It is December 31st and typically I post something here about the year just past and the new one ahead and all the inspiration I can muster from both.....and having just re-read last New Year's Day's post, it would seem I didn't make much progress on the plans for a new-me-in- the-new-year.
This year has seen its own share of struggles and blessings. I used to blog more, I used to actually journal. But I did very little of either this year and I can't honestly say I know the reason behind that, and as a result my memory of the earlier part of the year is a little foggy.
Undoubtedly the biggest event of 2012 was the passing of my mother. We watched her decline - initially rather gradually with her falling on her face every couple of weeks that we thought that she was just falling asleep in the bathroom or in her wheelchair. Looking back, it could have been that she was blacking out due to the advancing of her congestive heart failure. So I regret the feelings of frustration and sometimes anger that we had when it seemed such a simple solution - stop falling asleep. I could tell things were getting a little worse through the summer and by August, we knew we were entering the homestretch. The last several weeks were extremely difficult not just because we were losing her but because of the horrible care she received in the nursing facility after her final hospital stay. ( I still intend to send letters to anyone and everyone who needs to know about all of that). But because of our concerns, we kept a 24/7 bedside vigil for the last 2 weeks of her life. So her struggle finally ended on November 8th (and what an exruciating struggle it was to watch) and I thought that I would be more ok than what I turned out to be. I had some pretty horrific nightmares about her. I woke up in the middle of the night for weeks with an ache in the middle of my chest and a long-running video in my head of things I should have done differently. When I would head home in the evening, I would want to call her, as was my habit to talk to her while driving. Lately things have been a little better...with the exception of trying to sing for Christmas at a local assisted living facility - I could see her face on every person there......or the other day when I walked into the grocery store where I used to take her for the groceries for her little efficiency assisted living apartment....I managed to take a deep breath and get past the orchids where she used to sit and gaze and exclaim at their beauty....but passing them put me square in the produce section where the cases of Cutie clementines hit me square in the face (metaphorically speaking, of course). The woman did love her fruit! Not too many people traipse through the Giant Eagle with tears streaming down their cheeks - especially not during the holidays - but that was me the other day! So I keep telling myself what we tell people at Tides, "life will never be the same again, but it can be good again" and keep plodding forward.
I made some interesting discoveries over the past few months in light of what was going on in my life as well as the very sobering events in the news of late, and these probably come as no surprise to most.....
* sometimes the people we think are our best friends really are barely friends at all
* sometimes the people who seem to be the most casual of acquaintances - barely within the periphery of our lives, are those with whom we have a much deeper connection......and they will do something like show up at your hotel room with a crock pot full of the most incredible pot roast you have ever tasted
* I've noticed my involvement in social networking has changed - some aspects of that just don't seem as important as they once did
* It is much easier to say no to activities and demands that used to mean so much, when someone we love needs us more......
* we too often lose the opportunity to let people know how much we care about them
2012 had an incredible share of great things too:
Spending seriously quality time with my granddaughter Olivia
A dream vacation to Disney, the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and the beach!
A most rewarding trip to Estonia to witness the wedding of one of our team members to one of
our favorite Estonians......as well as seeing the realization on the faces of teenagers that their
youth group exists in part because of our outreach efforts 10 years ago.......and launching a
new outreach effort in a different location this year......AND climbing to the top of a 500 year
old lighthouse.....and so much more
An ensemble role in "Fiddler" with a cast beyond belief
A few days in Maine with Chris, Alli, Olivia and Tucker - hiking, laughing, playing games, great
food = happiness and peace.
Attending the productions whose technical aspects were in part, Philip's talents at work
Neighbors who took care of my mail while I was with Mom for her final month, friends who
raked the yard during that time as well, people who called and texted to check in on me,
catching up over food and a movie with a dear friend wanting to make sure I'm ok.......
The snow removal fairies who made it possible for me to get to my front door upon return from
Christmas elsewhere
These things have all touched my heart and restored my faith in the goodness of people....
So as I head into 2013, taking a head cold with me, I will continue to try and pursue all the usual goals - healthful living, working on my house and yard, making millions of dollars etc......but I will also take with me the blessings of
* a wonderful love in my life
* appreciation for my true friends
* opportunities to love on my granddaughter and grandmoose puppy
* continuing to build my work life
* my family and their love and support
* a few new recipes
* some new perspectives
and snow boots! I am excited to say that for the first time in many many years, I have boots befitting the recent snowfall and whatever the forecast holds! Sometimes the little things are just as important as the big ones!
Happy New Year
May you have enough.......
money to keep you going
comfort for your sorrows
friends to make your road lighter
joy to keep you thankful
love to make a difference for others.
Monday, December 31, 2012
.......if you need anything.......
10/31/12
It is 2:35 a.m. and I am keeping the night watch in my mother's room in a place she never wanted to be. She is in what we believe to be the last days of her life, although we have thought that for a week and a half now. I came to town 12 days ago for what was to be a weekend stay. My sister came to town the day after I did because the report from the doctor seemed as though she wouldn't last that weekend. And here we are. Waiting. Watching.
And as we have heartbreakingly marched this leg of the journey, some important lessons have come to me. To us. I try to take the perspective in life that no experience is wasted - that God can teach us in the midst of anything. So here is what I have learned or relearned in this process....
* I am not ready to be without my mom. I am ready for her to stop suffering, but I cannot imagine the rest of my life without her.
* Some people say and do stupid things when someone is dying because they just don't know any better. Even staff in a nursing home.
* And because even staff in a nursing home may not "get it", we must advocate for our loved ones and ourselves.
* Good friends....really true friends....will bear the unbearable and come visit someone who is dying to say their goodbyes to the friend they loved so much. And it makes me wonder if I have any really true friends. I can't even get people to meet me for lunch.
* Some people do understand what we're going through here. I am so deeply grateful to my sister's friends who came and sat with us.....and sat in FOR us so we could go make funeral arrangements.....or escape to a decent place for dinner.
* And speaking of dinner, there are oh so many things we would have so appreciated during this time. I have learned that if anyone I know is ever in this situation, I will do whatever is in my power to help provide:
some home-cooked meals - we are SO tired of fast food
some help with finances - We've lost income, not to mention the piling hotel bills and
meals being eaten out and, the cost of gas for numerous trips per month before this point.
A gift card here and there (even from other family who for legitimate reasons cannot make
the same commitment) would do wonders in easing many a burden.
some respite time so that they can have a mental health break
some snacks and drinks - healthy and junk food alike to nibble on
laundry service
an opportunity for distraction - leaving to go to my granddaughter's 1st birthday celebration was unbelievably therapeutic - even though I was battling what has become bronchitis.
* While comments like "prayers", "hugs" and words like "have faith" look really nice on Facebook posts, they ring hollow to the one whose heart is aching. Much more meaningful are the private messages. What would be even better would be a phone call. A visit. But in our world of self-serving social media, we have lost the art of true compassion and communication.
* Piggy-backing on that last one, I have come to realize that my generation has lost the relevance of the greeting card. I have opened countless cards from my mother's church friends, social organization friends, and general friends. To buy a card, write in it, address, stamp and mail it, takes effort. It takes really thinking about someone. And I am sad to admit that there have been many occasions that I could have, should have, taken that time and effort.
* There's a big difference between someone saying "Call if you need anything" and "What do you need?" We are not likely to call and ask anyone for anything I listed above but if someone posed the latter question, I might be likely to give a concrete answer. Or if were told when to expect a dinner meal, or some respite time.
It is 2:35 a.m. and I am keeping the night watch in my mother's room in a place she never wanted to be. She is in what we believe to be the last days of her life, although we have thought that for a week and a half now. I came to town 12 days ago for what was to be a weekend stay. My sister came to town the day after I did because the report from the doctor seemed as though she wouldn't last that weekend. And here we are. Waiting. Watching.
And as we have heartbreakingly marched this leg of the journey, some important lessons have come to me. To us. I try to take the perspective in life that no experience is wasted - that God can teach us in the midst of anything. So here is what I have learned or relearned in this process....
* I am not ready to be without my mom. I am ready for her to stop suffering, but I cannot imagine the rest of my life without her.
* Some people say and do stupid things when someone is dying because they just don't know any better. Even staff in a nursing home.
* And because even staff in a nursing home may not "get it", we must advocate for our loved ones and ourselves.
* Good friends....really true friends....will bear the unbearable and come visit someone who is dying to say their goodbyes to the friend they loved so much. And it makes me wonder if I have any really true friends. I can't even get people to meet me for lunch.
* Some people do understand what we're going through here. I am so deeply grateful to my sister's friends who came and sat with us.....and sat in FOR us so we could go make funeral arrangements.....or escape to a decent place for dinner.
* And speaking of dinner, there are oh so many things we would have so appreciated during this time. I have learned that if anyone I know is ever in this situation, I will do whatever is in my power to help provide:
some home-cooked meals - we are SO tired of fast food
some help with finances - We've lost income, not to mention the piling hotel bills and
meals being eaten out and, the cost of gas for numerous trips per month before this point.
A gift card here and there (even from other family who for legitimate reasons cannot make
the same commitment) would do wonders in easing many a burden.
some respite time so that they can have a mental health break
some snacks and drinks - healthy and junk food alike to nibble on
laundry service
an opportunity for distraction - leaving to go to my granddaughter's 1st birthday celebration was unbelievably therapeutic - even though I was battling what has become bronchitis.
* While comments like "prayers", "hugs" and words like "have faith" look really nice on Facebook posts, they ring hollow to the one whose heart is aching. Much more meaningful are the private messages. What would be even better would be a phone call. A visit. But in our world of self-serving social media, we have lost the art of true compassion and communication.
* Piggy-backing on that last one, I have come to realize that my generation has lost the relevance of the greeting card. I have opened countless cards from my mother's church friends, social organization friends, and general friends. To buy a card, write in it, address, stamp and mail it, takes effort. It takes really thinking about someone. And I am sad to admit that there have been many occasions that I could have, should have, taken that time and effort.
* There's a big difference between someone saying "Call if you need anything" and "What do you need?" We are not likely to call and ask anyone for anything I listed above but if someone posed the latter question, I might be likely to give a concrete answer. Or if were told when to expect a dinner meal, or some respite time.
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