The thought occurred to me recently that I have lived in or around this town for all of my adult life, (not counting my years in college in Indiana.) I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel like I've missed out on some great adventure going on somewhere else. Back in '92 when my life hit a crossroads, I chose to stay so that my kids could be close to their dad. Neither of my kids lives at home now and I'm not sure why I am still here. Just recently (like, within the past 3 months) I came to a point of surrender - I decided I could pull up stakes and leave. I could go somewhere and find a church that would feel right.....perhaps find a job that offers stability......live some place that doesn't hit me so nostalgically so often....find more of a sense of purpose......just start all over again and maybe not make so many mistakes in trying to define and find.....me. And then........Joe got a full time job. In State College! And we are thrilled about that.....and thank God every day......but it means I'm staying. So I must continue to navigate my nostalgia.
Doing that is a little tough in this town with its annual rituals and academic calendar. I have to admit, that although I don't enjoy the chaos associated with students coming and going each semester, I do get a little teary.....I think it's because I didn't really have that "take my kid to college/go pick my kid up from college" ritual each year. As much as I wouldn't really want to be that awkward parent in restaurants and traffic in a distant college town, I feel like I missed out on important rites of passage with my sons. Once up and running, they moved themselves in and out of school and for the most part never came home again. So my dreams of hanging out together for some summer or holiday fun really never materialized. Younger offspring starts his senior year of college this year so the reality is hitting me that time has run out on those possibilities.
I suppose with some things, I'm probably experiencing what most people would classify as empty nest syndrome. But if you know me, you know I don't like being lumped in with any stereotype, syndrome, psychological diagnosis or popular fad. So when things like Back-to-Shopping (which I never really enjoyed anyway), the Arts Festival, Memorial Day in Boalsburg, 4th Fest and various and sundry other events roll around, or I visit local venues, I am convinced my sense of loss and just plain weirdness at doing those things alone (or at least, without offspring) is really really unique. Before I paint too golden a halo over my head at my spectacular parenting, you should know that there were many times I threatened to stop at West Point on my way to visit relatives in Connecticut to drop off said sons. And I also began bellowing the strains of "One boy, boy for sale...." from Oliver! out in the yard. Many times. And claimed I was going to become a nun. And sang "where are the simple joys of maidenhood" from Camelot. One year I told Philip I was going to hire someone to take him school shopping because I just couldn't handle it. I'm not a shopper. He is. It made for v..e...r...y long days. But now, when I watch parents with their little and not so little ones, I feel a pang. Lots of pangs, really. Of nostalgia, jealousy, wishing I could go back and do it again...do it better....sometimes I feel a little panicky that I don't remember as much as I thought. Thank goodness for photographs - even if they are stuffed into shoe boxes....because they bring back the memories of giggles, and dancing in the kitchen ...and lines from The Princess Bride....and teachable moments of conversation...and Christmases .....and soccer games and stage accomplishments ....as well as stupid fights, sibling rivalry, homework struggles and all the stuff of life.
Sometimes Memory Lane is a lonely place. We like to believe that as we journey through life, we've made enough of an impression so as to be remembered. I attended church this morning in a place where I once spent 8 years leading worship...not that long ago, actually. I could have named 2/3 of the people sitting in the seats. And as they said good morning, I could tell I was a face in the crowd....they had no remembrance of me. 2 people actually said "It's so good to see you! How have you been?" Out of approximately 300, that's a little disconcerting....but those 2 did indeed mean a lot. This weekend, SCCT presents The Music Man. The last time they did it, I was the lead. So there's a bit of nostalgia going on again. I am not unrealistic - I know I should never expect to get cast in such a role again...and I would never begrudge this cast the accolades they are receiving all over the place....I'm sure the production is stellar!.....but sometimes you wonder....does anyone remember our production? Well that answer came in a message on Facebook to me this morning....someone took the time to write a very personal note sharing that memory. And it just plain feels good. Add to that, someone else has posted some of the old cast pictures and it has been a great time of reminiscing together as comments have been added. I think we all need that. We all need to know that at some place and time we made an impression on someone.
So as shows come and go, and school starts up and parents are running their kids to soccer and rehearsals and everything under the sun, and holiday shopping and watching for school snow days, and friendships are formed around activities of which I am no longer a part, and Facebook is flooded with everyone's kids' accomplishments and activities, I will be attempting to find new adventures near and far....trying to perfect my role as grandma (or Gam Gam or whatever she ends up calling me)...and trying to make a difference in the lives of the hungry and homeless.....and plugging away at my 3 part-time jobs.....and building a new life with a wonderful love.....and maybe I'll find a place to belong that will make my 30+ years of attempting to put down roots in this area not feel like they're attached to a seedling ..and who knows, maybe I'll even get around to getting rid of the baby clothes....or putting all those photos into some semblance of order. But I'm not holding my breath on those last 2. :)
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Just........WOW! Part 1 (probably)
A few months ago I had planned on writing a post with this title.....but for entirely different reasons than those about which I am about to expound. I'm sure I'll get back to it in a subsequent post but for now, I bring you the ways in which I was wowed on my recent Harvest of Hope mission trip.
Harvest of Hope is the educational branch of the Society of St. Andrew, an organization that exists to help feed America's hungry because of the Biblical mandate to do so. Check them out here when you get a chance: www.endhunger.org. It has been a couple of years since I've had the chance to do this work so when I was contacted to serve as the event coordinator for a week-long event in Montross, Virginia, I was pretty pumped. This was my 15th HOH event and I can say unequivocally, it was the best HOH event I have ever experienced. In fact, as I tearfully (geez I get so mad at myself when I blubber in front of a group of people) gave Saturday morning's message from the beach of the Potomac River, I spoke the truth in telling this crew that it was the first time I wasn't ready to go home at the end of a HOH event.
So why and in what ways was I wowed?
1. This group of high school aged teenagers and their leaders were the most courteous (if you've read my last blog post you'll know I'm a bit OCD about that), hardworking, dedicated, caring and flexible group of kids I've ever worked with. One young man shared that it felt like the group of 53 of us had become a family. And he was right. It was incredibly rewarding to see them reaching out to each other across church group lines. We had groups from North Carolina, Michigan and Virginia present. And no matter what obstacles we faced, changes in schedule, mealtime mishaps and stifling heat, this gang found any and every road over around and through, to accomplish our purposes. They will probably never know the depth of my gratitude for that.
2. I was wowed once again (I feel like I'm starting to sound like Barbra Walters) as I was required to share statistics of hunger, both globally and in the U.S. Right now, in our own backyards and communities, 1 in 5 U.S. households with children is considered food insecure. And to learn that we as a nation, waste 96 billion pounds of food annually. Yet we spend 53.3 billion dollars each year on pet supplies. Some things remain unfathomable to me. Like the 580 billion dollars spent on December holidays in 2012. If I'm not careful, my statistics become a sledge hammer. Because what can we do about it, really? Well, let me tell you.....
3. The aforementioned group of 53 teens and adults managed to harvest and glean 21,000 pounds of corn and 1,000 pounds of potatoes! THAT'S what we can do about it! All of that food had already been distributed all over the state of Virginia to homes needing fresh food by the time we packed our bags and headed for home. Words cannot express the feeling I have when I think about being part of something that to some people, was a monumental moment. How do I know it meant that much to them? Because I've been on the other side. I've been the recipient of food donations. And just as I cannot describe the feeling of purpose I gain from doing this gleaning work, I cannot adequately express the feeling of humiliation, embarrassment and failure that comes when one has to accept charity. (sidebar statistic - 1 out of every 2 children in America right now, at some point in their life, will need supplemental nutrition assistance). Add to that, the myriad of conflicting emotions when you open one of those cans to find rust, mold, and completely unpalatable food. So I simply stood amazed and humbled watching a very large box truck fill up with crate after crate of fresh sweet corn.
4. As I mentioned, this is the 15 HOH in which I have participated. So I've seen lots of groups come and go. And I've seen a wide range in work ethic. These kids and their leaders worked harder than any group I've ever seen. The runners, as they were called, took their duties quite literally and were RUNNING through the tall stalks of corn to get empty crates to the pickers and the full ones to the truck. The full ones ranged in weight from 20 -50 pounds. Unbelievable! Now, my suspicion is that at home, it's quite possible that the moms of these kids can't get them to pick their own socks up (a theory based entirely on what was experienced in my own home with my own children who went on mission trips) but for that week, they were unstoppable.
5. The reasons and ways it came about that we would be at that particular place at that particular time are probably what touch my soul the deepest. These would be the 2 men who started the Northern Neck Food Bank.....and the farmers who plant portions of their fields specifically to have gleaners come to get the food for the needy, and the people who made it possible for us to stay in the beautiful Westmoreland State Park, and the folks at the GTL test site (we got to see the actual crash dummies) that allowed us to cook, serve and hold educational sessions in their facility, and the churches who fed us fantastic lunches.........they all did what they did, because they were so happy we were there to do what we were doing!! Talk about having some meaning in your days! Wow.
6. This stuff is all around us. The need, I mean. I bet you have someone in your own circle of influence who is struggling to buy food.....or pay the utility bills......or get their own kids the necessities of going back to school in a few weeks. One night, still rather high on the memories of the week's experience, I made a phone call to someone in my own life to just check in. Hearing their plight of not having food in their house (with the exception of flour, sugar and some butter), and no income expected for the better part of a week, and not enough gas in the car to get them to their local food pantry, I've got to say my emotional balloon was more than deflated. Because although I had helped to provide thousands of servings to food to folks in Virginia, this was someone I KNEW who was beyond my ability to help......in a different state.....and my own wallet quite thin with this summer's lack of work. And I felt helpless. From WOW to.....wow. It hits so close to home. Mine and yours.
It's been tougher for me to re-enter "real life" this time. And I'm glad about that. I hope I don't lose the pricks of tenderness my heart has been experiencing these past few weeks. I'm not proud of how small and self-focused my world became over the last several months - at least about the unimportant things. I hope I continue on this quest to do more.....to keep seeing the "bigger picture"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9Yasgzjc0w
Harvest of Hope is the educational branch of the Society of St. Andrew, an organization that exists to help feed America's hungry because of the Biblical mandate to do so. Check them out here when you get a chance: www.endhunger.org. It has been a couple of years since I've had the chance to do this work so when I was contacted to serve as the event coordinator for a week-long event in Montross, Virginia, I was pretty pumped. This was my 15th HOH event and I can say unequivocally, it was the best HOH event I have ever experienced. In fact, as I tearfully (geez I get so mad at myself when I blubber in front of a group of people) gave Saturday morning's message from the beach of the Potomac River, I spoke the truth in telling this crew that it was the first time I wasn't ready to go home at the end of a HOH event.
So why and in what ways was I wowed?
1. This group of high school aged teenagers and their leaders were the most courteous (if you've read my last blog post you'll know I'm a bit OCD about that), hardworking, dedicated, caring and flexible group of kids I've ever worked with. One young man shared that it felt like the group of 53 of us had become a family. And he was right. It was incredibly rewarding to see them reaching out to each other across church group lines. We had groups from North Carolina, Michigan and Virginia present. And no matter what obstacles we faced, changes in schedule, mealtime mishaps and stifling heat, this gang found any and every road over around and through, to accomplish our purposes. They will probably never know the depth of my gratitude for that.
2. I was wowed once again (I feel like I'm starting to sound like Barbra Walters) as I was required to share statistics of hunger, both globally and in the U.S. Right now, in our own backyards and communities, 1 in 5 U.S. households with children is considered food insecure. And to learn that we as a nation, waste 96 billion pounds of food annually. Yet we spend 53.3 billion dollars each year on pet supplies. Some things remain unfathomable to me. Like the 580 billion dollars spent on December holidays in 2012. If I'm not careful, my statistics become a sledge hammer. Because what can we do about it, really? Well, let me tell you.....
3. The aforementioned group of 53 teens and adults managed to harvest and glean 21,000 pounds of corn and 1,000 pounds of potatoes! THAT'S what we can do about it! All of that food had already been distributed all over the state of Virginia to homes needing fresh food by the time we packed our bags and headed for home. Words cannot express the feeling I have when I think about being part of something that to some people, was a monumental moment. How do I know it meant that much to them? Because I've been on the other side. I've been the recipient of food donations. And just as I cannot describe the feeling of purpose I gain from doing this gleaning work, I cannot adequately express the feeling of humiliation, embarrassment and failure that comes when one has to accept charity. (sidebar statistic - 1 out of every 2 children in America right now, at some point in their life, will need supplemental nutrition assistance). Add to that, the myriad of conflicting emotions when you open one of those cans to find rust, mold, and completely unpalatable food. So I simply stood amazed and humbled watching a very large box truck fill up with crate after crate of fresh sweet corn.
4. As I mentioned, this is the 15 HOH in which I have participated. So I've seen lots of groups come and go. And I've seen a wide range in work ethic. These kids and their leaders worked harder than any group I've ever seen. The runners, as they were called, took their duties quite literally and were RUNNING through the tall stalks of corn to get empty crates to the pickers and the full ones to the truck. The full ones ranged in weight from 20 -50 pounds. Unbelievable! Now, my suspicion is that at home, it's quite possible that the moms of these kids can't get them to pick their own socks up (a theory based entirely on what was experienced in my own home with my own children who went on mission trips) but for that week, they were unstoppable.
5. The reasons and ways it came about that we would be at that particular place at that particular time are probably what touch my soul the deepest. These would be the 2 men who started the Northern Neck Food Bank.....and the farmers who plant portions of their fields specifically to have gleaners come to get the food for the needy, and the people who made it possible for us to stay in the beautiful Westmoreland State Park, and the folks at the GTL test site (we got to see the actual crash dummies) that allowed us to cook, serve and hold educational sessions in their facility, and the churches who fed us fantastic lunches.........they all did what they did, because they were so happy we were there to do what we were doing!! Talk about having some meaning in your days! Wow.
6. This stuff is all around us. The need, I mean. I bet you have someone in your own circle of influence who is struggling to buy food.....or pay the utility bills......or get their own kids the necessities of going back to school in a few weeks. One night, still rather high on the memories of the week's experience, I made a phone call to someone in my own life to just check in. Hearing their plight of not having food in their house (with the exception of flour, sugar and some butter), and no income expected for the better part of a week, and not enough gas in the car to get them to their local food pantry, I've got to say my emotional balloon was more than deflated. Because although I had helped to provide thousands of servings to food to folks in Virginia, this was someone I KNEW who was beyond my ability to help......in a different state.....and my own wallet quite thin with this summer's lack of work. And I felt helpless. From WOW to.....wow. It hits so close to home. Mine and yours.
It's been tougher for me to re-enter "real life" this time. And I'm glad about that. I hope I don't lose the pricks of tenderness my heart has been experiencing these past few weeks. I'm not proud of how small and self-focused my world became over the last several months - at least about the unimportant things. I hope I continue on this quest to do more.....to keep seeing the "bigger picture"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9Yasgzjc0w
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