. It has been a wonderful day with my kids (daughter in law included in that category) and my granddaughter, and grandmoose (the 90 pound golden retriever) and my daughter-in-law's parents. Like most people, I am ashamed at the mass quantities of incredible food I stuffed down my gullet today (doesn't THAT just sound spectacularly attractive?!?) but also had many laughs and some good conversation. And it seemed like a good time to write a blog post.
I see my posts as sort of an outpouring of the blah blah blah ticker running in my head. Not blah as in doldrums, but like the endless chatter that nobody really cares to hear. So I deposit it here so that even I don't have to listen to it anymore. And hey - if somebody reads it and even halfway enjoys it, that's pretty cool too.
I was getting a massage last week and the idea of time and its peculiar way of either being fleeting or insufferable. I don't look forward to that point in the massage when the Queen of my Relaxation places the warm towel down the center of my spine. Because I know that we are more than halfway done. Ok - maybe I am sometimes a glass-half-empty person. (But when it comes to massages, it's tough not to be) I was thinking about that hour getting a massage is lightning fast, but spend an hour doing something else.....like maybe sitting in traffic....or getting a root canal....and that same span of time becomes an eternity.
Or take children. Have you ever considered how it seems to take forever for that baby to arrive and yet all one need do is blink an eye and our babies are having babies of their own? Honestly, all I did was blink!
How about birthdays? When we are kids, the time spent waiting for our next birthday, or Christmas, or any other anticipated yearly event, is excruciatingly out of reach. But once we hit....I don't know....maybe 30, those birthdays are coming at LEAST every 2 weeks.....
So why babble on about time? Well, I had some pretty incredible experiences this past summer. Geez - it's been 4 months already since I helped to lead an event in Virginia that salvaged over 25,000 pounds of useable produce in 3 1/2 days. I learned some pretty amazing things....and found mysef being stretched in a number of ways. And I met some people with whom I felt an almost instant connection (which is VERY rare for introverted me) . And I wanted to blog about it.
But coming on the heels of that experience was my trip to Estonia. Where again, I had some fantastic things to chronicle. Ways I saw God work. Kids who captured my heart..Getting to see a young man and his mother who have been on my heart and mind since I met them in 2004. Frustrations that taxed every fiber of my being. I even kept notes during my time there so that I could blog about it.
But I returned home from that to a son who was having knee surgery. And several other significant life events took center stage. And I continued to work on building my practice. And looking for jobs. And putting life together. And appearing in a production with a new theatre group. Then came the arrival of my granddaughter. An event worthy of a blog if ever there was one. ( Sidebar: I've never been one to get all smushy and glassy eyed as grandparents around me gushed about their grandkids - no offense to any of you who might be reading, so blogging about the most beautiful child in the world would be more for my own expression of the nearly inexpressible.)
Our town recently practically monopolized the national news for more than a week. Many were blogging and posting and sharing. And for reasons I cannot explain, I felt a surreal detachment from the outpouring of emotion and grief that was pouring out of every corner (with the exception of course of my deep sadness and horror at what the victims were subjected to.) But I was baffled and saddened by the hostility that I saw and heard in the "discussions" when people didn't agree with the others' viewpoints. And the speculation and rumors flying. It sort of made me glad I had never pursued that career in journalism I had brieflly pondered way back when. After a while, it just made my brain hurt. Oh, I do have my opinions.....make no mistake about that....and I think I did sort of shock my dinner companions tonight when I shared one of them rather graphically. But I made a conscious effort NOT to blog about that topic.
Perhaps one of these days I will backtrack and properly reflect on the events that have taken place over the last 4-6 months....but the holidays ARE now upon us and I hope to find Christmas a little sooner this year than the wee hours of the morning on the 24th of December, like last year. The outlook is good for that possibility, as there are already lights on my house. Yes, folks, my place will actually look festive this year. And I am so excited about that that it makes tears come to my eyes. Or as the Grinch said, "I'm leaking!"
So as I too will soon succumb to tryptophan haze or overloaded carbs, I could ask, what am I trying to say here? What are my "take away points" as my friend Dean calls them? I have no clue. Just blogging what's been running amok in my head. And sometimes it's mind boggling. And now, it has officially been mindbloggled!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Blog Day Afternoon
I was thinking the other day that my life was feeling like a blog post. But maybe somebody else's because I always try to be kind of positive, and humorous and hopeful....at least at the end of my posts. But I wasn't feeling all that positive or hopeful. Which is why I was sitting at the Cracker Barrel sucking down a plate of sticky chicken and dumplings. Now I know that many folks - some of my own friends and family among them, take issue with Cracker Barrel and the philopsophies espoused by the company. Let me say right here and now, for the record, I was not attempting to make any socio-political statement. I needed comfort food and I needed it NOW and nobody serves up food that is so simultaneously detrimental and comforting like Cracker Barrel.
And as I sat slurping my dumplings and pondering life at the moment, I started to think I was sounding like a letter to Roseanne Roseannadanna. At least the ones written to her by "A Mr. Richard Feder".
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
I'm not sleeping well, my hair is falling out, my house is a mess, I'm anxious all the time, my face is breaking out, I'm overweight, I don't have a job and my car just died in the parking lot of Kohls and I have to go to a baby shower 2 hours away tomorrow. What should I do?
And her answer to me would be something like she always said to Richard Feder - "You sound lahk a real attractive guy!" well, gal. yeah, don't I though?
And then, almost blasphemically (is that a word?) I thought about the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan River and how a voice came out of heaven which included the words "In whom I am well pleased." And I thought, wow! I could use that right now - a few doves, a beam of light....and a big voice letting the world know that there are still some things about me about which someone could be "well pleased." Because honestly at that moment in time, it didn't feel like it. It felt a little more like there was a big flashing neon light above my head that was flashing LOSER. And with my luck, it probably had pink flamingoes on it. :) In fact, as I thought about blogging it all, I reminded myself that I had started a challenge not too long ago on this blog - 52 weeks to a better me.....and I realized that even that is going to have to be tabled for awhile. I am still working on truly getting myself to the starting line on that one. The last assignment was to "Surpass Yourself" and all the superlatives in the assignment were daunting - "better than EVER"....."in EVERYTHING you do" etc. I didn't used to let my kids use words like never, always, everybody and nobody and here I was putting that burden on myself. I also realized in that introspective time at Cracker Barrel that I had only surpassed myself in the number of tears shed, hours I lingered in bed unable to get motivated to get up, anxious thoughts, uncompleted tasks, pounds gained in a short period of time, and panic attacks. Not something I wanted to proudly blog about. Except I just did. oops.
So I decided to try and take a step out from under that neon L sign and I left my server a large tip. For a couple of reasons, really - #1. He was an excellent server- and in him I was "well pleased" and I figured hey! if I need to know that about myself today, maybe he does too. #2. I didn't have any smaller bills and was too lazy to ask for change then walk ALL THE WAY back to the table. #3. I know that focusing on someone else is the first and best way to get out of the trench of self- pity.
As I walked to the parking lot, I tried to imagine a "well pleased" beam shooting out of the heavens. I can honestly say my dog is well-pleased with me. Don't knock it - it's a start. And I have some friends and family members who in recent weeks have absolutely showered me with support and love - and meals, and affirming words and emails with Scripture passages that are just what I need at that moment, and connection time at Panera, yard work, prayers.....the list amazes me. I used to say "I don't really have any friends in this town" but I have been blown away by the blessings that have come to me from unexpected situations. They know my warts, metaphorically speaking, and they love me anyway. They seem to be "pleased" to know me. And yesterday, a brand new client genuinely seemed to be "well pleased" with me after his appointment. And I was astounded. So maybe no beam of light is going to appear over my head.....unless I'm about to be abducted by aliens.....but I am definitely sensing the "sufficient grace" that the Bible talks about and it's getting me through these days of uncertainty.
So, you're right, Roseanne Roseannadanna, if it's not one thing, it's another. And we all have some choice at those times - about what to believe, how to act, whether or not to let people in or to reach out, the list goes on....and now, since the sun is finally out in central Pennsylvania, I think I will cause my pup to be well pleased with me and take her for a walk.
Goodnight, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
And as I sat slurping my dumplings and pondering life at the moment, I started to think I was sounding like a letter to Roseanne Roseannadanna. At least the ones written to her by "A Mr. Richard Feder".
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
I'm not sleeping well, my hair is falling out, my house is a mess, I'm anxious all the time, my face is breaking out, I'm overweight, I don't have a job and my car just died in the parking lot of Kohls and I have to go to a baby shower 2 hours away tomorrow. What should I do?
And her answer to me would be something like she always said to Richard Feder - "You sound lahk a real attractive guy!" well, gal. yeah, don't I though?
And then, almost blasphemically (is that a word?) I thought about the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan River and how a voice came out of heaven which included the words "In whom I am well pleased." And I thought, wow! I could use that right now - a few doves, a beam of light....and a big voice letting the world know that there are still some things about me about which someone could be "well pleased." Because honestly at that moment in time, it didn't feel like it. It felt a little more like there was a big flashing neon light above my head that was flashing LOSER. And with my luck, it probably had pink flamingoes on it. :) In fact, as I thought about blogging it all, I reminded myself that I had started a challenge not too long ago on this blog - 52 weeks to a better me.....and I realized that even that is going to have to be tabled for awhile. I am still working on truly getting myself to the starting line on that one. The last assignment was to "Surpass Yourself" and all the superlatives in the assignment were daunting - "better than EVER"....."in EVERYTHING you do" etc. I didn't used to let my kids use words like never, always, everybody and nobody and here I was putting that burden on myself. I also realized in that introspective time at Cracker Barrel that I had only surpassed myself in the number of tears shed, hours I lingered in bed unable to get motivated to get up, anxious thoughts, uncompleted tasks, pounds gained in a short period of time, and panic attacks. Not something I wanted to proudly blog about. Except I just did. oops.
So I decided to try and take a step out from under that neon L sign and I left my server a large tip. For a couple of reasons, really - #1. He was an excellent server- and in him I was "well pleased" and I figured hey! if I need to know that about myself today, maybe he does too. #2. I didn't have any smaller bills and was too lazy to ask for change then walk ALL THE WAY back to the table. #3. I know that focusing on someone else is the first and best way to get out of the trench of self- pity.
As I walked to the parking lot, I tried to imagine a "well pleased" beam shooting out of the heavens. I can honestly say my dog is well-pleased with me. Don't knock it - it's a start. And I have some friends and family members who in recent weeks have absolutely showered me with support and love - and meals, and affirming words and emails with Scripture passages that are just what I need at that moment, and connection time at Panera, yard work, prayers.....the list amazes me. I used to say "I don't really have any friends in this town" but I have been blown away by the blessings that have come to me from unexpected situations. They know my warts, metaphorically speaking, and they love me anyway. They seem to be "pleased" to know me. And yesterday, a brand new client genuinely seemed to be "well pleased" with me after his appointment. And I was astounded. So maybe no beam of light is going to appear over my head.....unless I'm about to be abducted by aliens.....but I am definitely sensing the "sufficient grace" that the Bible talks about and it's getting me through these days of uncertainty.
So, you're right, Roseanne Roseannadanna, if it's not one thing, it's another. And we all have some choice at those times - about what to believe, how to act, whether or not to let people in or to reach out, the list goes on....and now, since the sun is finally out in central Pennsylvania, I think I will cause my pup to be well pleased with me and take her for a walk.
Goodnight, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Alas, I thought this one would be easy.....assignment #2
Good afternoon Boys and Girls!
Your homework for this week is: dun dun duhnnnn.......SURPASS YOURSELF! I guess that's a step further than being beside yourself :)
So here's the description - straight from the card - so don't blame me for any part of it you don't like:
Do more and do it better this week.
Really extend yourself, more than ever before, to do the best possible in everything you undertake. You'll see, it's an extraordinary way to make yourself feel good, to feel stronger and happier as you review your day while lying in bed waiting to fall asleep. It's also an excellent way to feel eager to get up in the morning, knowing that you have the challenge to give your best all day long. Also pay attention to how others react to you. You'll probably notice that they appreciate you more than usual.
Whew. And I thought this one was going to be easy! A few thoughts came to mind as I typed that....
* I wish it hadn't said "more than ever before" because quite honestly, given my recent state of being, surpassing myself for the week had a very low bar - one that I thought would be attainable. But this poses quite a challenge. Although I can probably be successful in the "more than ever before" qualification if I stick to things like housework. But no! It says "in everything you undertake". well I guess challenges are for .....being challenging. Ok. next thought I had...
* "lying in bed waiting to fall asleep".....not sure I have ever had that experience. it's more like I fall asleep and the bed waits for me to make my way to it. What the heck- I will try to stay awake long enough to review my all surpassing days this week. Or maybe this means I can surpass myself in sleeping, too? Hmmmm now we're talking!
* "eager to get up in the morning" Who are they trying to kid??? Obviously the creator of this little game doesn't know me very well. Eager and morning cannot peacefully coexist in my world. Except at the beach. Or on Christmas morning. And neither of those things will be happening this week. sigh
It's only week 2 on the way to a better me and I'm already questioning the wisdom of making myself accountable in such a public venue as Blogspot. Geez I'm glad I'm not really published yet. But what have you and I got to lose? Let's get crackin - stop being beside yourself and surpass yourself - in every way, every day, this week! and don't forget to send me your stories!
Ready, Set, Go!!!
Your homework for this week is: dun dun duhnnnn.......SURPASS YOURSELF! I guess that's a step further than being beside yourself :)
So here's the description - straight from the card - so don't blame me for any part of it you don't like:
Do more and do it better this week.
Really extend yourself, more than ever before, to do the best possible in everything you undertake. You'll see, it's an extraordinary way to make yourself feel good, to feel stronger and happier as you review your day while lying in bed waiting to fall asleep. It's also an excellent way to feel eager to get up in the morning, knowing that you have the challenge to give your best all day long. Also pay attention to how others react to you. You'll probably notice that they appreciate you more than usual.
Whew. And I thought this one was going to be easy! A few thoughts came to mind as I typed that....
* I wish it hadn't said "more than ever before" because quite honestly, given my recent state of being, surpassing myself for the week had a very low bar - one that I thought would be attainable. But this poses quite a challenge. Although I can probably be successful in the "more than ever before" qualification if I stick to things like housework. But no! It says "in everything you undertake". well I guess challenges are for .....being challenging. Ok. next thought I had...
* "lying in bed waiting to fall asleep".....not sure I have ever had that experience. it's more like I fall asleep and the bed waits for me to make my way to it. What the heck- I will try to stay awake long enough to review my all surpassing days this week. Or maybe this means I can surpass myself in sleeping, too? Hmmmm now we're talking!
* "eager to get up in the morning" Who are they trying to kid??? Obviously the creator of this little game doesn't know me very well. Eager and morning cannot peacefully coexist in my world. Except at the beach. Or on Christmas morning. And neither of those things will be happening this week. sigh
It's only week 2 on the way to a better me and I'm already questioning the wisdom of making myself accountable in such a public venue as Blogspot. Geez I'm glad I'm not really published yet. But what have you and I got to lose? Let's get crackin - stop being beside yourself and surpass yourself - in every way, every day, this week! and don't forget to send me your stories!
Ready, Set, Go!!!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Ok class, please turn in your homework....
Well, it's time to report in on how well you accomplished Task #1 this week - Consoling Someone. As for me, I would say I failed. Mark a big old F on this week's assignment for me. This card will have to go back in the pile and be picked out another week on my calendar. Not that I didn't try - and in fact, I suppose there's an outside chance that someone somewhere was helped by something I did. But more often this week, I found myself being the consolee - numerous times throughout the week....even ending up sobbing on the shoulder of a co-volunteer at Tides. And a thought struck me this week that in our efforts to console someone else, we may not always be able to measure the outcome of this assignment. We may have impacted a life without knowing it. Or as in my case this week, sometimes our efforts are misconstrued as having deleterious intent - and for that there seems to be no self-consolation. So I would love to hear how you fared - comment here if blogspot will stop being temperamental and allow that, or drop me a line on Facebook or in an email......and stay tuned for the coming week's assignment - to be posted tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
A New Kind of Workout
I have a box of cards containing activities to help one become a better person all around by improving emotional intelligence. They are entitled "Psychological Workout Junior" and were purchased to use with my students as a schoolwide and individual intervention for a host of issues. Since I don't have the anticipated audience with whom to challenge and carry out these "exercises", I've decided to use this blog space instead. So I invite you to join me.....yes, I said join me, because I need these as much as anybody - to "make the next year the year that will change your life!"....or so says the back of the box. Who doesn't need some change in their life?
Here are the rules -
On Monday I will post the activity for the week (I will attempt to be consistent to the best of my ability) which we are to complete during the whole week. I will copy the text from the card to this site.
Drop me a line - post on Facebook, or comment here, about your attempts, successes and failures at the end of the week on the given activity.
Now, if you were holding the box, you would be allowed to return a card to the pile if in a given week you were unable to complete the task. But since I am holding the box, I will just recommend that you retain the assignment along with the new one for the week.
You are probably thinking, why does this woman think that anyone is going to jump into yet another form of workout when we all struggle so much to hit the gym, or the books, or the housecleaning or anything else that endlessly haunts our to do lists? Well, I guess I don't expect a huge following in this. But if nothing else, it will make me accountable to get my own rear in gear and turn the lights out on my pity party, which also sometimes becomes a petty party.
I really do aspire to be something better than what I have been. And I am hoping this will help me in that endeavor as well as become a tool in my work with others. So, are you ready? Get set........
Our first activity is.......drum roll please............
CONSOLE SOMEONE
You know how it feels to be consoled by someone? Have you ever been comforted by your parents, a friend, a brother or a sister? Offer someone who needs it you support and your presence while they're going through a tough time. It's good exercise that will make your heart grow stronger and kinder!
GO!
Can't wait to hear your stories! I can think of many many people who have done just this for me in the past weeks and months. I am hoping to be given opportunities of my own to pay that kindness forward.......
Here are the rules -
On Monday I will post the activity for the week (I will attempt to be consistent to the best of my ability) which we are to complete during the whole week. I will copy the text from the card to this site.
Drop me a line - post on Facebook, or comment here, about your attempts, successes and failures at the end of the week on the given activity.
Now, if you were holding the box, you would be allowed to return a card to the pile if in a given week you were unable to complete the task. But since I am holding the box, I will just recommend that you retain the assignment along with the new one for the week.
You are probably thinking, why does this woman think that anyone is going to jump into yet another form of workout when we all struggle so much to hit the gym, or the books, or the housecleaning or anything else that endlessly haunts our to do lists? Well, I guess I don't expect a huge following in this. But if nothing else, it will make me accountable to get my own rear in gear and turn the lights out on my pity party, which also sometimes becomes a petty party.
I really do aspire to be something better than what I have been. And I am hoping this will help me in that endeavor as well as become a tool in my work with others. So, are you ready? Get set........
Our first activity is.......drum roll please............
CONSOLE SOMEONE
You know how it feels to be consoled by someone? Have you ever been comforted by your parents, a friend, a brother or a sister? Offer someone who needs it you support and your presence while they're going through a tough time. It's good exercise that will make your heart grow stronger and kinder!
GO!
Can't wait to hear your stories! I can think of many many people who have done just this for me in the past weeks and months. I am hoping to be given opportunities of my own to pay that kindness forward.......
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Experiencing Some Turbulence, Please Buckle Your Seatbelts....
The announcement by an airline pilot warning of turbulence is not my favorite thing to hear. In fact, when we do fly through turbulence it scares the living daylights out of me. I mean, when you are speeding through the skies in a huge ellipse, and you hit the pocket that has the whole thing rocking and rolling and feeling like you're on a really bumpy road, except you know there's no road , just exactly what do you grab to make you feel safe? Because the truth is, whatever you are holding onto for dear life is going to go careening out of the sky right along with you....with your cold dead fingers still in their white knuckled grip!
As much as I loved my trip to Estonia this summer, every time the captain turned on the seatbelt light and lightheartedly talked about turbulence, I had a surges of angst.... and not just because the young man from South Africa seated next to me on the first leg home announced that he had been up all night drinking in Tallinn and was likely to hose the area with.....well, you get the idea.
Turbulence. A nice fancy word for an experience of extreme discomfort. And we don't have it just while flying. It comes at us in many forms and along several paths of life.
Like today - the earthquake that shook the entire East coast. I have to admit that when I saw the filing cabinets rocking back and forth, I was more than a little scared. In one fleeting moment I wondered what the heck I should do if it didn't stop....and realized that I have no clue what the crisis procedure is for an earthquake! ugh.
This summer has had other forms of turbulence. Like the group of kids who broke just about every rule on the Harvest of Hope mission trip I was leading. Getting dragged out of bed at 1:45 a.m. to go trekking through the woods to make a bunch of teenagers go back to their cabins and go to bed after an exhausting week of gleaning and trying to get them to comply with the covenants they signed is not my idea of fun. Wow if that wasn't a run on sentence, I don't know what is! But I digress....
And you're right Dorothy, there's no place like home....at least when it comes to the turbulence that can rock the family. No need to go into particulars.....we all have these times, whether in the extended family or the one under our roof....and though they as unique as the family that walks through it, there is no doubt in my mind that it is a painful journey. And sometimes we find we are being hit on all sides at the same time. And it's enough to make me wish I were back in that airplane that I dread.
And don't even get me started about financial and employment crises. When I blogged earlier at the start of the new year that I had no idea what people would be entering and exiting my life this year, I hadn't even entertained the idea that I would lose 46 colleagues in one fell swoop. I can only hope that they are not all gone forever even if we aren't together on a daily basis this school year and in the future.
So just how does one buckle the seatbelt against such things?
I find myself in the mornings now saying "God, I am not even going to get out of bed today until I can feel Your presence." Probably the best seatbelt there is.
And I have had to allow myself to be cared for and accept help from some people with whom I would not otherwise have made or deepened connections. As difficult as that is for me, I am deeply grateful for them and all they have done to sustain me.
Turbulence - have you ever noticed that they don't seem to fly you around it, or under it.....seems you just have to go right through it. And maybe it's just me, but when I'm up above those breathtaking puffy clouds, I do feel a little closer to God....which is, I suppose, the best place to be in the midst of turbulence.
So I guess it's time to buckle the seatbelt, hang on, and dream of a smooth landing. Hoping you can do the same.
As much as I loved my trip to Estonia this summer, every time the captain turned on the seatbelt light and lightheartedly talked about turbulence, I had a surges of angst.... and not just because the young man from South Africa seated next to me on the first leg home announced that he had been up all night drinking in Tallinn and was likely to hose the area with.....well, you get the idea.
Turbulence. A nice fancy word for an experience of extreme discomfort. And we don't have it just while flying. It comes at us in many forms and along several paths of life.
Like today - the earthquake that shook the entire East coast. I have to admit that when I saw the filing cabinets rocking back and forth, I was more than a little scared. In one fleeting moment I wondered what the heck I should do if it didn't stop....and realized that I have no clue what the crisis procedure is for an earthquake! ugh.
This summer has had other forms of turbulence. Like the group of kids who broke just about every rule on the Harvest of Hope mission trip I was leading. Getting dragged out of bed at 1:45 a.m. to go trekking through the woods to make a bunch of teenagers go back to their cabins and go to bed after an exhausting week of gleaning and trying to get them to comply with the covenants they signed is not my idea of fun. Wow if that wasn't a run on sentence, I don't know what is! But I digress....
And you're right Dorothy, there's no place like home....at least when it comes to the turbulence that can rock the family. No need to go into particulars.....we all have these times, whether in the extended family or the one under our roof....and though they as unique as the family that walks through it, there is no doubt in my mind that it is a painful journey. And sometimes we find we are being hit on all sides at the same time. And it's enough to make me wish I were back in that airplane that I dread.
And don't even get me started about financial and employment crises. When I blogged earlier at the start of the new year that I had no idea what people would be entering and exiting my life this year, I hadn't even entertained the idea that I would lose 46 colleagues in one fell swoop. I can only hope that they are not all gone forever even if we aren't together on a daily basis this school year and in the future.
So just how does one buckle the seatbelt against such things?
I find myself in the mornings now saying "God, I am not even going to get out of bed today until I can feel Your presence." Probably the best seatbelt there is.
And I have had to allow myself to be cared for and accept help from some people with whom I would not otherwise have made or deepened connections. As difficult as that is for me, I am deeply grateful for them and all they have done to sustain me.
Turbulence - have you ever noticed that they don't seem to fly you around it, or under it.....seems you just have to go right through it. And maybe it's just me, but when I'm up above those breathtaking puffy clouds, I do feel a little closer to God....which is, I suppose, the best place to be in the midst of turbulence.
So I guess it's time to buckle the seatbelt, hang on, and dream of a smooth landing. Hoping you can do the same.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Silver Slivers
When I was a kid, my mother used to quote the adage "Every cloud has a silver lining".....and I would wonder what the heck she was talking about! Now, several years (don't ask how many) and numerous "clouds" later, I think I might have an idea of what that means.
My previous post talked losing my job for the coming school year. While I still maintain the closing door/opening door perspective (or at least I try to) and a Jeremiah 29:11 outlook, some days the cloud has been pretty darn cloudy. But the slivers of that silver lining have been sparkling!
I found that despite newspaper articles, emails to the "network" of parents, and my farewell letter in the school newsletter, many of the students did not know I would not be returning in the fall. So I found myself trying to explain to these kids why some people didn't think the school needed a counselor next year. More often than not, the kids' responses were "that's stupid" Nice. My thoughts exactly. One student, a 5th grade boy asked "what are you going to do?" When I told him I was going to take some time to think about what I would do, he brightened up and exclaimed "I know what you can do! You can start a private counseling office - then you can help anybody you want - not just kids. You should do that because you're really good at it!"
After our 6th grade awards ceremony, I was scheduled to spend about 40 minutes with the students. We gathered the chairs in a circle and I asked them to share: 1 thing you will miss about elementary school and 1 thing you are looking forward to in the high school. While I heard about missing recess, and friends and classroom parties, one student looked straight at me from across the circle and said "One thing I will miss about elementary school is you." It was quietly stated. In fact, it took me a moment to realize what he had said. Such a simple offering, without fanfare or giggles or pause.....and yet, it blazed into my world. I had not ever had an official one-on-one relationship with this student.
A line-up of 5th grade students formed for hugs goodbye after the class presented me with cards and a song. Each card had a touching message...things like:
you made everything seem easier.....
.you helped us through the hard times.....
you will always be in the heart of Juniata Valley School.....
You have helped us learn about bullying.I will miss all of the fun stuff. But most importantly, I will miss you!
You have had a strong influence on many of us...
I wish you didn't have to leave....
I will miss you so much. You made me happy when I was sad....
You had my back through everything....
There will be a missing part in our hearts....
I'll miss you. I wish you weren't leaving. I wish we didn't have budget cuts....
No one can replace you....
The thing that makes these moments slivers of a silver lining is that if it weren't for the cloud, I would not know these kids feel this way! They tend to not express things like that out of the blue...and particularly it seems, not for the school counselor. (Don't get me started on being passed by on birthday cupcakes! LOL) It is difficult to express how much these sentiments mean.....
When unloading my filing cabinets through the course of this week, I came across thank you notes from years past, from students and parents alike. Not a lot of them, but incredibly meaningful from the parents who wrote them.....because I am well aware that I was not always their favorite staff person. So it is quite comforting to know that at one time, if even for a single moment, something I did was helpful to their family.
Also in those files, I found a long lost and cherished Michael W. Smith Christmas CD!! Christmas wasn't quite complete without it...
I have received some cards and emails from now former co-workers that contained such heartfelt messages I think I used a whole box of Kleenex! And wondered why I had bothered to apply mascara. I had no clue that I had made any difference in their day to day doings. Some of those cards have contained generous offerings of gift cards as well.
On a personal note, this cloud is shooting some slivers of silver in the family arena. For one thing, it will allow me more time and flexibility in visiting and tending to my mom who is in assisted living place a few hours away. And having extra time for those sorts of adventures will allow me a more mentally healthy way to go about that process :) AND......
I am going to be a Grandmother!! What a way to start the holidays this year! And I will have the time to be doting, hopefully helpful and probably a bit of a pain in the butt to my son and his wife. :)
So my office has been completely packed up and shipped out, though some of it is still in my car....somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 boxes of "stuff" made their way to my residence. I guess a lot can accumulate over 13 years! It's all over but the turning in of the computer and the key. I suppose there's some statement could be made here about a fat lady singing.....but I won't go there.....my voice isn't what it used to be! LOL
Just before I left the building yesterday, I contemplated walking through the halls one more time. But there would be nobody there. The building was empty except for one small meeting taking place and one hard working custodian. And I decided against it for the same reason that I find I cannot stay at my father's grave for any length of time: there would be no sense of presence there. My dad's memory lives in my heart........and similarly, to walk through the halls would not give me any further or final connection with the people and memories who have formed my experience at JV. They have now been transferred to my heart.
you will always be in the heart of Juniata Valley School..... one student wrote. I daresay the flip of that is true as well.....
Juniata Valley School and the friends and fond memories there will always be in my heart....
The downside to clouds and their silver linings (I'm almost feeling a little channeling of Joni Mitchell here).....is that it's too bad that we don't often take the time to bring the sparkle to someone else until the cloud has descended. So one thing I DO plan to do better is to let people know what they mean and the difference they have made to me while I am with them....(which I think I mentioned in my New Year's post.....I guess there's no time like the present for self-evaluation)
And because I really stink at goodbyes (or as Michael Scott says, "Goodbyes Stink"), I will only say ....thanks for the silver slivers..... until whenever.....and God bless.
My previous post talked losing my job for the coming school year. While I still maintain the closing door/opening door perspective (or at least I try to) and a Jeremiah 29:11 outlook, some days the cloud has been pretty darn cloudy. But the slivers of that silver lining have been sparkling!
I found that despite newspaper articles, emails to the "network" of parents, and my farewell letter in the school newsletter, many of the students did not know I would not be returning in the fall. So I found myself trying to explain to these kids why some people didn't think the school needed a counselor next year. More often than not, the kids' responses were "that's stupid" Nice. My thoughts exactly. One student, a 5th grade boy asked "what are you going to do?" When I told him I was going to take some time to think about what I would do, he brightened up and exclaimed "I know what you can do! You can start a private counseling office - then you can help anybody you want - not just kids. You should do that because you're really good at it!"
After our 6th grade awards ceremony, I was scheduled to spend about 40 minutes with the students. We gathered the chairs in a circle and I asked them to share: 1 thing you will miss about elementary school and 1 thing you are looking forward to in the high school. While I heard about missing recess, and friends and classroom parties, one student looked straight at me from across the circle and said "One thing I will miss about elementary school is you." It was quietly stated. In fact, it took me a moment to realize what he had said. Such a simple offering, without fanfare or giggles or pause.....and yet, it blazed into my world. I had not ever had an official one-on-one relationship with this student.
A line-up of 5th grade students formed for hugs goodbye after the class presented me with cards and a song. Each card had a touching message...things like:
you made everything seem easier.....
.you helped us through the hard times.....
you will always be in the heart of Juniata Valley School.....
You have helped us learn about bullying.I will miss all of the fun stuff. But most importantly, I will miss you!
You have had a strong influence on many of us...
I wish you didn't have to leave....
I will miss you so much. You made me happy when I was sad....
You had my back through everything....
There will be a missing part in our hearts....
I'll miss you. I wish you weren't leaving. I wish we didn't have budget cuts....
No one can replace you....
The thing that makes these moments slivers of a silver lining is that if it weren't for the cloud, I would not know these kids feel this way! They tend to not express things like that out of the blue...and particularly it seems, not for the school counselor. (Don't get me started on being passed by on birthday cupcakes! LOL) It is difficult to express how much these sentiments mean.....
When unloading my filing cabinets through the course of this week, I came across thank you notes from years past, from students and parents alike. Not a lot of them, but incredibly meaningful from the parents who wrote them.....because I am well aware that I was not always their favorite staff person. So it is quite comforting to know that at one time, if even for a single moment, something I did was helpful to their family.
Also in those files, I found a long lost and cherished Michael W. Smith Christmas CD!! Christmas wasn't quite complete without it...
I have received some cards and emails from now former co-workers that contained such heartfelt messages I think I used a whole box of Kleenex! And wondered why I had bothered to apply mascara. I had no clue that I had made any difference in their day to day doings. Some of those cards have contained generous offerings of gift cards as well.
On a personal note, this cloud is shooting some slivers of silver in the family arena. For one thing, it will allow me more time and flexibility in visiting and tending to my mom who is in assisted living place a few hours away. And having extra time for those sorts of adventures will allow me a more mentally healthy way to go about that process :) AND......
I am going to be a Grandmother!! What a way to start the holidays this year! And I will have the time to be doting, hopefully helpful and probably a bit of a pain in the butt to my son and his wife. :)
So my office has been completely packed up and shipped out, though some of it is still in my car....somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 boxes of "stuff" made their way to my residence. I guess a lot can accumulate over 13 years! It's all over but the turning in of the computer and the key. I suppose there's some statement could be made here about a fat lady singing.....but I won't go there.....my voice isn't what it used to be! LOL
Just before I left the building yesterday, I contemplated walking through the halls one more time. But there would be nobody there. The building was empty except for one small meeting taking place and one hard working custodian. And I decided against it for the same reason that I find I cannot stay at my father's grave for any length of time: there would be no sense of presence there. My dad's memory lives in my heart........and similarly, to walk through the halls would not give me any further or final connection with the people and memories who have formed my experience at JV. They have now been transferred to my heart.
you will always be in the heart of Juniata Valley School..... one student wrote. I daresay the flip of that is true as well.....
Juniata Valley School and the friends and fond memories there will always be in my heart....
The downside to clouds and their silver linings (I'm almost feeling a little channeling of Joni Mitchell here).....is that it's too bad that we don't often take the time to bring the sparkle to someone else until the cloud has descended. So one thing I DO plan to do better is to let people know what they mean and the difference they have made to me while I am with them....(which I think I mentioned in my New Year's post.....I guess there's no time like the present for self-evaluation)
And because I really stink at goodbyes (or as Michael Scott says, "Goodbyes Stink"), I will only say ....thanks for the silver slivers..... until whenever.....and God bless.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tears at Dawn - Eulogy For a Cherished Career
I am a school counselor. I have been for 13 years. I love the profession, I love the children, I love my colleagues. In 2 months, this chapter in my life comes to a close, but not by my own hand. In this time of budget cuts, my district has decided that the Elementary Counseling Program is among them.
I am heartbroken....and yet, through all the talks and speculation of the past several weeks, I carried within me a sense of divine intuition that I would not be returning to school in the fall. Because of that, I have felt assured (as I posted on Facebook) that my life is in the hands of Someone much bigger than my school board. Or any of the district administrators for that matter.
"I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
It was this promise along with the intuition I had been given that carried me through that difficult day of knowing the announcement would be coming, and then through the meeting itself. It helped me to comfort some others who took the news of my being cut rather hard.
The day after I was told of the furlough, I went to school even though I was offered a paid day off. I had a practicum student coming who still needs to acquire hours. I had a student who would be telling me the details of how she commemorated the 1 year anniversary of her dad's death the evening before. I had a reading club competition to attend and cheer for the teams I had helped to coach. I needed to show up for the work I love.
Although I am trying to operate on the premise that when one door closes, another opens, it doesn't mean I am happy about the news. It doesn't mean I have no pain. Quite the contrary. This is a huge loss ......and like all other losses, there is grief work to be done. I became aware of that the second day after receiving the news. It seems to me that when we have experienced a significant loss in our lives, sleep gives us a brief reprieve from the pain - and in those moments as we awaken, there is a window of time between that reprieve and the moment when the black cloud re-descends on our hearts. Friday morning, that window was indeed brief. I awoke with tears almost as soon as I opened my eyes. Grief had arrived.
It is difficult to say which pieces emerged at what times - it seemed I was awash with thoughts and realizations -some quite important - some would seem silly, but each one as painful as the last.
Being a school counselor is not just a job I stumbled upon while on my way to somewhere else. It has been to me, a holy calling. So much so, that I completely abandoned my first career to pursue it. I resigned my position, stepped out in faith, and began graduate school to intentionally become a school counselor. All the while raising two young children on my own.
This has been a career - 13 years is no small potatoes. I wasn't just starting out. I have developed programs, expanded my knowledge of the profession, served on the state level Governing Board, supervised 9 graduate interns and 2 undergraduate students and fallen in love with over a thousand children over those years.
The thought of leaving the children is the fastest tear inducer I am encountering as I walk this road of grief. I ache for the kids who are isolated by their disabilities or "annoying" behaviors - I will no longer have the privilege of looking them in the eye and saying "You know - I think you are a really neat kid." I worry for the ones who tell me things like, "I don't really think my parents like me" or, "my brother beats me up real bad at home"....when I know I am the only one they have trusted with that information. I wish I could still be there to walk with a little one to the cafeteria to buy breakfast because they've told me they haven't had anything to eat since lunch the day before. Or to advocate for the ones who finally will admit that math is a struggle or that they are being bullied, or that their parents are divorcing...Or share in the pain when someone tells me that their parent is going to jail...again....or is on drugs....again.......the list goes on and on. I shall miss the exuberant news of lost teeth and baby brothers and sisters, and the sad exchange of the loss of a pet. Or the hilarious answers to questions at Lunch Bunch - an event so popular some years that a limit had to be set for number of times one could attend. Or the classroom greetings - particularly the "bumps to the rump" and especially when one student consistently greets me with "Hallo - my name is Inigo Montoya......" I love these kids. I cannot count how many times I have thought I would love to take them home with me. I have no word to express how profoundly I will miss them.
One of my passions for 9 of my 13 years has been training and working with peer mediators. I am not naive enough to think that having mediators eliminates bullying or confict. But I would like to think that the 100 or so students who have trained as mediators over the years still have the skills to help themselves or others settle conflicts without resorting to hostility. And I dream that the students whose conflicts they settled at least came away knowing there are tools and resources other than angry words and fists to be pursued.
Our 6th grade Career Fair has broadened the horizons of students who previously could only think about being pro football players, vets, and cosmetologists.
Some of my students actually "got it" that your character really does count, everywhere, all the time.
I have delighted in directing a high school drama club for 9 years and even dabbling with an elementary group - and watched as meek and hardly audible students found within themselves a talent and a passion that allowed them to command the stage. I developed an after school program to promote resiliency in children who might be lacking in protective factors.....and partnered with a local college who provided college aged mentors - whose activities and relationships with "my" kids brought smiles to faces that typically remain closed off. I was bursting with pride on Thursday as one of our reading teams received a second place ribbon. It has given me a feeling of fulfillment to have provided door tags to a local nursing home for 3 years as a service learning project.
I could list a hundred other joys....suffice it to say that being with these students in all of these capacities, has been an honor . And I am deeply saddened that these experiences and the purposes they served are deemed not important enough to continue for these students or the future ones to come along.
It takes me a while to form meaningful friendships. I have finally, in the last few years, felt truly accepted by some of my colleagues. The thought of not being with them is probably the 2nd most painful of the twinges. We have celebrated birthdays, grandchildren, marriages, and 2 hour delays, raised a rucus in restaurants and picnicked together. We have grieved deaths of loved ones and worried about aging parents. We have argued with each other, prayed for each other, supported each other - we are a family. It is my hope we will not lose touch. However, they will move on in the things that brought us together....and I will not be a part of it. I feel a little like Frodo at the end of The Return of the King as he is being taken away by the Elves. His time in Middle Earth must be over because he has been a ring bearer; he has been changed. Since the close of the day on Wednesday, I have been changed. Others around me will still be concerned about room assignments, class size, supplies budgets, home issues, testing, after school activities and all the stuff that keeps the school humming - and I will be walking among them without being part of them any longer on certain levels.
I have already been surprised by daily details that come as a reminder that I have arrived at the end of an era.
I noticed the other morning that I have stopped counting down the days until summer. I do love the job - but it doesn't mean I haven't loved having most of the summer for personal and community pursuits.
I bought books at Barnes and Noble yesterday with the Educator Appreciation Days discount. I won't be able to do that anymore. Seems like such a small thing, doesn't it? The impact was big. It's a change of identity.
I have no place for my vast collection of M & M memorabilia that has been collected for the intrigue of the students who come to see me - most of which has been given as gifts.
I must now change my professional memberships to "affiliate".
I have resigned my position on the Governing Board of the Pennsylvania School Counselors Association.
I will have no reason to be watching the Stormtrackers Snow Report.
And I am keenly aware that I although I feel about 26 years old inside, my body is not that of a spring chicken and I am genuinely concerned about health insurance. Or the lack thereof.
This post is not intended to be a pity party. There are many who will be receiving similar news in the weeks to come in different districts, even different occupations. It is, therefore, a charge to anyone reading to please be sensitive to those close to you who may have been thrust onto a similar path. We all do this work (education) not for the money (God knows) but because we love the kids and we want to make a difference. To feel like the difference we have tried to make is non-essential is devastating. I do have other things I am actually excited to potentially pursue.....but I would much preferred to have had the choice of when that adventure would begin.
I have often found that when I have gone through dark times, I have become a wounded healer for someone else. I trust that this will be no different. I don't believe in pain without purpose. Every time my heart feels like an arrow has just penetrated it, I hope that I can find a way to make it meaningful for someone else.
It is my sincere desire to finish this school year strong - with integrity and grace, doing what I love and what I have, at least for a season, been called to do. And I may stumble in that endeavor, as the pain of my ensuing loss becomes too hard to bear. So to my family, my friends, my colleagues, I humbly ask that you be patient with me as I work through this grieving process. If you are a visitor to this post, I hope you will glean something here that allows you to help sustain someone you know.
One of my favorite scenes from the Indiana Jones movies is when Indy must step off the edge of a cliff onto a sidewalk that does not become visible until he takes that first step. Although I am not physically on a cliff overlooking a bottomless chasm, sometimes it feels like I might as well be. I hope that I am able to take that first step with faith and confidence and embrace the adventure that awaits with abandon......and with full trust in Jeremiah 29:11.
I am heartbroken....and yet, through all the talks and speculation of the past several weeks, I carried within me a sense of divine intuition that I would not be returning to school in the fall. Because of that, I have felt assured (as I posted on Facebook) that my life is in the hands of Someone much bigger than my school board. Or any of the district administrators for that matter.
"I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
It was this promise along with the intuition I had been given that carried me through that difficult day of knowing the announcement would be coming, and then through the meeting itself. It helped me to comfort some others who took the news of my being cut rather hard.
The day after I was told of the furlough, I went to school even though I was offered a paid day off. I had a practicum student coming who still needs to acquire hours. I had a student who would be telling me the details of how she commemorated the 1 year anniversary of her dad's death the evening before. I had a reading club competition to attend and cheer for the teams I had helped to coach. I needed to show up for the work I love.
Although I am trying to operate on the premise that when one door closes, another opens, it doesn't mean I am happy about the news. It doesn't mean I have no pain. Quite the contrary. This is a huge loss ......and like all other losses, there is grief work to be done. I became aware of that the second day after receiving the news. It seems to me that when we have experienced a significant loss in our lives, sleep gives us a brief reprieve from the pain - and in those moments as we awaken, there is a window of time between that reprieve and the moment when the black cloud re-descends on our hearts. Friday morning, that window was indeed brief. I awoke with tears almost as soon as I opened my eyes. Grief had arrived.
It is difficult to say which pieces emerged at what times - it seemed I was awash with thoughts and realizations -some quite important - some would seem silly, but each one as painful as the last.
Being a school counselor is not just a job I stumbled upon while on my way to somewhere else. It has been to me, a holy calling. So much so, that I completely abandoned my first career to pursue it. I resigned my position, stepped out in faith, and began graduate school to intentionally become a school counselor. All the while raising two young children on my own.
This has been a career - 13 years is no small potatoes. I wasn't just starting out. I have developed programs, expanded my knowledge of the profession, served on the state level Governing Board, supervised 9 graduate interns and 2 undergraduate students and fallen in love with over a thousand children over those years.
The thought of leaving the children is the fastest tear inducer I am encountering as I walk this road of grief. I ache for the kids who are isolated by their disabilities or "annoying" behaviors - I will no longer have the privilege of looking them in the eye and saying "You know - I think you are a really neat kid." I worry for the ones who tell me things like, "I don't really think my parents like me" or, "my brother beats me up real bad at home"....when I know I am the only one they have trusted with that information. I wish I could still be there to walk with a little one to the cafeteria to buy breakfast because they've told me they haven't had anything to eat since lunch the day before. Or to advocate for the ones who finally will admit that math is a struggle or that they are being bullied, or that their parents are divorcing...Or share in the pain when someone tells me that their parent is going to jail...again....or is on drugs....again.......the list goes on and on. I shall miss the exuberant news of lost teeth and baby brothers and sisters, and the sad exchange of the loss of a pet. Or the hilarious answers to questions at Lunch Bunch - an event so popular some years that a limit had to be set for number of times one could attend. Or the classroom greetings - particularly the "bumps to the rump" and especially when one student consistently greets me with "Hallo - my name is Inigo Montoya......" I love these kids. I cannot count how many times I have thought I would love to take them home with me. I have no word to express how profoundly I will miss them.
One of my passions for 9 of my 13 years has been training and working with peer mediators. I am not naive enough to think that having mediators eliminates bullying or confict. But I would like to think that the 100 or so students who have trained as mediators over the years still have the skills to help themselves or others settle conflicts without resorting to hostility. And I dream that the students whose conflicts they settled at least came away knowing there are tools and resources other than angry words and fists to be pursued.
Our 6th grade Career Fair has broadened the horizons of students who previously could only think about being pro football players, vets, and cosmetologists.
Some of my students actually "got it" that your character really does count, everywhere, all the time.
I have delighted in directing a high school drama club for 9 years and even dabbling with an elementary group - and watched as meek and hardly audible students found within themselves a talent and a passion that allowed them to command the stage. I developed an after school program to promote resiliency in children who might be lacking in protective factors.....and partnered with a local college who provided college aged mentors - whose activities and relationships with "my" kids brought smiles to faces that typically remain closed off. I was bursting with pride on Thursday as one of our reading teams received a second place ribbon. It has given me a feeling of fulfillment to have provided door tags to a local nursing home for 3 years as a service learning project.
I could list a hundred other joys....suffice it to say that being with these students in all of these capacities, has been an honor . And I am deeply saddened that these experiences and the purposes they served are deemed not important enough to continue for these students or the future ones to come along.
It takes me a while to form meaningful friendships. I have finally, in the last few years, felt truly accepted by some of my colleagues. The thought of not being with them is probably the 2nd most painful of the twinges. We have celebrated birthdays, grandchildren, marriages, and 2 hour delays, raised a rucus in restaurants and picnicked together. We have grieved deaths of loved ones and worried about aging parents. We have argued with each other, prayed for each other, supported each other - we are a family. It is my hope we will not lose touch. However, they will move on in the things that brought us together....and I will not be a part of it. I feel a little like Frodo at the end of The Return of the King as he is being taken away by the Elves. His time in Middle Earth must be over because he has been a ring bearer; he has been changed. Since the close of the day on Wednesday, I have been changed. Others around me will still be concerned about room assignments, class size, supplies budgets, home issues, testing, after school activities and all the stuff that keeps the school humming - and I will be walking among them without being part of them any longer on certain levels.
I have already been surprised by daily details that come as a reminder that I have arrived at the end of an era.
I noticed the other morning that I have stopped counting down the days until summer. I do love the job - but it doesn't mean I haven't loved having most of the summer for personal and community pursuits.
I bought books at Barnes and Noble yesterday with the Educator Appreciation Days discount. I won't be able to do that anymore. Seems like such a small thing, doesn't it? The impact was big. It's a change of identity.
I have no place for my vast collection of M & M memorabilia that has been collected for the intrigue of the students who come to see me - most of which has been given as gifts.
I must now change my professional memberships to "affiliate".
I have resigned my position on the Governing Board of the Pennsylvania School Counselors Association.
I will have no reason to be watching the Stormtrackers Snow Report.
And I am keenly aware that I although I feel about 26 years old inside, my body is not that of a spring chicken and I am genuinely concerned about health insurance. Or the lack thereof.
This post is not intended to be a pity party. There are many who will be receiving similar news in the weeks to come in different districts, even different occupations. It is, therefore, a charge to anyone reading to please be sensitive to those close to you who may have been thrust onto a similar path. We all do this work (education) not for the money (God knows) but because we love the kids and we want to make a difference. To feel like the difference we have tried to make is non-essential is devastating. I do have other things I am actually excited to potentially pursue.....but I would much preferred to have had the choice of when that adventure would begin.
I have often found that when I have gone through dark times, I have become a wounded healer for someone else. I trust that this will be no different. I don't believe in pain without purpose. Every time my heart feels like an arrow has just penetrated it, I hope that I can find a way to make it meaningful for someone else.
It is my sincere desire to finish this school year strong - with integrity and grace, doing what I love and what I have, at least for a season, been called to do. And I may stumble in that endeavor, as the pain of my ensuing loss becomes too hard to bear. So to my family, my friends, my colleagues, I humbly ask that you be patient with me as I work through this grieving process. If you are a visitor to this post, I hope you will glean something here that allows you to help sustain someone you know.
One of my favorite scenes from the Indiana Jones movies is when Indy must step off the edge of a cliff onto a sidewalk that does not become visible until he takes that first step. Although I am not physically on a cliff overlooking a bottomless chasm, sometimes it feels like I might as well be. I hope that I am able to take that first step with faith and confidence and embrace the adventure that awaits with abandon......and with full trust in Jeremiah 29:11.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Here Come Da Judge!
I just got home from 2 days of acting as a judge for preliminary auditions for "Happy Valley's Got Talent".....I use the term "acting" as a judge because in the face of the people who came through the door and sitting at a table with such people as a television producer, voice teachers, dance instructors, instrumentalists and various other truly artsy people, I felt pretty unqualified.
Over the course of 2 days, we saw somewhere in the neighborhood of 70 auditionees. In 3 age categories. And countless genres. Some of them were extremely talented. And some will clearly not appear in the final show on April 2nd. But I was struck as I watched young and old come forth and share what they believed were their best gifts.....and a few words come to mind that describe a commonality they shared.....
Courage ....it certainly took a measure of courage to appear in that dimly lit room and perform for some possibly curmudgeonly looking judges (not me - I was the Paula person - smiling....sometimes strainedly so).....and it occurred to me that there is NO WAY that I could have done that at the age of 12....heck - I can hardly even do it now....(as my recent auditioning experiences have proven). There were some people who even shared that they really only ever perform their talent in the privacy and safety of their own homes. So I applaud them for coming.
Heart.... while it may at first seem this is the same thing as courage, it is not. What I am talking about is that piece of themselves they shared with us....whether spoken or unspoken....there was a tremendous amount of heart in what they all did. Some appeared more confident than others....but at the core of their being there was the belief that each had something worth sharing. And don't we all, really? But how often do we keep it inside us....or diminish its importance? And maybe it's not in the form of a heart stopping Kenny G - type sax performance, or be as exotic as a belly dancing troupe (my belly dances, but not on purpose and people definitely won't be paying to see it move!).....but we each touch another's life when we allow the heart to be open.
Encouragement....I was looking for a better word than this to describe what I have in mind....but honestly, is there any greater thing than encouragement? Each one of these performers was in that room because someone, somewhere, believed in them..... and made them feel worthy of the opportunity to compete. Do you realize what this means? That there are still people out there who still choose to see the best in someone.....who look for the golden nuggets......who hear the dreams of someone they care about and cheer them on to give it a try....
This whole event is a fund raiser to benefit the Tides program - a bereavement support group for kids/teens and the people who care for them. And in thinking about it all, each one of the people who attend the Tides program are also living breathing examples of courage, heart, and encouragement. Being a Tides volunteer, I am far more on the receiving end of these attributes than I am the giving end.
It has been an honor and a privilege to serve as a judge.....as it is an honor and a privilege to work with the Tides program. My life is a little richer because of both of these opportunities.
So I must say, as often as I struggle with certain aspects of living here, I have been made aware that not only is it true that Happy Valley's INDEED Got Talent, (we saw many impressive acts), Happy Valley also has courage, heart, confidence, encouragement, laughter, and promise.
Over the course of 2 days, we saw somewhere in the neighborhood of 70 auditionees. In 3 age categories. And countless genres. Some of them were extremely talented. And some will clearly not appear in the final show on April 2nd. But I was struck as I watched young and old come forth and share what they believed were their best gifts.....and a few words come to mind that describe a commonality they shared.....
Courage ....it certainly took a measure of courage to appear in that dimly lit room and perform for some possibly curmudgeonly looking judges (not me - I was the Paula person - smiling....sometimes strainedly so).....and it occurred to me that there is NO WAY that I could have done that at the age of 12....heck - I can hardly even do it now....(as my recent auditioning experiences have proven). There were some people who even shared that they really only ever perform their talent in the privacy and safety of their own homes. So I applaud them for coming.
Heart.... while it may at first seem this is the same thing as courage, it is not. What I am talking about is that piece of themselves they shared with us....whether spoken or unspoken....there was a tremendous amount of heart in what they all did. Some appeared more confident than others....but at the core of their being there was the belief that each had something worth sharing. And don't we all, really? But how often do we keep it inside us....or diminish its importance? And maybe it's not in the form of a heart stopping Kenny G - type sax performance, or be as exotic as a belly dancing troupe (my belly dances, but not on purpose and people definitely won't be paying to see it move!).....but we each touch another's life when we allow the heart to be open.
Encouragement....I was looking for a better word than this to describe what I have in mind....but honestly, is there any greater thing than encouragement? Each one of these performers was in that room because someone, somewhere, believed in them..... and made them feel worthy of the opportunity to compete. Do you realize what this means? That there are still people out there who still choose to see the best in someone.....who look for the golden nuggets......who hear the dreams of someone they care about and cheer them on to give it a try....
This whole event is a fund raiser to benefit the Tides program - a bereavement support group for kids/teens and the people who care for them. And in thinking about it all, each one of the people who attend the Tides program are also living breathing examples of courage, heart, and encouragement. Being a Tides volunteer, I am far more on the receiving end of these attributes than I am the giving end.
It has been an honor and a privilege to serve as a judge.....as it is an honor and a privilege to work with the Tides program. My life is a little richer because of both of these opportunities.
So I must say, as often as I struggle with certain aspects of living here, I have been made aware that not only is it true that Happy Valley's INDEED Got Talent, (we saw many impressive acts), Happy Valley also has courage, heart, confidence, encouragement, laughter, and promise.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Almonds in a Laundry Basket
I came home from work one day not long ago to find a pile of almonds in the laundry basket. I am pretty sure that for most people, this is not an ordinary thing. You probably don't go looking for a pair of socks and come back with a heart healthy snack! Odd as this may seem to the average person, this type of thing is not an uncommon occurrence in my house. See, my dog has a rather sophisticated palette for snacks - and apparently thoroughly enjoys carrying said snacks to my bed to dine. She much prefers cashews to almonds, though which is the reason, I think, that she dumped these off the bed into the laundry basket. Must have been feeling a bit finicky that day. But this post is neither about my dog nor almonds...or even laundry.
It's about things that shouldn't happen....or do happen but in the wrong time and place....a sort of juxtaposed life. In the counseling world we call these "incongruences." But for a little poetic license I will refer to these situations as the "almonds in a laundry basket."
Almond #1: The exasperating memory lapse in what I wanted to write in this blog post. When I found the almonds in the actual laundry basket, I thought -what a great title for a blog post. Well, as they say, pride goeth before a fall. Because now most of my ideas have eluded me. I am not usually short on opinions or things to say....and now, when I have time (for unfortunate reasons) to put fingers to keys, all the thoughts that had been swimming around in my head have apparently drowned or headed for more appealing waters.
Almond #2: The Steelers losing the Super Bowl. This should not happen. In fact, it's unfathomable to a Pittsburgh native. If they make it to the game, they should win. I still have not wrapped my head around this one - never mind that they were outplayed by a long shot. I can admit that. But I can't face the fact that they didn't win. And I even made buffalo chicken dip! ...which despite the late hour sounds pretty good about now....
Almond #3: My being sick....again. I do not have the time or the patience to be sitting around doing nothing but playing on my computer. For heaven's sake - there are auditions coming up - lots of 'em...and I need to be preparing! Not to mention I have bills to pay....and paperwork to learn how to do. And Lord knows there is just a never ending pile of housework that, believe it or not, I actually WANTED to do this weekend.
Almond #4: The atrocities with which some children are living. For obvious confidential reasons, I cannot go into details. But the past few weeks have brought me more information than I would ever care to know......it's actually nothing short of a miracle that some of these kids even make it to school, much less make it through a day of school with as much success as they do. I wish I had the money to open a great big foster home and bring these little souls home with me. A child should not have to live without love, or concern about their hurts, or a bath or supper. A child should not be able to describe for me the scenes I have listened to recently that play out in front of their eyes. A child should not have to be comparing with other children, the number of incarcerations their parents have had. And the systems that are supposed to help and protect these kids should not be telling me "there is nothing we can do....."
Almond #5: Nudity in movies I happen to be watching with one or both of my sons. Just happened again this evening. And the movie was even terrible! I don't necessarily want to see a full frontal of a woman at ANY time - but certainly not when sitting next to one of my offspring! Geez. By the way, did you ever notice they don't do that with men in the movies? And we wonder why women feel objectified in our culture. Let's hear it for Hollywood. And Hooters for that matter - but don't get me started. I'm not proud to say I love their wings.
Almond #6: Burnout. As I finish this blog post, which was originally begun more than 3 weeks ago (by the way, I'm not sick any longer - knock on wood), I am at a conference that I have previously LOVED attending. This year, if I could have afforded to pay my district back, I would have skipped it. I didn't look forward to coming, I didn't fulfill all my obligations as a member of the Governing Board of this organization, I didn't want to see most of the people I would encounter. To give an idea how bad it was - I didn't even register for any of the drawings, grab any freebies (except the chocolate) or go to the main banquet this evening. Now, to be fair - I have run into some people that I do genuinely enjoy - and I have learned some new things - that I am excited to try to implement. The most helpful things I have learned this weekend are:
I am probably ADD - after all these years of referring to my disorganizational skills as my spiritual gift, it is quite possible that I actually have a diagnosis
Merlot and hot caramel sauce don't mix - whether you say "caramel" like the incorrectly pronounced McDonald's commercial or the right way (carmel) - it just doesn't work.
I learned how to make my way to a fabulous day spa in downtown Lancaster, PA and came upon a wonderful massage therapist :) and how that can be far more therapeutic than one more hotel lunch and meeting/presentation.
Almond #7 (wow I didn't know I had so many) - educators who have poor grammar. I have been called "Conan the Grammarian" by some - and I realize that I make mistakes from time to time (yes, even I....no, me....no, I) but I am constantly amazed (though I don't know why) at the horrendous butchering of the English language by those who are teaching it.
Before this post becomes too much of a rant about inconsequential issues, and because there is a seminar I want to attend early in the morning (or later today more accurately), and have been functioning on far too little sleep as it is, I will put an end to counting my almonds.
But I am the first to admit, I am and always will be, still a little bit nuts.
It's about things that shouldn't happen....or do happen but in the wrong time and place....a sort of juxtaposed life. In the counseling world we call these "incongruences." But for a little poetic license I will refer to these situations as the "almonds in a laundry basket."
Almond #1: The exasperating memory lapse in what I wanted to write in this blog post. When I found the almonds in the actual laundry basket, I thought -what a great title for a blog post. Well, as they say, pride goeth before a fall. Because now most of my ideas have eluded me. I am not usually short on opinions or things to say....and now, when I have time (for unfortunate reasons) to put fingers to keys, all the thoughts that had been swimming around in my head have apparently drowned or headed for more appealing waters.
Almond #2: The Steelers losing the Super Bowl. This should not happen. In fact, it's unfathomable to a Pittsburgh native. If they make it to the game, they should win. I still have not wrapped my head around this one - never mind that they were outplayed by a long shot. I can admit that. But I can't face the fact that they didn't win. And I even made buffalo chicken dip! ...which despite the late hour sounds pretty good about now....
Almond #3: My being sick....again. I do not have the time or the patience to be sitting around doing nothing but playing on my computer. For heaven's sake - there are auditions coming up - lots of 'em...and I need to be preparing! Not to mention I have bills to pay....and paperwork to learn how to do. And Lord knows there is just a never ending pile of housework that, believe it or not, I actually WANTED to do this weekend.
Almond #4: The atrocities with which some children are living. For obvious confidential reasons, I cannot go into details. But the past few weeks have brought me more information than I would ever care to know......it's actually nothing short of a miracle that some of these kids even make it to school, much less make it through a day of school with as much success as they do. I wish I had the money to open a great big foster home and bring these little souls home with me. A child should not have to live without love, or concern about their hurts, or a bath or supper. A child should not be able to describe for me the scenes I have listened to recently that play out in front of their eyes. A child should not have to be comparing with other children, the number of incarcerations their parents have had. And the systems that are supposed to help and protect these kids should not be telling me "there is nothing we can do....."
Almond #5: Nudity in movies I happen to be watching with one or both of my sons. Just happened again this evening. And the movie was even terrible! I don't necessarily want to see a full frontal of a woman at ANY time - but certainly not when sitting next to one of my offspring! Geez. By the way, did you ever notice they don't do that with men in the movies? And we wonder why women feel objectified in our culture. Let's hear it for Hollywood. And Hooters for that matter - but don't get me started. I'm not proud to say I love their wings.
Almond #6: Burnout. As I finish this blog post, which was originally begun more than 3 weeks ago (by the way, I'm not sick any longer - knock on wood), I am at a conference that I have previously LOVED attending. This year, if I could have afforded to pay my district back, I would have skipped it. I didn't look forward to coming, I didn't fulfill all my obligations as a member of the Governing Board of this organization, I didn't want to see most of the people I would encounter. To give an idea how bad it was - I didn't even register for any of the drawings, grab any freebies (except the chocolate) or go to the main banquet this evening. Now, to be fair - I have run into some people that I do genuinely enjoy - and I have learned some new things - that I am excited to try to implement. The most helpful things I have learned this weekend are:
I am probably ADD - after all these years of referring to my disorganizational skills as my spiritual gift, it is quite possible that I actually have a diagnosis
Merlot and hot caramel sauce don't mix - whether you say "caramel" like the incorrectly pronounced McDonald's commercial or the right way (carmel) - it just doesn't work.
I learned how to make my way to a fabulous day spa in downtown Lancaster, PA and came upon a wonderful massage therapist :) and how that can be far more therapeutic than one more hotel lunch and meeting/presentation.
Almond #7 (wow I didn't know I had so many) - educators who have poor grammar. I have been called "Conan the Grammarian" by some - and I realize that I make mistakes from time to time (yes, even I....no, me....no, I) but I am constantly amazed (though I don't know why) at the horrendous butchering of the English language by those who are teaching it.
Before this post becomes too much of a rant about inconsequential issues, and because there is a seminar I want to attend early in the morning (or later today more accurately), and have been functioning on far too little sleep as it is, I will put an end to counting my almonds.
But I am the first to admit, I am and always will be, still a little bit nuts.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
It's 2011 - You Have NO Idea!
Happy 2011... After last evening's post, I promised my friend Sugar (not her real name) that I would post something a bit more inspirational and dare I say...hopeful for New Year's Day. So here goes:
For some oddball reason, I have recently found myself saying "You have no idea" rather frequently in conversations. And as I was trying to drag my post-party bones out of bed this morning, I realized it is the perfect sentiment for a brand new year....a brand new decade.
We really have no idea of what all bumps or blessings the road ahead will bring. But there are some things about which we can be sure....
I have no idea how many or what people I may lose from, or add to my life this year - through whatever circumstance .....
But I do know that I can make sure I take every opportunity to let them know what they mean to me while they are in my life.
I have no idea how well my private practice will do....whether it will flourish, flounder or maintain...
But I do know that the hard work I invested in obtaining the credential will not go away, and I will make every effort to be successful....to expand my knowledge so that I can be more effective for my clients.
I have no idea how well my son will do in his academic pursuits...
But I do know I will be proud of him and will hopefully communicate that to him adequately.
I have no idea if or when I will land a coveted role on stage....
But I do know I have some new friends to "Play" with....and old ones I will try to get back to.
I have no idea whether the travel plans of which I am dreaming will come to fruition....
But I do know that I'm going to try my hardest to make them happen. We accomplish nothing if we don't try. (Although I can pretty much guarantee there won't a bikini worthy bod making the trip!)
I have no idea if I will finally get that call to live my Broadway dream....
Oh wait - yeah - I guess I do know that this one is not too likely...ah well...but perhaps we WILL get Backyard Productions started..:)
There are a few other things about which I DO HAVE AN IDEA:
* that though I may not always sense it, God will walk with me through this new year
* that my family will support me through whatever trials may come my way
* that with a little ingenuity and planning, I can make a few things better than I have in the past.....for example:
- My friend Peggy Sue (also not HER real name) has planned her own birthday party. I was going to do that in 2010 but didn't get it done. She has inspired me that this year I WILL have a birthday party! So, y'all mark your calendars for sometime in late August.
- I have several friends who have a rough road ahead of them this year..(in fact, I learned last night that another one will be losing their significant other relationship in the next few days) and will be needing to start over. I intend to be available with a shoulder of support, meals, tangible help - whatever, wherever I can.
- I am pumped to have been introduced to freecycle- maybe I can pick up and unload a few things I have been meaning to take care of.....FOR FREE! Woo hoo.
So as you make your resolutions or un-resolutions, ask yourself, what do the people in your life need to have an idea about from you....
how much you love them?
how much you appreciate them?
how and why you admire them?
how proud you are of them?
what you need from them?
how you want to be there for them?
If you are reading this blog, thank you - I hope you do have an idea of how much it means to me! Happy, Healthy New Year to all of you!
For some oddball reason, I have recently found myself saying "You have no idea" rather frequently in conversations. And as I was trying to drag my post-party bones out of bed this morning, I realized it is the perfect sentiment for a brand new year....a brand new decade.
We really have no idea of what all bumps or blessings the road ahead will bring. But there are some things about which we can be sure....
I have no idea how many or what people I may lose from, or add to my life this year - through whatever circumstance .....
But I do know that I can make sure I take every opportunity to let them know what they mean to me while they are in my life.
I have no idea how well my private practice will do....whether it will flourish, flounder or maintain...
But I do know that the hard work I invested in obtaining the credential will not go away, and I will make every effort to be successful....to expand my knowledge so that I can be more effective for my clients.
I have no idea how well my son will do in his academic pursuits...
But I do know I will be proud of him and will hopefully communicate that to him adequately.
I have no idea if or when I will land a coveted role on stage....
But I do know I have some new friends to "Play" with....and old ones I will try to get back to.
I have no idea whether the travel plans of which I am dreaming will come to fruition....
But I do know that I'm going to try my hardest to make them happen. We accomplish nothing if we don't try. (Although I can pretty much guarantee there won't a bikini worthy bod making the trip!)
I have no idea if I will finally get that call to live my Broadway dream....
Oh wait - yeah - I guess I do know that this one is not too likely...ah well...but perhaps we WILL get Backyard Productions started..:)
There are a few other things about which I DO HAVE AN IDEA:
* that though I may not always sense it, God will walk with me through this new year
* that my family will support me through whatever trials may come my way
* that with a little ingenuity and planning, I can make a few things better than I have in the past.....for example:
- My friend Peggy Sue (also not HER real name) has planned her own birthday party. I was going to do that in 2010 but didn't get it done. She has inspired me that this year I WILL have a birthday party! So, y'all mark your calendars for sometime in late August.
- I have several friends who have a rough road ahead of them this year..(in fact, I learned last night that another one will be losing their significant other relationship in the next few days) and will be needing to start over. I intend to be available with a shoulder of support, meals, tangible help - whatever, wherever I can.
- I am pumped to have been introduced to freecycle- maybe I can pick up and unload a few things I have been meaning to take care of.....FOR FREE! Woo hoo.
So as you make your resolutions or un-resolutions, ask yourself, what do the people in your life need to have an idea about from you....
how much you love them?
how much you appreciate them?
how and why you admire them?
how proud you are of them?
what you need from them?
how you want to be there for them?
If you are reading this blog, thank you - I hope you do have an idea of how much it means to me! Happy, Healthy New Year to all of you!
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