Recently I spent the afternoon on the beach of Assateague Island. And despite being as much of a beach person as I am (in an intense tie with Christmas), my heart was breaking. I was so uncomfortable even being there, I couldn't wait to leave and I didn't even don a swimsuit and hardly put my feet in the water at all. And most telling, I didn't build a sandcastle! (gasp, what?!?!)
So what was happening?
I was there a part of a week with an organization I have volunteered with for over 20 years. A week that I look forward to. The work for which, I am so pumped and so passionate about, that I preach to everyone for weeks after my return. My husband has said that the pictures of me doing that work are the happiest he's ever seen me. And now......right now, I feel like burning all of my manual pages on the campfire we're going to have tonight. I am seriously considering packing away all of the t-shirts I have acquired over the years and maybe even getting rid of all of them. Usually the sight of them brings back sweet memories and smiles. Now they only bring me pain. And only one memory.
It seemed like middle school girl drama - the scenes that made this love in my life crumble around me. One of the women on the trip made an assumption about me and accused me of things I did not do. Not being very good at conflict and confrontation, I believe I went into freeze mode - my brain shutting down and unable to carry out my duties. So basically I looked pretty incompetent and spent each hour of each day waiting to hear that I had screwed up again. It was like being fired and then having to work out a predetermined notice. So Wednesday, just before beach time, I was informed that someone was coming to take over in the role I was there for. All I could think of was, "I just got fired from volunteering! And in 21 years, I have never been this unappreciated, accused, .....this much of a failure. I felt like a complete failure. Initially when the first accusatory finger was pointed, I apologized, I groveled, I cried. And I mean, CRIED. I honestly don't think I even cried that hard when my mom died and I know I did a lot of heart and gut wrenching crying during that time. As I look back on my tears and sobs and dry heaves, it all seems pretty dysregulated. The range of emotions I felt are even hard to identify- shock, sadness, shame, betrayal, anger.
Thanks to the truly amazing grace of one person, I made it through to the end of the week. I tried hard to keep my head down, heal what I could of what I had hoped was going to be a good relationship and got the heck out of Dodge as soon as I could. I never regained the sense that I had a right to be there, I figured that others would wonder why I had been allowed to stay much less still participate. It's been 3 weeks since the final day.......And I feel bruised. My heart feels battered. I am angry at the injustice and heartbroken about the image the organization may now have of me. I wasn't ready to close the door to this chapter in my life and I fear that someone else, someone who doesn't know me and didn't give me the benefit of the doubt, may have slammed it shut in my face forever. Because she has influence with those in leadership. And she is well loved by those in her circle.
In the weeks that have passed (and in the 9 1/2 hour trip it took me to get home), I have been able to take a step back and realize that this was a spiritual attack. I am even more sure of it when I think about the days and weeks beforehand when I should have been doing all of my session planning and organizing, I was unable to put together a decent thought. My brain physically felt shut down, avoidant, truly incapable of designing a program for the week. I told myself it would all come together as it had in the past. I wasn't trying to be complacent. I felt like I was physically being blocked from accomplishing what I needed to do. And even with the knowledge that I wasn't really in conflict with a person but something in the spiritual realm, I am still deeply hurt. And I struggle to not hate or be bitter. I miss loving that purpose and that work. And I'm angry that the unseen enemy got the upper hand that week. So. Very. Angry about that. And I don't know what it will take to not feel so beat up. Or ashamed. Or to feel useful for that purpose again. But I do hope that the next time I have opportunity to have my toes in some sand, there will be something other than tears in my heart.
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Going Tech-no
Technology - ugh - I have such a love/hate relationship with it. I can't stand walking into restaurants and seeing couples and families, all with their faces in their separate devices. I hate seeing kids propped up with videos and video games as their babysitters (especially when the recommended amount of screen time for kids under the age of 2 is.....ZERO!! That's right - none. Zip. Nada. Including television) We are losing the art of conversation and more importantly, listening to each other. I am amazed at kids not knowing how to identify a board game or active game they like. They only know video games.
I have had to be careful about what I read online - especially late at night. The news stories are disturbing and anxiety inducing. Pay a visit to just about any site and you can find stories of human and animal atrocities, bizarre medical incidents, reports of doom and gloom and on and on. I found it was keeping me up at night. Horrible situations that I could do nothing about. Hurting for people I didn't know.
Then there's the maddening click bait articles. I get so angry with myself when I get sucked in. They read like a poorly written 5th grade book report, which just makes my blood boil all the more. And then I realize how much of my time I have wasted on garbage.
When we have date nights or days, we usually have an agreement to go tech-no....in other words, leaving our phones in the car or put away from whatever we are doing. We focus on what we are doing, on what is going on around us and on actually connecting. I wish we had more tech-no time. I wish more of my time everywhere could be tech-no time.
And I came to a rather unsettling realization recently. I have had many client (mainly students) talk about FOMO. (Fear of missing out). And I find myself rolling my eyes inside my head when they describe how much it affects them. Part of me is thinking, "Who cares?" Who cares if you don't go to that meeting or don't join this club, or don't go out to the bars one Friday night out of a hundred? And I had a rude awakening that I too am caught up in wanting to make sure I don't miss out - or more accurately - don't show up and thus create the illusion of not caring about whatever....or worse, fear of not being missed. I guess you could call mine FONBM. Doesn't quite roll of the tongue like FOMO though, does it? ;) I became convicted that I spend too much time on devices when I should be reading a professional book, a recreational book, or the Bible.....or should be investing myself in making a difference for someone. Or connecting with family and friends. Or.....gasp.....exercising the same self-care that I preach to my clients!
I remember my first trip to Estonia - it was going to be pointless for me to take my phone because I didn't have an international plan so it would be of no use to me. Before leaving, as I handed it off to my friend for safe-keeping, I felt like I was cutting my arm off. It didn't take long for me to not miss it. And I was even a little afraid to get it back when I returned.
And although I have managed to go tech-no for a day or even a brief period of time, I have envied those who delete their social media accounts. Envied and also wondered how they could possibly survive without them. I always seem to have a bunch of reasons why I couldn't do that. It's sort of like how people tell me they could never do the Whole 30 because they couldn't survive without this or that food. Yes, they can. What they're saying is, they won't. So as I have in the past said I couldn't go off of Facebook - which is incidentally the only social media I engage in (see? I do have some self-restraint), what I was really saying is I won't. I wont' be separated from that method of being in touch with my sisters, or knowing what is going on in the life of my nieces and nephews, or a theatre group....or my volunteer organizations, or....or.....or......because ......FOMO. or FONBM. So I was pondering all of this recently and I felt convicted to get off of Facebook for this upcoming season of Lent. If checking likes, or events. or commenting on people's posts so that they wouldn't forget me was such a strong focus that I couldn't do without it, then I NEEDED to do without it. Because that's not what my focus should be.
So, that's what I'm going to do. I will be deleting Facebook from my phone before I go to bed on this Shrove Fat Tuesday. And it is my hope that I will see the world from a fresh perspective. Or maybe a past perspective. And hopefully if I am not missed, it won't matter to me because I will have found more useful ways to spend my time, energy and focus. Cheerio!
I have had to be careful about what I read online - especially late at night. The news stories are disturbing and anxiety inducing. Pay a visit to just about any site and you can find stories of human and animal atrocities, bizarre medical incidents, reports of doom and gloom and on and on. I found it was keeping me up at night. Horrible situations that I could do nothing about. Hurting for people I didn't know.
Then there's the maddening click bait articles. I get so angry with myself when I get sucked in. They read like a poorly written 5th grade book report, which just makes my blood boil all the more. And then I realize how much of my time I have wasted on garbage.
When we have date nights or days, we usually have an agreement to go tech-no....in other words, leaving our phones in the car or put away from whatever we are doing. We focus on what we are doing, on what is going on around us and on actually connecting. I wish we had more tech-no time. I wish more of my time everywhere could be tech-no time.
And I came to a rather unsettling realization recently. I have had many client (mainly students) talk about FOMO. (Fear of missing out). And I find myself rolling my eyes inside my head when they describe how much it affects them. Part of me is thinking, "Who cares?" Who cares if you don't go to that meeting or don't join this club, or don't go out to the bars one Friday night out of a hundred? And I had a rude awakening that I too am caught up in wanting to make sure I don't miss out - or more accurately - don't show up and thus create the illusion of not caring about whatever....or worse, fear of not being missed. I guess you could call mine FONBM. Doesn't quite roll of the tongue like FOMO though, does it? ;) I became convicted that I spend too much time on devices when I should be reading a professional book, a recreational book, or the Bible.....or should be investing myself in making a difference for someone. Or connecting with family and friends. Or.....gasp.....exercising the same self-care that I preach to my clients!
I remember my first trip to Estonia - it was going to be pointless for me to take my phone because I didn't have an international plan so it would be of no use to me. Before leaving, as I handed it off to my friend for safe-keeping, I felt like I was cutting my arm off. It didn't take long for me to not miss it. And I was even a little afraid to get it back when I returned.
And although I have managed to go tech-no for a day or even a brief period of time, I have envied those who delete their social media accounts. Envied and also wondered how they could possibly survive without them. I always seem to have a bunch of reasons why I couldn't do that. It's sort of like how people tell me they could never do the Whole 30 because they couldn't survive without this or that food. Yes, they can. What they're saying is, they won't. So as I have in the past said I couldn't go off of Facebook - which is incidentally the only social media I engage in (see? I do have some self-restraint), what I was really saying is I won't. I wont' be separated from that method of being in touch with my sisters, or knowing what is going on in the life of my nieces and nephews, or a theatre group....or my volunteer organizations, or....or.....or......because ......FOMO. or FONBM. So I was pondering all of this recently and I felt convicted to get off of Facebook for this upcoming season of Lent. If checking likes, or events. or commenting on people's posts so that they wouldn't forget me was such a strong focus that I couldn't do without it, then I NEEDED to do without it. Because that's not what my focus should be.
So, that's what I'm going to do. I will be deleting Facebook from my phone before I go to bed on this Shrove Fat Tuesday. And it is my hope that I will see the world from a fresh perspective. Or maybe a past perspective. And hopefully if I am not missed, it won't matter to me because I will have found more useful ways to spend my time, energy and focus. Cheerio!
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