I was thinking the other day that my life was feeling like a blog post. But maybe somebody else's because I always try to be kind of positive, and humorous and hopeful....at least at the end of my posts. But I wasn't feeling all that positive or hopeful. Which is why I was sitting at the Cracker Barrel sucking down a plate of sticky chicken and dumplings. Now I know that many folks - some of my own friends and family among them, take issue with Cracker Barrel and the philopsophies espoused by the company. Let me say right here and now, for the record, I was not attempting to make any socio-political statement. I needed comfort food and I needed it NOW and nobody serves up food that is so simultaneously detrimental and comforting like Cracker Barrel.
And as I sat slurping my dumplings and pondering life at the moment, I started to think I was sounding like a letter to Roseanne Roseannadanna. At least the ones written to her by "A Mr. Richard Feder".
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
I'm not sleeping well, my hair is falling out, my house is a mess, I'm anxious all the time, my face is breaking out, I'm overweight, I don't have a job and my car just died in the parking lot of Kohls and I have to go to a baby shower 2 hours away tomorrow. What should I do?
And her answer to me would be something like she always said to Richard Feder - "You sound lahk a real attractive guy!" well, gal. yeah, don't I though?
And then, almost blasphemically (is that a word?) I thought about the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan River and how a voice came out of heaven which included the words "In whom I am well pleased." And I thought, wow! I could use that right now - a few doves, a beam of light....and a big voice letting the world know that there are still some things about me about which someone could be "well pleased." Because honestly at that moment in time, it didn't feel like it. It felt a little more like there was a big flashing neon light above my head that was flashing LOSER. And with my luck, it probably had pink flamingoes on it. :) In fact, as I thought about blogging it all, I reminded myself that I had started a challenge not too long ago on this blog - 52 weeks to a better me.....and I realized that even that is going to have to be tabled for awhile. I am still working on truly getting myself to the starting line on that one. The last assignment was to "Surpass Yourself" and all the superlatives in the assignment were daunting - "better than EVER"....."in EVERYTHING you do" etc. I didn't used to let my kids use words like never, always, everybody and nobody and here I was putting that burden on myself. I also realized in that introspective time at Cracker Barrel that I had only surpassed myself in the number of tears shed, hours I lingered in bed unable to get motivated to get up, anxious thoughts, uncompleted tasks, pounds gained in a short period of time, and panic attacks. Not something I wanted to proudly blog about. Except I just did. oops.
So I decided to try and take a step out from under that neon L sign and I left my server a large tip. For a couple of reasons, really - #1. He was an excellent server- and in him I was "well pleased" and I figured hey! if I need to know that about myself today, maybe he does too. #2. I didn't have any smaller bills and was too lazy to ask for change then walk ALL THE WAY back to the table. #3. I know that focusing on someone else is the first and best way to get out of the trench of self- pity.
As I walked to the parking lot, I tried to imagine a "well pleased" beam shooting out of the heavens. I can honestly say my dog is well-pleased with me. Don't knock it - it's a start. And I have some friends and family members who in recent weeks have absolutely showered me with support and love - and meals, and affirming words and emails with Scripture passages that are just what I need at that moment, and connection time at Panera, yard work, prayers.....the list amazes me. I used to say "I don't really have any friends in this town" but I have been blown away by the blessings that have come to me from unexpected situations. They know my warts, metaphorically speaking, and they love me anyway. They seem to be "pleased" to know me. And yesterday, a brand new client genuinely seemed to be "well pleased" with me after his appointment. And I was astounded. So maybe no beam of light is going to appear over my head.....unless I'm about to be abducted by aliens.....but I am definitely sensing the "sufficient grace" that the Bible talks about and it's getting me through these days of uncertainty.
So, you're right, Roseanne Roseannadanna, if it's not one thing, it's another. And we all have some choice at those times - about what to believe, how to act, whether or not to let people in or to reach out, the list goes on....and now, since the sun is finally out in central Pennsylvania, I think I will cause my pup to be well pleased with me and take her for a walk.
Goodnight, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
