Lately I have been getting awake in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep for at least an hour. It's been quite aggravating really and it's kind of a chicken and egg thing as to what wakes me up. Or keeps me from getting back to sleep. Whatever the cause and effect of the annoying bouts of insomnia, the end result is terrible difficulty dragging my derrierre out of the sack in the morning.
Sometimes it's the dog needing to go out. Sometimes it's a personal tropical meltdown. Last night, I'm not sure if it was the cause of the awakening or the cause of the point of no return to sleep, but the situation was that my house reeked of burnt cabbage. It's a pretty pungent smell. I'm thinking of recommending it to Yankee Candle for their newest line. No wimpy floral fragrance there. Why, you may be asking, did my house smell like burnt cabbage? Well.....because I .....burned the cabbage. and the rest of what I was cooking for that matter. I used to be a really good cook. My undergraduate degree was housed in the department of Foods and Nutrition. But I was......distracted. (See previous post) I was working on some paperwork and figured that since the meat was still frozen I had some time before I needed to check on the conglomeration I had thrown in together that would soon be called dinner. So yeah - last night part of my reason for not getting back to sleep was the cabbage.
Other nights it's a song that runs endlessly through my head. Even while I am sleeping. I wake up with it running over and over and over again. It's a lovely little song really, sung in Hebrew, that I had the pleasure of performing with The Accidental Chorists last Tuesday night. The show is over but the song keeps playing. And keeps me from sleeping peacefully.
Once I am awake, be it from burnt cabbage smells, the songs that never end, personal summers or the dog, my mind begins to race and jump from one thing to another. Like my latest move in a Words With Friends game......or that song still playing in my head.....or the endless to do list. Or sometimes I worry.
I worry about getting a job. Or my mother's health. Or that someone very dear to me may not return to their faith. Or that I have very little retirement banked. Or the bills. Or alien abduction. Yes, believe it or not, that thought crosses my mind. I have a friend who tells me that one time when he was house/dog sitting during our absence, he believes he was abducted by aliens. Right from my apartment! I live in a different place and have a different dog, but what if it was really me and not him they wanted? Is that why they brought him back? And when will they come for me?
I second guess interactions I've had with people. Was I too engrossed in a pity/petty party? Did I say something offensive? Did I have broccoli in my teeth? There have been so many times with an organization I do some volunteeer work and I walk to my car thinking "Geez - once again I have stuck both feet in my mouth!" Perhaps you are wondering how one can walk to the car with both feet firmly planted in one's mouth? Trust me, it takes talent. How sad is it that the measure of success of an evening is "Oh good - I didn't say anything stupid or tick somebody off tonight" ????
I try to pray. I try to do deep breathing. I try to count backwards slowly from 100 but my mind wanders back to all those other thoughts. I've never been very good with math. I guess this situation is no exception.
Maybe I'll just take up stargazing. Or in the case of tonight, counting snowflakes.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Foggy with a slight chance of sun.....
Frustrated. Despondent. Impressed. Uneasy. Guilty. Loved. Fearful. Happy. Sorrowful. Awestruck. Exasperated. Melancholy. Failure. Thankful. Hopeful. Hopeless. Itchy. Fat. Unmotivated. Distracted. Overwhelmed. Celebratory. Treasured. Ignored. Alone. Content. Confused.
I write this as the wind whips all around the outside of my little house, the TV is on mute as I await the opportunity to spot a former student in the audience of the Tonight Show. I have plugged in the lights that bedeck the Christmas tree still standing in my living room though it sheds a new batch of needles each day. One of the hardest things for me is taking the tree down. I look forward to it going up with such anticipation and become full of wonder when it does, but as the holiday season rushes past, I don't take as much time as I plan to enjoy the tree....or my Original Snow Village, or any of the other decorations that actually made it out of the bins this year. So I am attempting to find that sense of awe a few minutes longer this evening before the inevitable task is done later this week.
My holidays were wonderful this year. I was showered with love and lovely gifts on Christmas, took in 2 beautiful Christmas Eve services - one of which was especially meaningful in that it involved taking my mother to her own church where she was treated like the returning Queen Mother, the other was equally poignant - and full of well executed music on harp and organ with a fantastic choir and an inspiring message. Following that was the annual Christmas Family Fiasco with its usual laughter, great food, just enough drama and an 85th birthday celebration for Mom. New Year's Eve found me out for dinner, strolling through First Night and 2 - count 'em 2! New Year's Eve parties. The ensuing days provided time with my kids and their significant others and my new granddaughter. I really couldn't have asked for anything more.
So why then, is the list of seemingly contradictory feeling listed at the start of this blog only a small measure of what I have experienced in the past month? I've wondered a great deal lately where my brain as gone.
Some of my family and friends have decided that I have ADD. Some think I am depressed. Or it could be that I am not eating right. Or haven't found a church to put down roots. Or I do too much multi-tasking. I've been told to get rid of stress. (yeah right) Whatever the reason, the signs abound: My house is full of unfinished projects and plans. I get all motivated then find myself plopped on the couch watching the one-eyed monster. I have all kinds of intentions in the professional arena as well - spit-polishing the resume, applying for jobs (that don't exist) and continuing to build the practice. I promise myself that THIS IS REALLY GOING TO BE THE DAY that I take a walk, or get on the bike, or work on renewing my Y membership, or get back to Jazzercise. Or post my resume on CareerBuilder. Or refine the play that I wrote for the elementary drama club that I started a few years back . Or brush the dog. Or clean out emails. The list goes on and on. You'd think with all this unemployed time on my hands I would have conquered all this and solved world hunger to boot.
And the number of things on the list is only exceeded by the well meaning folks who give their input on what I need to do. or the catch phrases that are meant to inspire.....you know, the one-liner versions of a Tony Robbins seminar:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Pull yourself up by your boot straps!
Just do it.
Look on the bright side!
Better days ahead.
Count your blessings.
Don't misunderstand - these are all wonderful sentiments. But sometimes they just don't cut the mustard. They are not enough of a butt kicking to get someone out of bed and get something done.
As I contemplated the host of feelings.....and to be sure - some of them are very positive times I've had......the thought occurred to me that I am currently in a state of not feeling like I have a purpose. It is purpose that makes our feet hit the floor in the morning. It is a sense of purpose that keeps us placing those feet one in front of the other through the mundane to be able to dance in the celebratory.
It is purpose that would provide me the ability to leave a Tides meeting and not feel incredibly alone and unimportant.
Having more of a purpose may lessen the sting of someone who claims I am their best friend yet has not picked up the phone to contact me NOR answer any of my texts or voicemails since I was furloughed.
Purpose would make my days seem less a swirling fog of barely a minor accomplishment and more of something about which to feel satisfied.
Purpose might even get my house cleaned up. Or a few pounds knocked off. Or at the very least, the Christmas decorations put away.
Perhaps I should dig out my copy of The Purpose Driven Life. But that brings to mind all the books I've promised myself I will finish before I start another one. And so it goes.
One of these days, hopefully in the near future, the list of feelings that began this post will be a bit brighter. One of these days, the weather report of my life will be a little sunnier. And then maybe I'll post a blog that is more appealing to read and that I'll actually hit the "share" button rather than the inconspicuous posting this one will receive.
I write this as the wind whips all around the outside of my little house, the TV is on mute as I await the opportunity to spot a former student in the audience of the Tonight Show. I have plugged in the lights that bedeck the Christmas tree still standing in my living room though it sheds a new batch of needles each day. One of the hardest things for me is taking the tree down. I look forward to it going up with such anticipation and become full of wonder when it does, but as the holiday season rushes past, I don't take as much time as I plan to enjoy the tree....or my Original Snow Village, or any of the other decorations that actually made it out of the bins this year. So I am attempting to find that sense of awe a few minutes longer this evening before the inevitable task is done later this week.
My holidays were wonderful this year. I was showered with love and lovely gifts on Christmas, took in 2 beautiful Christmas Eve services - one of which was especially meaningful in that it involved taking my mother to her own church where she was treated like the returning Queen Mother, the other was equally poignant - and full of well executed music on harp and organ with a fantastic choir and an inspiring message. Following that was the annual Christmas Family Fiasco with its usual laughter, great food, just enough drama and an 85th birthday celebration for Mom. New Year's Eve found me out for dinner, strolling through First Night and 2 - count 'em 2! New Year's Eve parties. The ensuing days provided time with my kids and their significant others and my new granddaughter. I really couldn't have asked for anything more.
So why then, is the list of seemingly contradictory feeling listed at the start of this blog only a small measure of what I have experienced in the past month? I've wondered a great deal lately where my brain as gone.
Some of my family and friends have decided that I have ADD. Some think I am depressed. Or it could be that I am not eating right. Or haven't found a church to put down roots. Or I do too much multi-tasking. I've been told to get rid of stress. (yeah right) Whatever the reason, the signs abound: My house is full of unfinished projects and plans. I get all motivated then find myself plopped on the couch watching the one-eyed monster. I have all kinds of intentions in the professional arena as well - spit-polishing the resume, applying for jobs (that don't exist) and continuing to build the practice. I promise myself that THIS IS REALLY GOING TO BE THE DAY that I take a walk, or get on the bike, or work on renewing my Y membership, or get back to Jazzercise. Or post my resume on CareerBuilder. Or refine the play that I wrote for the elementary drama club that I started a few years back . Or brush the dog. Or clean out emails. The list goes on and on. You'd think with all this unemployed time on my hands I would have conquered all this and solved world hunger to boot.
And the number of things on the list is only exceeded by the well meaning folks who give their input on what I need to do. or the catch phrases that are meant to inspire.....you know, the one-liner versions of a Tony Robbins seminar:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Pull yourself up by your boot straps!
Just do it.
Look on the bright side!
Better days ahead.
Count your blessings.
Don't misunderstand - these are all wonderful sentiments. But sometimes they just don't cut the mustard. They are not enough of a butt kicking to get someone out of bed and get something done.
As I contemplated the host of feelings.....and to be sure - some of them are very positive times I've had......the thought occurred to me that I am currently in a state of not feeling like I have a purpose. It is purpose that makes our feet hit the floor in the morning. It is a sense of purpose that keeps us placing those feet one in front of the other through the mundane to be able to dance in the celebratory.
It is purpose that would provide me the ability to leave a Tides meeting and not feel incredibly alone and unimportant.
Having more of a purpose may lessen the sting of someone who claims I am their best friend yet has not picked up the phone to contact me NOR answer any of my texts or voicemails since I was furloughed.
Purpose would make my days seem less a swirling fog of barely a minor accomplishment and more of something about which to feel satisfied.
Purpose might even get my house cleaned up. Or a few pounds knocked off. Or at the very least, the Christmas decorations put away.
Perhaps I should dig out my copy of The Purpose Driven Life. But that brings to mind all the books I've promised myself I will finish before I start another one. And so it goes.
One of these days, hopefully in the near future, the list of feelings that began this post will be a bit brighter. One of these days, the weather report of my life will be a little sunnier. And then maybe I'll post a blog that is more appealing to read and that I'll actually hit the "share" button rather than the inconspicuous posting this one will receive.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
"Cleanup on Aisle 2011"
Happy New Year! I am sure I speak for many when I say that I do hope this is a happy new year- happier than last. I have always fancied myself a glass half full person - But at times I have had to admit that my glass just could be a heck of a lot fuller - especially when it comes to diet Coke and chocolate milkshakes!
I must say that the absolute highlight of 2011 in my life was the birth of my granddaughter, Olivia. I just love that little munchkin to death. Can't say enough so I will therefore not continue to gush and risk nauseating any reading audience that may be out there.
But there are other things from 2011 whose residue I am looking forward to cleaning up and sweeping out of my life.......
--The first would be the job loss thing.... although I posted a Jeremiah 29:11 message about my furlough earlier in the year, I will admit I had some times of pretty intense anger bordering on bitterness......like when I was rolling all the spare change in the house to buy some Christmas presents . I know full well that the only person who suffers from such emotions is me. So I intend to get out a big ol' mental wisk broom when they come creeping back and choose to stand on my original belief that everything happens for a reason and that God has it under control. Sometimes a slippery surface - may need a pair of spiritual snowshoes.
- The physical premises......I have had a list of to dos for the last 5 Christmas and summer breaks. Guess how many of them have been done? yep - you got it -hardly any. Were it not for a visit from my sister earlier in the fall, I would have even less done. But I have actually made some progress, packing up some items from the past that bring only reminders of pain......and getting them ready for haul away. I can almost see the desktop on which I am typing this blog post! And I managed to get some of the junk piles in the yard thrown away or burned down - which I'm pretty pumped about. Plus, the sink hole in my back yard is now full! Two benefits for the price of one! Still quite a bit to do inside and out, but as any of us knows, the first step in getting something cleaned up is ....well, taking the first step. So I'm on my way.
-- The diet. Ah yes, the proverbial New Year's diet/lose 9,000 pounds/exercise 8 times a day resolution. Except that's not what this is. I mean clean eating . I've been rather careless with that the last several months and have felt the effects - not just in clothes not fitting but in the amount of fatigue, pain, confusion, heartburn and other less than desireable effects that come with eating junk - and too much of it. Add to that the increase in the severity of the beloved hot flashes - it's enough to make anyone go clean, green, organic and any other adjective you care to use as the antithesis of the classic American diet. I mean- I feel like a human Easy Bake Oven. Ok - TMI, I'm sure - suffice it to say I will be saving on my heating bill this winter. So, in preparation of cleaning up the diet, I must first clean up everything that isn't allowed, right? So I have a half a bag of chips, a couple dozen pizzelles and other assorted Christmas treats, all the fried chicken left from the Family Fiasco, a couple pieces of pizza and some almond M & Ms to take care of yet today.....with only 3 1/2 hours left in the day, I better get busy. I'll probably also throw in a stab at returning to regular exercise( that doesn't involve lifting "mass quantities" to my face) to complement the eating plan. Because after all, it IS New Years and that's what we do!
-- There are numerous other areas that probably need some cleaning out as well.....and if you're like me, it's a daunting task to think about that much change - the finances, the attitude, the mouth, relationships, the car. I will most definitely be working in that direction but you don't need to know the personal particulars of those scenarios, now, do you? Hopefully none of them will land me on any reality shows or interview with Barbara Walters.
As I set about applying the Intellectual/Emotional/Spiritual Soft Scrub to the remnants and memories of 2011, I must emphasize that I am profoundly grateful for those friends and family members who have extended nothing but love, encouragement and support to me in the darker days of the past year. You have been my lifeline. You have given me hope. You have given me back my self.
I must say that the absolute highlight of 2011 in my life was the birth of my granddaughter, Olivia. I just love that little munchkin to death. Can't say enough so I will therefore not continue to gush and risk nauseating any reading audience that may be out there.
But there are other things from 2011 whose residue I am looking forward to cleaning up and sweeping out of my life.......
--The first would be the job loss thing.... although I posted a Jeremiah 29:11 message about my furlough earlier in the year, I will admit I had some times of pretty intense anger bordering on bitterness......like when I was rolling all the spare change in the house to buy some Christmas presents . I know full well that the only person who suffers from such emotions is me. So I intend to get out a big ol' mental wisk broom when they come creeping back and choose to stand on my original belief that everything happens for a reason and that God has it under control. Sometimes a slippery surface - may need a pair of spiritual snowshoes.
- The physical premises......I have had a list of to dos for the last 5 Christmas and summer breaks. Guess how many of them have been done? yep - you got it -hardly any. Were it not for a visit from my sister earlier in the fall, I would have even less done. But I have actually made some progress, packing up some items from the past that bring only reminders of pain......and getting them ready for haul away. I can almost see the desktop on which I am typing this blog post! And I managed to get some of the junk piles in the yard thrown away or burned down - which I'm pretty pumped about. Plus, the sink hole in my back yard is now full! Two benefits for the price of one! Still quite a bit to do inside and out, but as any of us knows, the first step in getting something cleaned up is ....well, taking the first step. So I'm on my way.
-- The diet. Ah yes, the proverbial New Year's diet/lose 9,000 pounds/exercise 8 times a day resolution. Except that's not what this is. I mean clean eating . I've been rather careless with that the last several months and have felt the effects - not just in clothes not fitting but in the amount of fatigue, pain, confusion, heartburn and other less than desireable effects that come with eating junk - and too much of it. Add to that the increase in the severity of the beloved hot flashes - it's enough to make anyone go clean, green, organic and any other adjective you care to use as the antithesis of the classic American diet. I mean- I feel like a human Easy Bake Oven. Ok - TMI, I'm sure - suffice it to say I will be saving on my heating bill this winter. So, in preparation of cleaning up the diet, I must first clean up everything that isn't allowed, right? So I have a half a bag of chips, a couple dozen pizzelles and other assorted Christmas treats, all the fried chicken left from the Family Fiasco, a couple pieces of pizza and some almond M & Ms to take care of yet today.....with only 3 1/2 hours left in the day, I better get busy. I'll probably also throw in a stab at returning to regular exercise( that doesn't involve lifting "mass quantities" to my face) to complement the eating plan. Because after all, it IS New Years and that's what we do!
-- There are numerous other areas that probably need some cleaning out as well.....and if you're like me, it's a daunting task to think about that much change - the finances, the attitude, the mouth, relationships, the car. I will most definitely be working in that direction but you don't need to know the personal particulars of those scenarios, now, do you? Hopefully none of them will land me on any reality shows or interview with Barbara Walters.
As I set about applying the Intellectual/Emotional/Spiritual Soft Scrub to the remnants and memories of 2011, I must emphasize that I am profoundly grateful for those friends and family members who have extended nothing but love, encouragement and support to me in the darker days of the past year. You have been my lifeline. You have given me hope. You have given me back my self.
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