I came to Pittsburgh 2 days ago to sit with my mom in the hospital. While on the road, Laura Story's song Blessings came on the radio. And I cried. I always cry when I hear that song - for different reasons. Tonight I left the hospital room for the last time this trip - a very difficult walk to take. And in the car leaving the city, "the" song came on the radio again, and the tears started to flow. And broke into sobs. I don't believe in coincidences. It was no accident that that song accompanied my trips in and out of this visit.
Mom has been told there is nothing more the doctors can do for her except to give her treatments that will help with symptoms, or to offer "comfort care".
"What if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears....."
Unless I'm seriously distracted these days, it feels like every day is a rainstorm.
I hate seeing her so frail.
It breaks my heart to see her feeling so ill and unable to do for herself the simple things she was able to do up until just a few weeks ago.
It is devastating to hear her ask the doctor if he doesn't have better news.
It is bittersweet to listen to her rally her sense of humor in the face of all this.
I get a feeling of desperation to realize what a struggle it is for her to breathe, to move, to try and stay engaged in a conversation.
I'm struggling to find the blessing in these raindrops. We want some hope. And there isn't any on the horizon.
And in the midst of these days of uncertainty, sadness and trying to prepare for whatever the next step is, we also have our moments of family drama. Every family has it, I'm told - especially at times like this. And I have to say that it is just about as exhausting to me as the dwindling days we have with my mom. And that makes me even sadder. I shouldn't have to feel frustrated and angry in the midst of my grief.
I'm not sure what kind of healing is going to come through the tears. If it's out there at all, it's pretty elusive right now.
"What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if the trials of this life...are Your mercies in disguise?"
I feel terribly guilty when I leave her for a couple of days. She craves the company. She is comforted when one of us is near.
How does one balance one's own life with being present for the end of another?
I have found my last year of being primarily unemployed ending up being a blessing because it allowed me to be flexible to be present for her, and to make a few extra trips when she was down, or needed to go to a doctor appointment....or in the days that followed one of her face-breaking falls that left her physically bruised and emotionally disheartened. As my days become filled with a growing business and a new (very) part-time job, I wish I could put these things on hold to give her more of the attention and presence she needs.
The hardest part of this is knowing that when the tears have finally brought healing, it won't be the kind we all wish for - the kind that only a magic wand or a miracle could bring. It will be that she will be suffering no longer and our lives will have a very large empty space.
I hope that in those days we will truly be able to see and feel God's mercy. I pray He doesn't disguise it too deeply.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE
