Well, it seems I have developed a tradition of a New Year's Eve/Day post just prior to which, I re-read my New Year post from the previous years. Seems like only a week ago that I wrote last year's post. The years do seem to fly faster.
I haven't posted here much lately -in fact, I forget how to navigate the site! I do miss writing. I wish I had time and ideas to do more of it. I've had several posts rolling around in my head in recent weeks and it's probably a Divine Intervention thing that they didn't make it online. Sort of that angels sitting on my tongue ...or fingers....kind of thing.
I don't do resolutions per se. So, since I haven't completely mapped out my Dreams/Hopes/Goals list for the year, I am choosing to reflect on this current holiday season and my 2 Top 10 Great Things/ Yucky Things About The Holidays Lists.
I have wrestled with which list to write first - because I can't decide whether I am truly a glass half-full or half-empty person. Most likely I am the one to drink the water and thank the two folks arguing for the beverage! :) And, although David Letterman counts his 10 backwards, I am starting at the top!
Anyway, here goes:
Top Ten Things About the Holidays This Year
1. Joe...... He is Mr. Fezziwig personified. If you don't get the reference, then next year, tune into one of the thousands of versions of A Christmas Carol
2. I got to see both of my kids for some part of the Christmas Eve/Christmas Day timespan. Though it would be great to have all of us under one roof of a great big house that is easily accessible to all with enough room for a Christmas tree in each room, I am unspeakably grateful for the time I had with them this year. And our Christmas morning breakfast menu of cinnamon rolls, hash browns, scrambled eggs, sausage, coconut cream pie and Tortino's pizza rolls may never be duplicated but it was perfect.
3. Scrooge, the Musical. Last year, as I sat in the audience, absolutely mesmerized by every aspect of this show, I whispered "I HAVE to be in this show!!" This year I had my chance and I loved every minute of playing Mrs. Fezziwig and Mrs. Pringle, despite my wig almost bouncing off my head in one performance. I was welcomed warmly by the cast and felt great pride in being part of such a quality production. I cannot adequately express my thanks for the opportunity.
4. Giving. This Christmas was the first in many years that I had any financial wherewithal to lend a hand to those less fortunate. It is a huge blessing to bless others and I found myself giddy when I would pop some cash into the red kettles, wrapped shoeboxes that ended up in Rwanda, and delivered some gift cards to local homeless in a motel. I thank God every day that He allowed me this privilege. Every time I heard bells ringing outside a store, though, I kind of wished there was some sort of "I already gave" button (kind of like the sticker you get from the Red Cross when you give blood) so that the people jingling those bells didn't think I was being selfish or rude when I had to forego another donation.
5. Snow! Although it wasn't here for Christmas, the snowstorm that hit on the 13th boosted my already soaring Christmas spirit. I even did Mary Tyler Moore turns in the middle of Allen Street in between Scrooge performances. Honest - there were even witnesses. On the subject of snow, I am grateful for the neighbor who cleared a path through our yard to get to the cars parked there instead of the driveway while the ice prevailed.
6. Online shopping. I've never done a whole lot of this before but wow - was it helpful! It was such a relief to have even 3 or 4 gifts under roof by the time December started. That has NEVER happened before. I'll be doing a lot more of it, I think. People get all nervous about doing that but hey - shopping at Target this year wasn't any safer, was it? ;)
7. Christmas movies and performances. I think I watched 5 different versions of Scrooge, got to see a live production of A Charlie Brown Christmas, and watched White Christmas, The Santa Clause 2 and 3, most of It's a Wonderful Life and Rudolph. Still missing in the repertoire were Elf, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and Family Man, the latter in my opinion, should become a regular among the Christmas movies shown each year. And who's to say I can't watch those in March?!?
8. WOWI 97.1 is still playing Christmas music! I am pumped about this! I hate when all other stations stop dead on Christmas evening and return to regular programming. The only problem is that I have had to listen to some of those songs I simply detest....and have heard blues versions of several songs I never considered to be blues songs. And then there's this song I have heard twice with barely intelligible lyrics....in fact I've at times thought they were in a different language - something about a drunk tank and calling each other trash. Nothing says Christmas like those sorts of phrases! LOL Still in all, I'm glad to be able to tune into some holiday music this far past December 25th.
9. Sleeping in. With 2 of my 3 jobs on hiatus, I've had an opportunity to catch a few extra zzz's on a couple of chilly mornings. Very nice indeed. Now if only I could get that to-do list reduced....
10. People are undoubtedly nicer at this time of year. There are fewer middle fingers thrown (athough there are still some!), people say "excuse me" and "I'm sorry" a bit more.
11. (Hey I'm allowed - it's the positive list, after all!) The Simply Divine Hot Chocolate at Callao Café and Market. I still think they should adopt this title for it along with the tagline "it's a spiritual experience" that a friend and I recently came up with. But even if they stick with the name "amazing hot chocolate" it can't remove the fact that it just made the holidays jollier.
12. Empty Dunkin' Donuts. Seriously - no line out the door! No line at all in fact, and PLENTY of donuts!! Woo hoo!
Now for the flip side. I promise to try not to be too whiney and self-pitying.
Top Ten Things About These Holidays That Were Sad/Annoying/Frustrating:
1. Hands down, the #1 downer this year is that I am missing the gathering with all of my sisters and their families in between the holidays. Affectionately coined The Best Family Fiasco, we have, for more than 20 years, gathered in Pittsburgh....until last year. We didn't do it last year because we had all traveled in for my mom's funeral. And this year....well, I don't know why we didn't plan it. Perhaps because my mother is not here with us to make sure we all get in to see her. But I am missing our craziness, our loudness, our chaos.
2. Christmas Eve service. Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year and I have big expectations for Christmas Eve service. Not only did it not measure up in programming, but we arrived late and we were "those" people who ended up sitting in the doorway that I have always in the past felt sorry for. Nobody in the back of the church sang the hymns and they had even run out of candles so I wasn't able to adaptively enjoy my pyromaniacal tendencies.
3. I never managed to get an Advent wreath and devotional going to maintain proper focus through the season. Didn't get an ordinary wreath made either for that matter - despite my juggling numerous evergreen branches the whole way out of the tree farm. You'd think I was a fir hoarder! And they're all still sitting in my garage. Maybe we could start a tradition of Easter wreaths made from Christmas tree branches. Theologically it kind of fits, after all.
3. Limited shopping time. With all its benefits, participating in Scrooge limited my available shopping time. Next year, if offered the role, I'll plan better.
4. Brace yourself - this one is really significant in the scheme of life! My Christmas manicure keeps chipping and breaking! Oh nooo!! I splurged and got a really cool glittery gel manicure before Christmas and I'm having difficulty keeping it on. Problem with gels is, when they chip, the whole thing comes off.
5. Didn't get cards sent. Again. I just might start them now for next year!
6. Time and space have prevented me from having my Department 56 village up this year. I love my village - I started it as a reward to myself for finishing graduate school 15 years ago and every piece is significant as they have all been gifts. (Or unheard of 75% off deals after Christmas. Meaningful nonetheless!) My most recent piece was a joint gift from my sister and my mom - the last gift my mom ever gave me. So I was hoping to get to put it out this year.
7. Simply not enough baking done. You can't have too many cookies. But you can have too few....and that was the case this year. Not that my waistline has had any problem expanding anyway!
8. The Little Drummer Boy et al. I did a previous post (rant) one year about Christmas music and what should and should not be allowed. I'll spare the details.
Ok I'm stopping. No sense looking for unpleasantries. I have much to be thankful for - and even most of my negative list is fixable or not worth worrying about. I am well aware that there are many struggling financially, relationally, with health issues for whom the holidays just bring magnification of their pain. Maybe it's that realization that has taken a little bit of the magical quality out of how I used to experience these days but fortunately there is still enough to keep them magical enough.
Here's hoping we all have a new year filled with love, laughter, family, friends, and loads of chocolate!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
Note to self....
Dear Sally,
We need to talk. I feel compelled to tell you that it is waaaaay too early in the semester for you to be getting to this level of frustration!
Yes, there are students walking in front of your car at every intersection without looking, and doing so without any sense of urgency, thus causing you to have to miss many opportunities to get on your way. And yes, they do it without so much as a thank you or even an acknowledgement of your presence, mostly due to ear buds and walking and texting. Some of them do see you and lollygag anyway because after all, THEY ARE.....and they own the place.
I really "get it" that your supervisor dropped the ball again this year and is allowing someone else to continue to do your work just a few weeks after he confirmed that the former person REALLY WAS retired - for good this time.
May I take this moment to remind you how much you desperately wanted a few of these folks in your life just a few weeks ago when town was still pleasantly less populated and schools hadn't started back yet? You know.....when the income stream looked a raindrop in the Sahara?
Blasting horrid music and impossibly long lines at the Dunkin' Donuts making you crazy? Hey - aren't you supposed to be going gluten- and sugar-free? Busted!!!
Perhaps the crazy traffic is partly to blame for your elevated pulse and blood pressure.....hey - let 'em have their half of your lane as well as their own! They certainly don't mind, so why should you?
Or the people in the grocery store who scarf up both of the salmon samples the nice man in the chef hat was offering to both you and them.....what can I say, you're only pretending to like salmon anyway.
It seems you need to once again be cognizant of what time you enter a Panera if you don't want to be waiting in line outside..... would it help to remember that the food isn't all that healthy anyway and rather pricey when you think about it? Better to head to Callao Café and Market ( https://www.facebook.com/CallaoCafe) where "everybody knows your name"....or at least the ringmaster does.
So you didn't love the Nittany Lion music blaring in Wegmans today? Well, all I can say is WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, anyway, going to Wegmans at 3:40 on a football Friday? Obviously, you were not. Thinking, that is.
You need to get a grip, Girl. The carefree, go-anywhere-without-a-hassle-days of summer are over. Time to hibernate til Christmas.
So I suggest a few stress-busting tips:
Move your office out of downtown.
Meditate - cue up Dr. Junger for his 5 Minutes to De-Tox Your Mind and bask in his Antonio Banderas-esque tones and be daring - go ahead and "feel your knees.....intensely....from the inside!"
Take a walk. (You DO have the Color Run/Walk coming up and you don't anyone having to carry you - that would just be embarrassing!)
Take a nap.
Take a bubble bath.
Take a nap in a bubble bath.
Have a campfire.
Fix yourself a nice Ribena Seltzer.
Go glean something.
Breathe, for goodness' sake! Those pressure headaches at your temples and stress induced ulcers in your mouth are just the first signs that not only are you headed for being pretty darn unattractive (not to mention cranky), but that you are also on course to spontaneously combust before Thanksgiving! And that would ruin all the fun!
I realize that in your (our) business, disassociation is not usually a good thing - but you may want to give it a bit of a shot!
Sincerely,
Your calmer and more rational self
(who is apparently vacationing somewhere in the French or Mexican Riviera)
Dear C. R. S.,
Please come home soon. I miss you already.
Love,
Sally
We need to talk. I feel compelled to tell you that it is waaaaay too early in the semester for you to be getting to this level of frustration!
Yes, there are students walking in front of your car at every intersection without looking, and doing so without any sense of urgency, thus causing you to have to miss many opportunities to get on your way. And yes, they do it without so much as a thank you or even an acknowledgement of your presence, mostly due to ear buds and walking and texting. Some of them do see you and lollygag anyway because after all, THEY ARE.....and they own the place.
I really "get it" that your supervisor dropped the ball again this year and is allowing someone else to continue to do your work just a few weeks after he confirmed that the former person REALLY WAS retired - for good this time.
May I take this moment to remind you how much you desperately wanted a few of these folks in your life just a few weeks ago when town was still pleasantly less populated and schools hadn't started back yet? You know.....when the income stream looked a raindrop in the Sahara?
Blasting horrid music and impossibly long lines at the Dunkin' Donuts making you crazy? Hey - aren't you supposed to be going gluten- and sugar-free? Busted!!!
Perhaps the crazy traffic is partly to blame for your elevated pulse and blood pressure.....hey - let 'em have their half of your lane as well as their own! They certainly don't mind, so why should you?
Or the people in the grocery store who scarf up both of the salmon samples the nice man in the chef hat was offering to both you and them.....what can I say, you're only pretending to like salmon anyway.
It seems you need to once again be cognizant of what time you enter a Panera if you don't want to be waiting in line outside..... would it help to remember that the food isn't all that healthy anyway and rather pricey when you think about it? Better to head to Callao Café and Market ( https://www.facebook.com/CallaoCafe) where "everybody knows your name"....or at least the ringmaster does.
So you didn't love the Nittany Lion music blaring in Wegmans today? Well, all I can say is WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, anyway, going to Wegmans at 3:40 on a football Friday? Obviously, you were not. Thinking, that is.
You need to get a grip, Girl. The carefree, go-anywhere-without-a-hassle-days of summer are over. Time to hibernate til Christmas.
So I suggest a few stress-busting tips:
Move your office out of downtown.
Meditate - cue up Dr. Junger for his 5 Minutes to De-Tox Your Mind and bask in his Antonio Banderas-esque tones and be daring - go ahead and "feel your knees.....intensely....from the inside!"
Take a walk. (You DO have the Color Run/Walk coming up and you don't anyone having to carry you - that would just be embarrassing!)
Take a nap.
Take a bubble bath.
Take a nap in a bubble bath.
Have a campfire.
Fix yourself a nice Ribena Seltzer.
Go glean something.
Breathe, for goodness' sake! Those pressure headaches at your temples and stress induced ulcers in your mouth are just the first signs that not only are you headed for being pretty darn unattractive (not to mention cranky), but that you are also on course to spontaneously combust before Thanksgiving! And that would ruin all the fun!
I realize that in your (our) business, disassociation is not usually a good thing - but you may want to give it a bit of a shot!
Sincerely,
Your calmer and more rational self
(who is apparently vacationing somewhere in the French or Mexican Riviera)
Dear C. R. S.,
Please come home soon. I miss you already.
Love,
Sally
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Finding Mrs. Write
I really want to be a writer. It's been a desire of mine for quite a long time. From the short stories that my youngest sister read aloud to college boyfriends in a cockney accent, to the Christmas pageant scripts that I expanded or created because so many little darlings simply had to have a speaking part, to poems that express my grief journey, to this blog, sometimes I just get the urge to write. I've had ideas for a play or two.....I did, in fact, write a one-act fractured fairy tale for my elementary drama club to perform the year I attempted to start the program. Unfortunately the play was never produced because the leading lady (girl) and leading man (boy) did so much screaming and insulting one another and the associate director and me, that I really couldn't handle the drama. Ironic, I know......so my writing wings have never fully spread - or some similar metaphor that says that I'm still a frustrated writer wannabe. I am simultaneously inspired and defeated when I enter a library or Barnes & Noble. I feel a compulsion to jump into the fray....at the same time looking at the stacks upon stacks of material others have written and can't help but think, "the market is already flooded. What could I possibly have to say that anyone would find entertaining, useful, interesting, etc? I'd probably end up on the bargain table right out of the chute."
I got a Nook for my birthday and I am incredibly excited about it. I sneak out of bed to secretly scan through all the options for downloading. (although when one does this in their own, grown-up home, and it's nothing illicit or inappropriate, is it really "sneaking"?) I become disappointed when the samples end, because you see, I don't really want to pay for anything in case I don't like it. But then my mind starts racing and the blood pumping about all the things I could potentially write that might show up on somebody's Nook or Kindle. And so I try to squeeze out a thought and I might as well be trying to dig a pearl out of a cow plop. ( I have no idea where that image came from, but I couldn't clear it from my brain so I just typed it). Somebody once told me that I should just write what I know. Hmmmmm interesting concept. So I made a list of possible book titles that would reflect the topics about which I could share some expertise:
1. How to Gain Weight Without Really Trying
2. 101 Uses for M &Ms - The Teacher's Tasty Tool
and piggy-backing on that one.....
3. The Art of Applying Alliteration
4. Church Shopping......Again
5. 1,001 Relationship, Parenting and Career Mistakes....an autobiography
6. Licking the Same Popsicle....our unhealthy relationships with our pets
7. Is it Simple Procrastination or Undiagnosed ADD.....Did Somebody Say Ice Cream?
8. A Survival Guide to Living Wal-Mart-free
9. Missing Estonia
10. Living a Duct Tape Life (this one I have actually, begun to put together as a series of essays)
and its sequel:
11. Lazy Days........and Weeks.......and Months.......and Years.
12. Mr. Wrong - a study in patterns
and its sequel.......When You're Ex-Mother-in-Law Doesn't Know You're Divorced
13. Just Give Me a Truffle! - one woman's exasperation with the contradictory bevvy of Clean
Eating and Detox Programs
14. Pity Parties and Road Rage
15. Fingernails on the Blackboard - the not-so-metaphorical effect of poor grammar
16. Finally Finding Mr. Right (and not letting him escape this time)
17. Successful Professional Skyping (without your client realizing you're wearing your bedtime
boxers and no support garments)
18. The "Beating the GPS Game" - available in stores this Christmas!
19. Constructing the Quintessential DWB letter - a tribute to my dad and his ability to provide a
good old-fashioned A$$-whoopin' in the form of a customer service complaint.
20. Subjecting Your Family & Friends to Linguistic Blunt Force Trauma With Your Harvest of Hope Experiences
21. Is It Just Me Or Is It Hot In Here? - sharing the menopause experience with loved ones and
complete strangers
22. Why Isn't My Business Lucrative? - 35 ways a whiner avoids the top marketing strategies
I'm sure I could go on. But this would certainly give me enough to do should I ever wrench myself away from Facebook, Words With Friends and marathon evenings of either Frasier or The Big Bang Theory on cable. sheesh. If I ever get sucked into sappy Hallmark Channel movies, I'm a goner (No offense, Sue, Betsy and Tara!)
I wonder if being a writer requires an audience.......
I got a Nook for my birthday and I am incredibly excited about it. I sneak out of bed to secretly scan through all the options for downloading. (although when one does this in their own, grown-up home, and it's nothing illicit or inappropriate, is it really "sneaking"?) I become disappointed when the samples end, because you see, I don't really want to pay for anything in case I don't like it. But then my mind starts racing and the blood pumping about all the things I could potentially write that might show up on somebody's Nook or Kindle. And so I try to squeeze out a thought and I might as well be trying to dig a pearl out of a cow plop. ( I have no idea where that image came from, but I couldn't clear it from my brain so I just typed it). Somebody once told me that I should just write what I know. Hmmmmm interesting concept. So I made a list of possible book titles that would reflect the topics about which I could share some expertise:
1. How to Gain Weight Without Really Trying
2. 101 Uses for M &Ms - The Teacher's Tasty Tool
and piggy-backing on that one.....
3. The Art of Applying Alliteration
4. Church Shopping......Again
5. 1,001 Relationship, Parenting and Career Mistakes....an autobiography
6. Licking the Same Popsicle....our unhealthy relationships with our pets
7. Is it Simple Procrastination or Undiagnosed ADD.....Did Somebody Say Ice Cream?
8. A Survival Guide to Living Wal-Mart-free
9. Missing Estonia
10. Living a Duct Tape Life (this one I have actually, begun to put together as a series of essays)
and its sequel:
11. Lazy Days........and Weeks.......and Months.......and Years.
12. Mr. Wrong - a study in patterns
and its sequel.......When You're Ex-Mother-in-Law Doesn't Know You're Divorced
13. Just Give Me a Truffle! - one woman's exasperation with the contradictory bevvy of Clean
Eating and Detox Programs
14. Pity Parties and Road Rage
15. Fingernails on the Blackboard - the not-so-metaphorical effect of poor grammar
16. Finally Finding Mr. Right (and not letting him escape this time)
17. Successful Professional Skyping (without your client realizing you're wearing your bedtime
boxers and no support garments)
18. The "Beating the GPS Game" - available in stores this Christmas!
19. Constructing the Quintessential DWB letter - a tribute to my dad and his ability to provide a
good old-fashioned A$$-whoopin' in the form of a customer service complaint.
20. Subjecting Your Family & Friends to Linguistic Blunt Force Trauma With Your Harvest of Hope Experiences
21. Is It Just Me Or Is It Hot In Here? - sharing the menopause experience with loved ones and
complete strangers
22. Why Isn't My Business Lucrative? - 35 ways a whiner avoids the top marketing strategies
I'm sure I could go on. But this would certainly give me enough to do should I ever wrench myself away from Facebook, Words With Friends and marathon evenings of either Frasier or The Big Bang Theory on cable. sheesh. If I ever get sucked into sappy Hallmark Channel movies, I'm a goner (No offense, Sue, Betsy and Tara!)
I wonder if being a writer requires an audience.......
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Traipsing (or would that be tripping?) Down Memory Lane
The thought occurred to me recently that I have lived in or around this town for all of my adult life, (not counting my years in college in Indiana.) I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel like I've missed out on some great adventure going on somewhere else. Back in '92 when my life hit a crossroads, I chose to stay so that my kids could be close to their dad. Neither of my kids lives at home now and I'm not sure why I am still here. Just recently (like, within the past 3 months) I came to a point of surrender - I decided I could pull up stakes and leave. I could go somewhere and find a church that would feel right.....perhaps find a job that offers stability......live some place that doesn't hit me so nostalgically so often....find more of a sense of purpose......just start all over again and maybe not make so many mistakes in trying to define and find.....me. And then........Joe got a full time job. In State College! And we are thrilled about that.....and thank God every day......but it means I'm staying. So I must continue to navigate my nostalgia.
Doing that is a little tough in this town with its annual rituals and academic calendar. I have to admit, that although I don't enjoy the chaos associated with students coming and going each semester, I do get a little teary.....I think it's because I didn't really have that "take my kid to college/go pick my kid up from college" ritual each year. As much as I wouldn't really want to be that awkward parent in restaurants and traffic in a distant college town, I feel like I missed out on important rites of passage with my sons. Once up and running, they moved themselves in and out of school and for the most part never came home again. So my dreams of hanging out together for some summer or holiday fun really never materialized. Younger offspring starts his senior year of college this year so the reality is hitting me that time has run out on those possibilities.
I suppose with some things, I'm probably experiencing what most people would classify as empty nest syndrome. But if you know me, you know I don't like being lumped in with any stereotype, syndrome, psychological diagnosis or popular fad. So when things like Back-to-Shopping (which I never really enjoyed anyway), the Arts Festival, Memorial Day in Boalsburg, 4th Fest and various and sundry other events roll around, or I visit local venues, I am convinced my sense of loss and just plain weirdness at doing those things alone (or at least, without offspring) is really really unique. Before I paint too golden a halo over my head at my spectacular parenting, you should know that there were many times I threatened to stop at West Point on my way to visit relatives in Connecticut to drop off said sons. And I also began bellowing the strains of "One boy, boy for sale...." from Oliver! out in the yard. Many times. And claimed I was going to become a nun. And sang "where are the simple joys of maidenhood" from Camelot. One year I told Philip I was going to hire someone to take him school shopping because I just couldn't handle it. I'm not a shopper. He is. It made for v..e...r...y long days. But now, when I watch parents with their little and not so little ones, I feel a pang. Lots of pangs, really. Of nostalgia, jealousy, wishing I could go back and do it again...do it better....sometimes I feel a little panicky that I don't remember as much as I thought. Thank goodness for photographs - even if they are stuffed into shoe boxes....because they bring back the memories of giggles, and dancing in the kitchen ...and lines from The Princess Bride....and teachable moments of conversation...and Christmases .....and soccer games and stage accomplishments ....as well as stupid fights, sibling rivalry, homework struggles and all the stuff of life.
Sometimes Memory Lane is a lonely place. We like to believe that as we journey through life, we've made enough of an impression so as to be remembered. I attended church this morning in a place where I once spent 8 years leading worship...not that long ago, actually. I could have named 2/3 of the people sitting in the seats. And as they said good morning, I could tell I was a face in the crowd....they had no remembrance of me. 2 people actually said "It's so good to see you! How have you been?" Out of approximately 300, that's a little disconcerting....but those 2 did indeed mean a lot. This weekend, SCCT presents The Music Man. The last time they did it, I was the lead. So there's a bit of nostalgia going on again. I am not unrealistic - I know I should never expect to get cast in such a role again...and I would never begrudge this cast the accolades they are receiving all over the place....I'm sure the production is stellar!.....but sometimes you wonder....does anyone remember our production? Well that answer came in a message on Facebook to me this morning....someone took the time to write a very personal note sharing that memory. And it just plain feels good. Add to that, someone else has posted some of the old cast pictures and it has been a great time of reminiscing together as comments have been added. I think we all need that. We all need to know that at some place and time we made an impression on someone.
So as shows come and go, and school starts up and parents are running their kids to soccer and rehearsals and everything under the sun, and holiday shopping and watching for school snow days, and friendships are formed around activities of which I am no longer a part, and Facebook is flooded with everyone's kids' accomplishments and activities, I will be attempting to find new adventures near and far....trying to perfect my role as grandma (or Gam Gam or whatever she ends up calling me)...and trying to make a difference in the lives of the hungry and homeless.....and plugging away at my 3 part-time jobs.....and building a new life with a wonderful love.....and maybe I'll find a place to belong that will make my 30+ years of attempting to put down roots in this area not feel like they're attached to a seedling ..and who knows, maybe I'll even get around to getting rid of the baby clothes....or putting all those photos into some semblance of order. But I'm not holding my breath on those last 2. :)
Doing that is a little tough in this town with its annual rituals and academic calendar. I have to admit, that although I don't enjoy the chaos associated with students coming and going each semester, I do get a little teary.....I think it's because I didn't really have that "take my kid to college/go pick my kid up from college" ritual each year. As much as I wouldn't really want to be that awkward parent in restaurants and traffic in a distant college town, I feel like I missed out on important rites of passage with my sons. Once up and running, they moved themselves in and out of school and for the most part never came home again. So my dreams of hanging out together for some summer or holiday fun really never materialized. Younger offspring starts his senior year of college this year so the reality is hitting me that time has run out on those possibilities.
I suppose with some things, I'm probably experiencing what most people would classify as empty nest syndrome. But if you know me, you know I don't like being lumped in with any stereotype, syndrome, psychological diagnosis or popular fad. So when things like Back-to-Shopping (which I never really enjoyed anyway), the Arts Festival, Memorial Day in Boalsburg, 4th Fest and various and sundry other events roll around, or I visit local venues, I am convinced my sense of loss and just plain weirdness at doing those things alone (or at least, without offspring) is really really unique. Before I paint too golden a halo over my head at my spectacular parenting, you should know that there were many times I threatened to stop at West Point on my way to visit relatives in Connecticut to drop off said sons. And I also began bellowing the strains of "One boy, boy for sale...." from Oliver! out in the yard. Many times. And claimed I was going to become a nun. And sang "where are the simple joys of maidenhood" from Camelot. One year I told Philip I was going to hire someone to take him school shopping because I just couldn't handle it. I'm not a shopper. He is. It made for v..e...r...y long days. But now, when I watch parents with their little and not so little ones, I feel a pang. Lots of pangs, really. Of nostalgia, jealousy, wishing I could go back and do it again...do it better....sometimes I feel a little panicky that I don't remember as much as I thought. Thank goodness for photographs - even if they are stuffed into shoe boxes....because they bring back the memories of giggles, and dancing in the kitchen ...and lines from The Princess Bride....and teachable moments of conversation...and Christmases .....and soccer games and stage accomplishments ....as well as stupid fights, sibling rivalry, homework struggles and all the stuff of life.
Sometimes Memory Lane is a lonely place. We like to believe that as we journey through life, we've made enough of an impression so as to be remembered. I attended church this morning in a place where I once spent 8 years leading worship...not that long ago, actually. I could have named 2/3 of the people sitting in the seats. And as they said good morning, I could tell I was a face in the crowd....they had no remembrance of me. 2 people actually said "It's so good to see you! How have you been?" Out of approximately 300, that's a little disconcerting....but those 2 did indeed mean a lot. This weekend, SCCT presents The Music Man. The last time they did it, I was the lead. So there's a bit of nostalgia going on again. I am not unrealistic - I know I should never expect to get cast in such a role again...and I would never begrudge this cast the accolades they are receiving all over the place....I'm sure the production is stellar!.....but sometimes you wonder....does anyone remember our production? Well that answer came in a message on Facebook to me this morning....someone took the time to write a very personal note sharing that memory. And it just plain feels good. Add to that, someone else has posted some of the old cast pictures and it has been a great time of reminiscing together as comments have been added. I think we all need that. We all need to know that at some place and time we made an impression on someone.
So as shows come and go, and school starts up and parents are running their kids to soccer and rehearsals and everything under the sun, and holiday shopping and watching for school snow days, and friendships are formed around activities of which I am no longer a part, and Facebook is flooded with everyone's kids' accomplishments and activities, I will be attempting to find new adventures near and far....trying to perfect my role as grandma (or Gam Gam or whatever she ends up calling me)...and trying to make a difference in the lives of the hungry and homeless.....and plugging away at my 3 part-time jobs.....and building a new life with a wonderful love.....and maybe I'll find a place to belong that will make my 30+ years of attempting to put down roots in this area not feel like they're attached to a seedling ..and who knows, maybe I'll even get around to getting rid of the baby clothes....or putting all those photos into some semblance of order. But I'm not holding my breath on those last 2. :)
Monday, August 12, 2013
Just........WOW! Part 1 (probably)
A few months ago I had planned on writing a post with this title.....but for entirely different reasons than those about which I am about to expound. I'm sure I'll get back to it in a subsequent post but for now, I bring you the ways in which I was wowed on my recent Harvest of Hope mission trip.
Harvest of Hope is the educational branch of the Society of St. Andrew, an organization that exists to help feed America's hungry because of the Biblical mandate to do so. Check them out here when you get a chance: www.endhunger.org. It has been a couple of years since I've had the chance to do this work so when I was contacted to serve as the event coordinator for a week-long event in Montross, Virginia, I was pretty pumped. This was my 15th HOH event and I can say unequivocally, it was the best HOH event I have ever experienced. In fact, as I tearfully (geez I get so mad at myself when I blubber in front of a group of people) gave Saturday morning's message from the beach of the Potomac River, I spoke the truth in telling this crew that it was the first time I wasn't ready to go home at the end of a HOH event.
So why and in what ways was I wowed?
1. This group of high school aged teenagers and their leaders were the most courteous (if you've read my last blog post you'll know I'm a bit OCD about that), hardworking, dedicated, caring and flexible group of kids I've ever worked with. One young man shared that it felt like the group of 53 of us had become a family. And he was right. It was incredibly rewarding to see them reaching out to each other across church group lines. We had groups from North Carolina, Michigan and Virginia present. And no matter what obstacles we faced, changes in schedule, mealtime mishaps and stifling heat, this gang found any and every road over around and through, to accomplish our purposes. They will probably never know the depth of my gratitude for that.
2. I was wowed once again (I feel like I'm starting to sound like Barbra Walters) as I was required to share statistics of hunger, both globally and in the U.S. Right now, in our own backyards and communities, 1 in 5 U.S. households with children is considered food insecure. And to learn that we as a nation, waste 96 billion pounds of food annually. Yet we spend 53.3 billion dollars each year on pet supplies. Some things remain unfathomable to me. Like the 580 billion dollars spent on December holidays in 2012. If I'm not careful, my statistics become a sledge hammer. Because what can we do about it, really? Well, let me tell you.....
3. The aforementioned group of 53 teens and adults managed to harvest and glean 21,000 pounds of corn and 1,000 pounds of potatoes! THAT'S what we can do about it! All of that food had already been distributed all over the state of Virginia to homes needing fresh food by the time we packed our bags and headed for home. Words cannot express the feeling I have when I think about being part of something that to some people, was a monumental moment. How do I know it meant that much to them? Because I've been on the other side. I've been the recipient of food donations. And just as I cannot describe the feeling of purpose I gain from doing this gleaning work, I cannot adequately express the feeling of humiliation, embarrassment and failure that comes when one has to accept charity. (sidebar statistic - 1 out of every 2 children in America right now, at some point in their life, will need supplemental nutrition assistance). Add to that, the myriad of conflicting emotions when you open one of those cans to find rust, mold, and completely unpalatable food. So I simply stood amazed and humbled watching a very large box truck fill up with crate after crate of fresh sweet corn.
4. As I mentioned, this is the 15 HOH in which I have participated. So I've seen lots of groups come and go. And I've seen a wide range in work ethic. These kids and their leaders worked harder than any group I've ever seen. The runners, as they were called, took their duties quite literally and were RUNNING through the tall stalks of corn to get empty crates to the pickers and the full ones to the truck. The full ones ranged in weight from 20 -50 pounds. Unbelievable! Now, my suspicion is that at home, it's quite possible that the moms of these kids can't get them to pick their own socks up (a theory based entirely on what was experienced in my own home with my own children who went on mission trips) but for that week, they were unstoppable.
5. The reasons and ways it came about that we would be at that particular place at that particular time are probably what touch my soul the deepest. These would be the 2 men who started the Northern Neck Food Bank.....and the farmers who plant portions of their fields specifically to have gleaners come to get the food for the needy, and the people who made it possible for us to stay in the beautiful Westmoreland State Park, and the folks at the GTL test site (we got to see the actual crash dummies) that allowed us to cook, serve and hold educational sessions in their facility, and the churches who fed us fantastic lunches.........they all did what they did, because they were so happy we were there to do what we were doing!! Talk about having some meaning in your days! Wow.
6. This stuff is all around us. The need, I mean. I bet you have someone in your own circle of influence who is struggling to buy food.....or pay the utility bills......or get their own kids the necessities of going back to school in a few weeks. One night, still rather high on the memories of the week's experience, I made a phone call to someone in my own life to just check in. Hearing their plight of not having food in their house (with the exception of flour, sugar and some butter), and no income expected for the better part of a week, and not enough gas in the car to get them to their local food pantry, I've got to say my emotional balloon was more than deflated. Because although I had helped to provide thousands of servings to food to folks in Virginia, this was someone I KNEW who was beyond my ability to help......in a different state.....and my own wallet quite thin with this summer's lack of work. And I felt helpless. From WOW to.....wow. It hits so close to home. Mine and yours.
It's been tougher for me to re-enter "real life" this time. And I'm glad about that. I hope I don't lose the pricks of tenderness my heart has been experiencing these past few weeks. I'm not proud of how small and self-focused my world became over the last several months - at least about the unimportant things. I hope I continue on this quest to do more.....to keep seeing the "bigger picture"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9Yasgzjc0w
Harvest of Hope is the educational branch of the Society of St. Andrew, an organization that exists to help feed America's hungry because of the Biblical mandate to do so. Check them out here when you get a chance: www.endhunger.org. It has been a couple of years since I've had the chance to do this work so when I was contacted to serve as the event coordinator for a week-long event in Montross, Virginia, I was pretty pumped. This was my 15th HOH event and I can say unequivocally, it was the best HOH event I have ever experienced. In fact, as I tearfully (geez I get so mad at myself when I blubber in front of a group of people) gave Saturday morning's message from the beach of the Potomac River, I spoke the truth in telling this crew that it was the first time I wasn't ready to go home at the end of a HOH event.
So why and in what ways was I wowed?
1. This group of high school aged teenagers and their leaders were the most courteous (if you've read my last blog post you'll know I'm a bit OCD about that), hardworking, dedicated, caring and flexible group of kids I've ever worked with. One young man shared that it felt like the group of 53 of us had become a family. And he was right. It was incredibly rewarding to see them reaching out to each other across church group lines. We had groups from North Carolina, Michigan and Virginia present. And no matter what obstacles we faced, changes in schedule, mealtime mishaps and stifling heat, this gang found any and every road over around and through, to accomplish our purposes. They will probably never know the depth of my gratitude for that.
2. I was wowed once again (I feel like I'm starting to sound like Barbra Walters) as I was required to share statistics of hunger, both globally and in the U.S. Right now, in our own backyards and communities, 1 in 5 U.S. households with children is considered food insecure. And to learn that we as a nation, waste 96 billion pounds of food annually. Yet we spend 53.3 billion dollars each year on pet supplies. Some things remain unfathomable to me. Like the 580 billion dollars spent on December holidays in 2012. If I'm not careful, my statistics become a sledge hammer. Because what can we do about it, really? Well, let me tell you.....
3. The aforementioned group of 53 teens and adults managed to harvest and glean 21,000 pounds of corn and 1,000 pounds of potatoes! THAT'S what we can do about it! All of that food had already been distributed all over the state of Virginia to homes needing fresh food by the time we packed our bags and headed for home. Words cannot express the feeling I have when I think about being part of something that to some people, was a monumental moment. How do I know it meant that much to them? Because I've been on the other side. I've been the recipient of food donations. And just as I cannot describe the feeling of purpose I gain from doing this gleaning work, I cannot adequately express the feeling of humiliation, embarrassment and failure that comes when one has to accept charity. (sidebar statistic - 1 out of every 2 children in America right now, at some point in their life, will need supplemental nutrition assistance). Add to that, the myriad of conflicting emotions when you open one of those cans to find rust, mold, and completely unpalatable food. So I simply stood amazed and humbled watching a very large box truck fill up with crate after crate of fresh sweet corn.
4. As I mentioned, this is the 15 HOH in which I have participated. So I've seen lots of groups come and go. And I've seen a wide range in work ethic. These kids and their leaders worked harder than any group I've ever seen. The runners, as they were called, took their duties quite literally and were RUNNING through the tall stalks of corn to get empty crates to the pickers and the full ones to the truck. The full ones ranged in weight from 20 -50 pounds. Unbelievable! Now, my suspicion is that at home, it's quite possible that the moms of these kids can't get them to pick their own socks up (a theory based entirely on what was experienced in my own home with my own children who went on mission trips) but for that week, they were unstoppable.
5. The reasons and ways it came about that we would be at that particular place at that particular time are probably what touch my soul the deepest. These would be the 2 men who started the Northern Neck Food Bank.....and the farmers who plant portions of their fields specifically to have gleaners come to get the food for the needy, and the people who made it possible for us to stay in the beautiful Westmoreland State Park, and the folks at the GTL test site (we got to see the actual crash dummies) that allowed us to cook, serve and hold educational sessions in their facility, and the churches who fed us fantastic lunches.........they all did what they did, because they were so happy we were there to do what we were doing!! Talk about having some meaning in your days! Wow.
6. This stuff is all around us. The need, I mean. I bet you have someone in your own circle of influence who is struggling to buy food.....or pay the utility bills......or get their own kids the necessities of going back to school in a few weeks. One night, still rather high on the memories of the week's experience, I made a phone call to someone in my own life to just check in. Hearing their plight of not having food in their house (with the exception of flour, sugar and some butter), and no income expected for the better part of a week, and not enough gas in the car to get them to their local food pantry, I've got to say my emotional balloon was more than deflated. Because although I had helped to provide thousands of servings to food to folks in Virginia, this was someone I KNEW who was beyond my ability to help......in a different state.....and my own wallet quite thin with this summer's lack of work. And I felt helpless. From WOW to.....wow. It hits so close to home. Mine and yours.
It's been tougher for me to re-enter "real life" this time. And I'm glad about that. I hope I don't lose the pricks of tenderness my heart has been experiencing these past few weeks. I'm not proud of how small and self-focused my world became over the last several months - at least about the unimportant things. I hope I continue on this quest to do more.....to keep seeing the "bigger picture"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9Yasgzjc0w
Sunday, June 23, 2013
The Courtesy of a Reply
I am starting a new part-time job tomorrow. It will be my 3rd one as I continue to attempt to tread water financially....especially since the non-public school gig is obviously on vacation, and the private practice ground to a screeching halt with the exit of the university students and the arrival (finally) of warm weather. (People don't feel quite so depressed and anxious once it gets warm and they can get outdoors, thus they either cancel their counseling appointments and don't reschedule, or they just don't show up and don't reschedule - which means that they ignore invoices for their missed appointment fees.) But this blog isn't about clients. It's about basic human courtesy. The courtesy of a reply.
As I said, I start a new part-time job tomorrow - and I don't want to. I feel like the kid who hates school on the night before the first day of school. The work itself will probably be very good for me professionally. I suspect I might learn a lot. Truth is, this particular work is something that on my list of possible jobs ranks a mere 2 steps above going back to flipping burgers at McDonald's - which is something I haven't done since I was 18. I have met and/or heard of many many people who have worked for this particular organization at some point in their careers and have not had ONE SINGLE good report. That does not instill a lot of confidence in me for this adventure. And I'm not really convinced they want me either. Here's how it went:
I was on CareerBuilder and saw the job posting. I had been praying, pleading, panicking about how I was going to keep myself afloat over the summer. So I thought, what the heck, I'll apply. I have applied to this particular employer before and not only did they not respond, they were a little rude when I pursued the status of my application. This time, however, I got an email inviting me in for an interview. What?? Ok - I find it a little strange to have this communication via email rather than a good old phone call, but maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. So I accepted and attended the interview. Which I bombed. Gloriously. I sent the perfunctory thank you note with some follow up questions and got a curt, albeit informative reply. At the interview, I was told I would hear within a week. So, after 2 weeks of not hearing a blasted thing, I emailed (since it seemed to be the preferred way of communicating) asking the status of the position. Nothing. I emailed again, approximately 4 days later, thinking I had given sufficient time for someone who might be out sick a day or two, or trying to catch up on some emails. The response to my second email: zip. So I called and spoke with the woman who was to do the hiring. (Why I was so hotly pursuing this position that I didn't, and don't want, was directly correlated to my dwindling grocery supply and growing pile of looming bills) So she gets on the phone and when I asked about the status of the position, she hemmed and hawed around, saying that she had been really busy moving the office, and she hadn't read through everyone's materials, and hadn't had a chance to make a decision. Now, this was 2-3 weeks PAST the time she said the successful candidate would be notified. I get that things happen. And people and businesses get swamped. But an update would sure have been a courteous thing to do. After she mumbled all her excuses, and I was in the process of saying, "ok, well thank you very much" and moving on to plan B, she said, in the same mumbled monotone voice, "But if you still want the job, we'd be glad to have you." Wow - really??? How do you tell someone that in a MONOTONE voice? But she did and inside my head I thought "Oh crap - I got the job." It's tough to get excited about working for someone that doesn't find it important to answer communication or pretend they're actually happy to be hiring you.
So the course was set - I would begin work on the 24th. Yippee. She told me that a packet would be arriving in the mail via Fed Ex for me to fill out. Ok - whatever. That's a story all its own. After a few days of letting the idea sink into my head (it really still hasn't) I emailed her and asked for some information about my schedule. These people know I have a private practice. (They're not really happy about that). So I asked what hours I should be expecting to work on my first day and what other days that week I should plan on keeping open to be able to report to work. No response. About a week later, I emailed again, asking the same question and pointing out that my (few remaining) private practice clients seem to be scheduling 2 week appointments and since we were approaching a 2 week til start date, I needed to know when she would like me to work so that I didn't schedule clients in the times that would conflict. Response: zip. I emailed a 3rd time, including my updated resume as requested, which was to include this new position. And in that email, I again requested to know my schedule. Response: Nuttin' honey. Am I wrong in thinking this is ridiculous???? Whatever happened to the courtesy of a reply? I even googled her name the other day to see if maybe there was an obituary that would explain her absence. Perhaps she's been on vacation, I reasoned. But in this day and age, who doesn't leave an auto reply message when they're going to be out of the office? So 2 days ago, the final business day before I am to report for work, I realize that I don't even know exactly where the stupid place is!!! Shouldn't a boss be checking in with a new hire - making sure they know when they are working, WHERE they are working, etc? Or is it just me? I called and explained to the receptionist that I am starting work there tomorrow and need to know where to report.
And I'm not the only one who is experiencing this in the world of applying for jobs. I've got other people in my life who leave messages via phone or email and wait weeks for a reply - if one ever arrives at all. I have applied to numerous positions at Penn State as well and I don't even get a "hit the road, we found someone better" notification! It just seems like common courtesy has become a thing of the past.
And it's not just in the job market. I had a friend with whom I tried to maintain ongoing contact once our paths no longer crossed on a daily basis (aka I got furloughed). I would call. And leave voicemail messages. And send texts. And emails. And never got any replies. Then when she would see me, she would be all apologetic and once again proclaim me her best friend and whimper about how much she missed me. Um....really? Coulda fooled me. So I just stopped. Haven't reached out in over a year. And there's been no reaching back. It's kind of sad, really.
This just in - my email has notified me of an email from HER - the new boss!! It's twenty minutes til 10 on Sunday night - the night before I am to start work - and I finally get a response??? I guess that means I have to stop griping now. Or does it...... Guess I'll know after I read it. But the more important question is, do I extend the courtesy of a reply?
As I said, I start a new part-time job tomorrow - and I don't want to. I feel like the kid who hates school on the night before the first day of school. The work itself will probably be very good for me professionally. I suspect I might learn a lot. Truth is, this particular work is something that on my list of possible jobs ranks a mere 2 steps above going back to flipping burgers at McDonald's - which is something I haven't done since I was 18. I have met and/or heard of many many people who have worked for this particular organization at some point in their careers and have not had ONE SINGLE good report. That does not instill a lot of confidence in me for this adventure. And I'm not really convinced they want me either. Here's how it went:
I was on CareerBuilder and saw the job posting. I had been praying, pleading, panicking about how I was going to keep myself afloat over the summer. So I thought, what the heck, I'll apply. I have applied to this particular employer before and not only did they not respond, they were a little rude when I pursued the status of my application. This time, however, I got an email inviting me in for an interview. What?? Ok - I find it a little strange to have this communication via email rather than a good old phone call, but maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. So I accepted and attended the interview. Which I bombed. Gloriously. I sent the perfunctory thank you note with some follow up questions and got a curt, albeit informative reply. At the interview, I was told I would hear within a week. So, after 2 weeks of not hearing a blasted thing, I emailed (since it seemed to be the preferred way of communicating) asking the status of the position. Nothing. I emailed again, approximately 4 days later, thinking I had given sufficient time for someone who might be out sick a day or two, or trying to catch up on some emails. The response to my second email: zip. So I called and spoke with the woman who was to do the hiring. (Why I was so hotly pursuing this position that I didn't, and don't want, was directly correlated to my dwindling grocery supply and growing pile of looming bills) So she gets on the phone and when I asked about the status of the position, she hemmed and hawed around, saying that she had been really busy moving the office, and she hadn't read through everyone's materials, and hadn't had a chance to make a decision. Now, this was 2-3 weeks PAST the time she said the successful candidate would be notified. I get that things happen. And people and businesses get swamped. But an update would sure have been a courteous thing to do. After she mumbled all her excuses, and I was in the process of saying, "ok, well thank you very much" and moving on to plan B, she said, in the same mumbled monotone voice, "But if you still want the job, we'd be glad to have you." Wow - really??? How do you tell someone that in a MONOTONE voice? But she did and inside my head I thought "Oh crap - I got the job." It's tough to get excited about working for someone that doesn't find it important to answer communication or pretend they're actually happy to be hiring you.
So the course was set - I would begin work on the 24th. Yippee. She told me that a packet would be arriving in the mail via Fed Ex for me to fill out. Ok - whatever. That's a story all its own. After a few days of letting the idea sink into my head (it really still hasn't) I emailed her and asked for some information about my schedule. These people know I have a private practice. (They're not really happy about that). So I asked what hours I should be expecting to work on my first day and what other days that week I should plan on keeping open to be able to report to work. No response. About a week later, I emailed again, asking the same question and pointing out that my (few remaining) private practice clients seem to be scheduling 2 week appointments and since we were approaching a 2 week til start date, I needed to know when she would like me to work so that I didn't schedule clients in the times that would conflict. Response: zip. I emailed a 3rd time, including my updated resume as requested, which was to include this new position. And in that email, I again requested to know my schedule. Response: Nuttin' honey. Am I wrong in thinking this is ridiculous???? Whatever happened to the courtesy of a reply? I even googled her name the other day to see if maybe there was an obituary that would explain her absence. Perhaps she's been on vacation, I reasoned. But in this day and age, who doesn't leave an auto reply message when they're going to be out of the office? So 2 days ago, the final business day before I am to report for work, I realize that I don't even know exactly where the stupid place is!!! Shouldn't a boss be checking in with a new hire - making sure they know when they are working, WHERE they are working, etc? Or is it just me? I called and explained to the receptionist that I am starting work there tomorrow and need to know where to report.
And I'm not the only one who is experiencing this in the world of applying for jobs. I've got other people in my life who leave messages via phone or email and wait weeks for a reply - if one ever arrives at all. I have applied to numerous positions at Penn State as well and I don't even get a "hit the road, we found someone better" notification! It just seems like common courtesy has become a thing of the past.
And it's not just in the job market. I had a friend with whom I tried to maintain ongoing contact once our paths no longer crossed on a daily basis (aka I got furloughed). I would call. And leave voicemail messages. And send texts. And emails. And never got any replies. Then when she would see me, she would be all apologetic and once again proclaim me her best friend and whimper about how much she missed me. Um....really? Coulda fooled me. So I just stopped. Haven't reached out in over a year. And there's been no reaching back. It's kind of sad, really.
This just in - my email has notified me of an email from HER - the new boss!! It's twenty minutes til 10 on Sunday night - the night before I am to start work - and I finally get a response??? I guess that means I have to stop griping now. Or does it...... Guess I'll know after I read it. But the more important question is, do I extend the courtesy of a reply?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
The Glue in My Universe
It happens when you least expect it. Today it was in the produce section of the grocery store when I was about to buy some "on the vine" tomatoes. They were .40/pound cheaper than the beefsteak. But as I reached to put some in the bag, my arm froze, the tears rolled and I bought the more expensive ones. I just couldn't do it. My mom loved tomatoes - she would eat one a day, raw, like an apple. And she would take a very long time to examine each and every tomato on the vine before she would allow me to put them in the bag we would take back to her assisted living place. I'd give my right arm to have those impatient moments back or an exhausting weekend of "Mom duty" (which I eventually changed to "The Tour de Mom.")
The other night the moment came when I was leaving the Autoport - after a great night at Tides and some social time and fabulous music with fellow Tides facilitators. As I got in my car, the thought crossed my mind, "I think I'll give Mom a call" as I so often did when I was traveling home from whatever my adventures in the evening. The car didn't need windshield wipers that night but my eyeballs surely did.
I was in a play in March - a fun little thing with lots of "girlfriend" humor. It was one night before one of the performances that I realized that this was the first show I was in that Mom didn't know about. That I had never gotten to discuss with her. I had been in other shows that she was not able to attend due to distance, schedule, or illness. But I usually showed her videos, pictures or talked a lot about what was going on onstage and off. She would have loved this show. And the one just a few weekends later. She would have enjoyed the stories of some of the antics. But I couldn't share any of it with her and that realization left a bit of an empty hole.
There was an afternoon recently, somewhere between winter and spring, that I was feeling like the world was a really heavy and dark place. Something was inexplicably out of kilter. I entered my dining area, plopped down my keys and "stuff" and sat looking out the Dutch doors at the leafless trees and squirrels running busily through them. I recalled how my mom loved watching the squirrels and birds in my back yard. And the thought suddenly occurred to me that the world felt so out of sync because the glue in my universe was missing. When the world seemed depressing and scary, Mom would try to find something positive to focus on (oh it didn't always work and sometimes angered me that she wouldn't take life more seriously or take more interest in what was going on in the world). I could always count on her to be interested in what was going on with me and my kids, whether it was work, recreation, grades, finances - anything. Sometimes her attention to beautiful skies, flower gardens or babies or one of her wisecracks was just what I needed to divert my attention away from struggles and sorrows and find a little joy. She was there, in the wings, unbeknownst to me, holding my universe together.
As Mother's Day approaches, I am very melancholy. I believe I spent 6 out of the last 7 Mother's Days in Pittsburgh with her. In fact, there was very little nod to my own motherhood because my focus was on making her day the celebration. Last year, I spent the day in the emergency room with her because it was one of many falls onto her face that she took last spring. We had planned to go out to a wonderful buffet - she was excited to wear her new outfit. (she never got to wear it). But we ended the day bringing some dinner in and setting up a little room in the facility to try to make it special. My heart was breaking that day. Even as I tried to put a positive spin on the day I instinctively knew it was our last Mother's Day with her and I longed to make it so much better than we were able.
I have wonderful people in my life: Joe, my kids, my dog (yes, she IS a people) and some good friends. And I am deeply grateful for all of them and the love they bring. But I am finding that my Mom had a very significant way of holding me together that I never realized and probably never fully showed my appreciation for.
I hope I provide at least some of that to my children and their families. I hope they know I always believe in them and love them unconditionally and am always interested in what is going on with them. I hope I can be even half the glue that my Mom was to me.
And if you still have your mom with you, I hope you will take the opportunity every chance you get to let her know what she means to you, your family, your universe.
The other night the moment came when I was leaving the Autoport - after a great night at Tides and some social time and fabulous music with fellow Tides facilitators. As I got in my car, the thought crossed my mind, "I think I'll give Mom a call" as I so often did when I was traveling home from whatever my adventures in the evening. The car didn't need windshield wipers that night but my eyeballs surely did.
I was in a play in March - a fun little thing with lots of "girlfriend" humor. It was one night before one of the performances that I realized that this was the first show I was in that Mom didn't know about. That I had never gotten to discuss with her. I had been in other shows that she was not able to attend due to distance, schedule, or illness. But I usually showed her videos, pictures or talked a lot about what was going on onstage and off. She would have loved this show. And the one just a few weekends later. She would have enjoyed the stories of some of the antics. But I couldn't share any of it with her and that realization left a bit of an empty hole.
There was an afternoon recently, somewhere between winter and spring, that I was feeling like the world was a really heavy and dark place. Something was inexplicably out of kilter. I entered my dining area, plopped down my keys and "stuff" and sat looking out the Dutch doors at the leafless trees and squirrels running busily through them. I recalled how my mom loved watching the squirrels and birds in my back yard. And the thought suddenly occurred to me that the world felt so out of sync because the glue in my universe was missing. When the world seemed depressing and scary, Mom would try to find something positive to focus on (oh it didn't always work and sometimes angered me that she wouldn't take life more seriously or take more interest in what was going on in the world). I could always count on her to be interested in what was going on with me and my kids, whether it was work, recreation, grades, finances - anything. Sometimes her attention to beautiful skies, flower gardens or babies or one of her wisecracks was just what I needed to divert my attention away from struggles and sorrows and find a little joy. She was there, in the wings, unbeknownst to me, holding my universe together.
As Mother's Day approaches, I am very melancholy. I believe I spent 6 out of the last 7 Mother's Days in Pittsburgh with her. In fact, there was very little nod to my own motherhood because my focus was on making her day the celebration. Last year, I spent the day in the emergency room with her because it was one of many falls onto her face that she took last spring. We had planned to go out to a wonderful buffet - she was excited to wear her new outfit. (she never got to wear it). But we ended the day bringing some dinner in and setting up a little room in the facility to try to make it special. My heart was breaking that day. Even as I tried to put a positive spin on the day I instinctively knew it was our last Mother's Day with her and I longed to make it so much better than we were able.
I have wonderful people in my life: Joe, my kids, my dog (yes, she IS a people) and some good friends. And I am deeply grateful for all of them and the love they bring. But I am finding that my Mom had a very significant way of holding me together that I never realized and probably never fully showed my appreciation for.
I hope I provide at least some of that to my children and their families. I hope they know I always believe in them and love them unconditionally and am always interested in what is going on with them. I hope I can be even half the glue that my Mom was to me.
And if you still have your mom with you, I hope you will take the opportunity every chance you get to let her know what she means to you, your family, your universe.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)