Sigh. I have always loved roller coasters. At least the kind in amusement parks....and the ones that don't cause me to see my life flashing before me.
Real life roller coasters, however, are not all that much fun. I mean, the quick descent after the thrill of the high point is just not something most of us would like to buy a ticket for. These dips come in many forms - illness, loss, financial struggle, loneliness, the state of the nation, the condition of the world. And I think that social media has significantly magnified this discrepancy between where we wish we were (or pretend to be) and where we actually find ourselves. Sometimes all it takes is seeing the happy posts of someone and we quickly measure our own lives and feel it comes up short. Or peek into the polarizing vitriol and we are awash in a flood of hopelessness.
Or maybe it's just me. I once had a boss who told me I internalize everything, and that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I had no clue what he meant at the time, but now I can see he was right. And I wish it weren't so. I also once had a friend who told me he truly didn't care if people didn't care about him....and oh how I wished I could be like that! I think I've always tried to be a good friend to others and I sincerely cannot understand why I don't experience reciprocity in that. I have honestly tried to evaluate that and alter my behavior, my way of being, my choice of words. Maybe it's a little extreme....or even a little shallow, but my basic definition of a friend is someone I can call in the middle of the night if I find myself in the midst of a crisis. And I honestly don't have a name to fill in that blank. And I really don't feel like I have had that for years. So sometimes I start lighting candles on my pity party cake.
I am simultaneously amazed and ashamed at how quickly I am impacted when I learn that people who I thought were good friends of mine get together for a lovely day or evening out......and I don't get invited. Like, ever. Years ago I had some friends who would all pile into a decorated VW van to go out and celebrate the birthday of someone in the group. Though I would hear all about the antics of the birthday bus, I was never once invited nor celebrated. I feel like an 8 year old crying about being left out of the kickball game on the playground. And I feel really embarrassed about that. But I can almost hear a parody of that lovely song from Wicked...."unPopular.....I'm really unPopular!"
In my work, I often use a metaphor I read in Regina Brett's book, God Never Blinks.....she talks about the two train tracks in everyone's life.....the train with negative thoughts and the struggle with bad experiences and the one with positive thoughts and thankfulness for the good experiences. We all have both trains running through our lives all the time.....and we must choose which train we are riding at any given moment.
Well, today, I was enjoying a day I have longed for ......my granddaughter was coming to my house to spend the night - we were playing at Chic Fil A and besides the bratty little boy in the play area who scared the bejeezus out of her (I believe on purpose - he's lucky I let him live) my heart was full. I was speeding along on that gratefulness and happiness train. As she was playing with her beloved Papa Joe, I sneaked a peek onto Facebook, and there in a series of about 5 posts between 2 of my friends (?), was the documentation of one of those aforementioned days. I was almost instantly derailed onto the other train...complete with knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes.....transported back to the days of junior high and the exclusion I experienced. Then immediately flooded with feeling pretty stupid over even caring about it.
Maybe it's time to delete the Facebook account. Admittedly, when I don't pay attention to the posts of people who are always complaining, I find myself more able to ride the happy train. The Happy Train.....now that sounds like either the title for a really good children's book or something that could raise an eyebrow.....either way - it might be worth a shot! Writing it, I mean. :)
Sometimes I wish social media weren't the only way that some of the organizations I belong to communicated important information. You know....those organizations where I meet the people who don't really count me among their friends? :) But it's also good for seeing pictures of my incredible granddaughters, find out what's going on among my nieces and nephews and Estonian friends and knowing who needs some encouragement and prayer. So I guess I just need to care less about being cared about and buy my ticket for that train out of here. (Isn't it just a little bit ironic to be feeling like this while living in a place known as Happy Valley?)
