The thought occurred to me recently that I have lived in or around this town for all of my adult life, (not counting my years in college in Indiana.) I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel like I've missed out on some great adventure going on somewhere else. Back in '92 when my life hit a crossroads, I chose to stay so that my kids could be close to their dad. Neither of my kids lives at home now and I'm not sure why I am still here. Just recently (like, within the past 3 months) I came to a point of surrender - I decided I could pull up stakes and leave. I could go somewhere and find a church that would feel right.....perhaps find a job that offers stability......live some place that doesn't hit me so nostalgically so often....find more of a sense of purpose......just start all over again and maybe not make so many mistakes in trying to define and find.....me. And then........Joe got a full time job. In State College! And we are thrilled about that.....and thank God every day......but it means I'm staying. So I must continue to navigate my nostalgia.
Doing that is a little tough in this town with its annual rituals and academic calendar. I have to admit, that although I don't enjoy the chaos associated with students coming and going each semester, I do get a little teary.....I think it's because I didn't really have that "take my kid to college/go pick my kid up from college" ritual each year. As much as I wouldn't really want to be that awkward parent in restaurants and traffic in a distant college town, I feel like I missed out on important rites of passage with my sons. Once up and running, they moved themselves in and out of school and for the most part never came home again. So my dreams of hanging out together for some summer or holiday fun really never materialized. Younger offspring starts his senior year of college this year so the reality is hitting me that time has run out on those possibilities.
I suppose with some things, I'm probably experiencing what most people would classify as empty nest syndrome. But if you know me, you know I don't like being lumped in with any stereotype, syndrome, psychological diagnosis or popular fad. So when things like Back-to-Shopping (which I never really enjoyed anyway), the Arts Festival, Memorial Day in Boalsburg, 4th Fest and various and sundry other events roll around, or I visit local venues, I am convinced my sense of loss and just plain weirdness at doing those things alone (or at least, without offspring) is really really unique. Before I paint too golden a halo over my head at my spectacular parenting, you should know that there were many times I threatened to stop at West Point on my way to visit relatives in Connecticut to drop off said sons. And I also began bellowing the strains of "One boy, boy for sale...." from Oliver! out in the yard. Many times. And claimed I was going to become a nun. And sang "where are the simple joys of maidenhood" from Camelot. One year I told Philip I was going to hire someone to take him school shopping because I just couldn't handle it. I'm not a shopper. He is. It made for v..e...r...y long days. But now, when I watch parents with their little and not so little ones, I feel a pang. Lots of pangs, really. Of nostalgia, jealousy, wishing I could go back and do it again...do it better....sometimes I feel a little panicky that I don't remember as much as I thought. Thank goodness for photographs - even if they are stuffed into shoe boxes....because they bring back the memories of giggles, and dancing in the kitchen ...and lines from The Princess Bride....and teachable moments of conversation...and Christmases .....and soccer games and stage accomplishments ....as well as stupid fights, sibling rivalry, homework struggles and all the stuff of life.
Sometimes Memory Lane is a lonely place. We like to believe that as we journey through life, we've made enough of an impression so as to be remembered. I attended church this morning in a place where I once spent 8 years leading worship...not that long ago, actually. I could have named 2/3 of the people sitting in the seats. And as they said good morning, I could tell I was a face in the crowd....they had no remembrance of me. 2 people actually said "It's so good to see you! How have you been?" Out of approximately 300, that's a little disconcerting....but those 2 did indeed mean a lot. This weekend, SCCT presents The Music Man. The last time they did it, I was the lead. So there's a bit of nostalgia going on again. I am not unrealistic - I know I should never expect to get cast in such a role again...and I would never begrudge this cast the accolades they are receiving all over the place....I'm sure the production is stellar!.....but sometimes you wonder....does anyone remember our production? Well that answer came in a message on Facebook to me this morning....someone took the time to write a very personal note sharing that memory. And it just plain feels good. Add to that, someone else has posted some of the old cast pictures and it has been a great time of reminiscing together as comments have been added. I think we all need that. We all need to know that at some place and time we made an impression on someone.
So as shows come and go, and school starts up and parents are running their kids to soccer and rehearsals and everything under the sun, and holiday shopping and watching for school snow days, and friendships are formed around activities of which I am no longer a part, and Facebook is flooded with everyone's kids' accomplishments and activities, I will be attempting to find new adventures near and far....trying to perfect my role as grandma (or Gam Gam or whatever she ends up calling me)...and trying to make a difference in the lives of the hungry and homeless.....and plugging away at my 3 part-time jobs.....and building a new life with a wonderful love.....and maybe I'll find a place to belong that will make my 30+ years of attempting to put down roots in this area not feel like they're attached to a seedling ..and who knows, maybe I'll even get around to getting rid of the baby clothes....or putting all those photos into some semblance of order. But I'm not holding my breath on those last 2. :)
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