Today, January 16th was.....is....my mother's birthday. She would have been 89. I don't know how we would have spent it if she were still here, but I know I would have relished it and I would give my right arm if it were possible to spend another of her birthdays with her. I gave blood in her honor today because during one of her medical crises several years back, I watched as they brought in pints of blood for her and I was deeply grateful that someone had taken the time to donate. And I vowed to myself that I would make that a regular thing that I would do. But I haven't - which I confess with embarrassment and regret. So I figured today was a day to get back to that promise.
One thing I did not do was post it on Facebook. I considered it. I even sifted through a few pictures to find one I hadn't used, but still wasn't sure I was going to post anything. Then I dashed off to a meeting followed by my blood donation after which the car died so the rest of the day got a little topsy turvy. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have posted after all. I couldn't put my finger on my reason for wanting to post it - was it for attention? Kind of shallow. For sympathy? I'm sure I would have received plenty of likes and encouraging words, prayers, etc. Or perhaps it would have been just to make a statement of what is going on in my life at the moment - remembering my Mom. Missing my mom. Is that any less significant than an exciting new recipe, or the accomplishment of a family member, or a rant about a broken down car? Probably not.
I used to be annoyed when I saw posts about people passing away, or people remembering the anniversary of a loved one's passing. Or finding posts on the page of one who passed away. My immediate (and very immature and self-focused) thought was, "Why are you posting this? The person can't read it!" Ok - so there's something else I am embarrassed about. But after contemplating this practice for a while, and subsequently doing posts of my own when and since my mom left this earth, it occurred to me that social media is our virtual funeral home. Or cemetery. Or even makeshift roadside memorial. We visit these places to pay our respects, express our sadness. Seek support from our community. They are where we remember and honor someone we love. And so it is with Facebook et.al. We express the longings of our hearts. We are letting our friends know what is going on with us on a particular day. No different than a performance we are in, a vacation we're enjoying, a funny anecdote involving one or more of our children.
The past several days have seen the passing of two icons in the entertainment industry. And social media blew up with expressions of grief. We most likely never knew these folks personally but we feel a loss and we want our people to know how we feel. I admit I sat and cried when I saw that Alan Rickman had died. I don't usually do that. In the past few years, our own theatre community has lost 3 thespians whom many would call "giant goldfish" in our little theatrical fishbowl. And social media was abuzz and performances were dedicated to their memory. I have to admit, I wondered to myself whether any similar response would occur in the event of my own untimely death. We don't get the opportunity afforded George Bailey; to see how our life does touch another's. We don't know how we impact those around us unless they tell us. These ponderings remind me of what a woman I know has voiced, "If I died today, the custodian of the church would only need to set up 5 chairs for the funeral - one for each of my kids, one for my mom and maybe a couple for whatever siblings would be interested in coming, because I don't think anybody else would care if I was gone."
While it is fitting and most likely therapeutic to post our grief on social media, and to welcome the encouragement and outpouring that is likely to result, I can't help but think we should also be letting our loved ones know what they mean to us now. While they're still here. It's probably a little awkward to think about. We can look at our lives and see how one poor decision had the power to forever alter our lives and turn it inside out - conversely, we should look at our lives and acknowledge how any number of interactions have enriched our lives. Have saved us from ourselves. Rather than waiting until we are posting R.I.P. to a person known personally or an admired celebrity (and by the way, I personally hate R.I.P. - please don't post that to me when I go), wouldn't it be better to post a This Is How You Touch(ed) My Life post? (or better yet a personal note or conversation) Admittedly T.I.H.Y.T.M.L. isn't quite as concise, nor as easy to type but it will bring joy to sender and recipient alike. And make all their other friends wonder..... Let us not allow those important to us to wonder if there would be a need for more than 5 chairs at a funeral.
