Holiday Reflections

I have just dug into what I have decided HAS TO BE my last piece of pumpkin pie until Thanksgiving. I make no promises about the thumbprint cookies (my favorites)  beckoning to me from atop the refrigerator, though.  As I sit here typing, I happened to catch my reflection in the dining room Dutch door glass and can plainly see that I have packed on the not-so-proverbial holiday poundage.  A bit frustrating because just prior to the holidays I had lost about 8 pounds and was pretty happy about that.  So that's not the reflection to which I refer in my title here,  and I have determined not to beat myself up about it because 1. I have a plan for getting back on the wagon and 2.  the experiences that together compile what has been my holiday season thus far have been wonderful and rewarding and I wouldn't trade any of them.....well, except searching countless stores for particular gift items that were not to be found, but I digress.

I am genuinely thankful that I can look upon this holiday season feeling satisfied and with a full heart because at the beginning of this month, I started a post that was melancholy and bemoaning the lack of Christmas spirit I felt.  What then, helped to snap me out of my curmudgeonly outlook that had me, yes ME - turning OFF the Christmas music??  I surmise it was a number of factors that rescued me from myself.

"Scrooge, the Musical" undoubtedly played a large role (pun somewhat intended) in fostering good cheer within me. I mean honestly - how can one play Mrs. Fezziwig - Mrs. December the 25th without her character seeping into even my grumpiest days? Working with this particular cast and production company is such an honor and I thoroughly enjoyed just about every minute in the rehearsal and performance process.  (the only moments I did not enjoy were when my recently operated on knees had difficulty with the choreography and caused me more pain than the ghosts did Ebeneezer)  What an amazing and talented bunch of people who were genuinely supportive of each other. One of my favorite highlights was standing outside the theatre caroling in costume.  It was fun, and satisfied my need to be singing Christmas carols, as the church I attend was not doing this music during Advent.....so I was grateful to get my fix. And let's not forget the post-show trips to Home D.....camaraderie and....calories.   It's hard to believe that a mere 2 weeks ago this moment, we were wrapping up our 3rd of 4 performances!  It seems like months since we were together and I miss them all.

My surprise visitors on opening night were the Best. Christmas. Present. Ever.  Having received phone calls from each of my sons prior to opening night to wish me the traditional theatrical broken legs and apologizing for not being able to make it to the show,  I suppose my reaction was pure shock when I was called to the lobby just before opening and walked out to see my son, his wife and their 3 year old daughter holding a dozen red roses.........and of course I had to go re-apply all the makeup that my tears washed away.  My heart was full and that, coupled with adrenaline allowed me to accomplish the dancing without pain. 

Between rehearsals and continuing to work 3 jobs, I had little time for getting the tree.  And of course, I hate breaking tradition, so there simply is no other option than to go out and cut one.  No artificial or previously cut trees for me!  But then, finding a suitable tree become difficult because of what I call my Christmas OCD, so I was very thankful that the ONE day, during a very SHORT window of time, we were able to get to the tree farm - with unseasonably warm weather, no rain, and found a pretty- near -perfect tree in less than 40 minutes. 

Other things that helped the holiday spirit were:

 A girls' night and ornament exchange with some former co-workers whom I haven't seen in months, at a restaurant that pretends to be swanky.  What a great evening!

I actually got to see/hear many of my favorite Christmas movies.  And there's still time - after all, there isn't a WRONG time to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" - because we always need that reminder.....and, it was my parents' first date - and there's never a wrong time to remember them.  Not to mention that the movie was first released in the spring, so even the film makers think it's ok to watch it at times other than Christmas.  :)

A weekend in Pittsburgh that included celebrating Christmas early with younger offspring and his fiancé, that culminating in visiting Phipps Conservatory Christmas flower show and Winter Light garden.  Gorgeous evening, lovely gifts and a trip to the always fabulous Cheesecake Factory.  Add in a celebratory afternoon with Joe's mom and his kids......and a kennel bill that was less than anticipated and I'm a happy camper!

Attending a heartwarming and intimate dinner theatre production of "Home for the Holidays" - a 1940's radio-hour type piece with friends in the cast and the audience.  Unique and festive way to spend a Saturday evening during the holidays.

Scanning the radio dial on one of my trips to a faraway school and finding Bob and Sheri on the air!  I have so missed their program since it was removed from the one and only station in town who used to carry them. It was like finding a surprise under the Christmas tree!  Almost makes me want to go back to work so I can hear them again soon!

Lunch with one of my favorite cast members from Scrooge which then included a trip to an antique store that had everything from the kitchiest of the kitch to beautiful decades-old furniture.  And lots of laughter.  And pretty decent food to boot.

The unexpected and deliciously juicy arrival of a box of chocolate covered strawberries!  So incredibly good!

After a couple of years frustrated by Christmas eve services, it was wonderful to attend one with meaning. The evening continued at an open house which has been a tradition in our family for many years with - you guessed it - fabulous food! Home to wrap presents accompanied by Christmas music -  - sweet, peaceful, soul-filling.

A quiet Christmas morning exchanging gifts with Joe, followed by a merry houseful of children and their mom and dad, and 100 pound golden.....lots of excitement in opening gifts, and hugs and kisses and baby giggles and a would-be ballerina flitting about all day in her leotard, tights and tutu. Mix in wonderful food and treats, and games of Dutch Blitz and Clue and a viewing of The Polar Express, and you've got a glorious couple of days.   In my world, it doesn't get any better.  Unless of course, other son and his lovely young lady could have joined us.

The Hobbit - 3rd installment.  Admittedly, I didn't think there needed to be a full trilogy of The Hobbit.  I even dozed off a few times during the 2nd one.  But I thoroughly enjoyed this one this afternoon and it helped to take my mind off how much I was missing the holiday hubbub that had been going on in the house the past few days as the kiddos have moved onto the next celebration destination and quiet has once again fallen within these walls. We do have the 100 pound golden who has stayed on here at Mimi's house and he does make me smile most of the time.

With another week of official holiday time, I suppose this isn't the exhaustive list of the good stuff as I hope to have more celebrating and fun before trees start hitting the curbs and the beautiful Christmas lights we see in our travels blink out and disappear from the landscape.  But this evening does hold a few minutes of down time and I thought it beneficial to jot a few thoughts of the good things, lest I focus on all the things I didn't get done, or cards that were never sent, or gifts I couldn't afford to buy, or people I didn't get to see.  As always I already have my plans for Things I Will Do Differently Next Year.....but I don't want to forget the things I did get right this year.  Despite all that I wanted to accomplish, and do differently than last year, it's truly been a Merry Christmas....one of which Mrs. Fezziwig herself would approve.

Roller coasters and Train Tracks

Sigh. I have always loved roller coasters.  At least the kind in amusement parks....and the ones that don't cause me to see my life flashing before me.

 Real life roller coasters, however, are not all that much fun.  I mean, the quick descent after the thrill of the high point is just not something most of us would like to buy a ticket for.  These dips come in many forms   - illness, loss, financial struggle, loneliness, the state of the nation, the condition of the world.  And I think that social media has significantly magnified this discrepancy between where we wish we were (or pretend to be) and where we actually find ourselves.  Sometimes all it takes is seeing the happy posts of someone and we quickly measure our own lives and feel it comes up short.  Or peek into the polarizing vitriol and we are awash in a flood of hopelessness.

Or maybe it's just me. I once had a boss who told me I internalize everything, and that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I had no clue what he meant at the time, but now I can see he was right.  And I wish it weren't so.  I also once had a friend who told me he truly didn't care if people didn't care about him....and oh how I wished I could be like that!  I think I've always tried to be a good friend to others and I sincerely cannot understand why I don't experience reciprocity in that. I have honestly tried to evaluate that and alter my behavior, my way of being, my choice of words.   Maybe it's a little extreme....or even a little shallow, but my basic definition of a friend is someone I can call in the middle of the night if I find myself in the midst of a crisis.  And I honestly don't have a name to fill in that blank.  And I really don't feel like I have had that for years.  So sometimes I start lighting candles on my pity party cake. 

I am simultaneously amazed and ashamed at how quickly I am impacted when I learn that people who I thought were good friends of mine get together for a lovely day or evening out......and I don't get invited.  Like, ever.  Years ago I had some friends who would all pile into a decorated VW van to go out and celebrate the birthday of someone in the group.  Though I would hear all about the antics of the birthday bus, I was never once invited nor celebrated.  I feel like an 8 year old crying about being left out of the kickball game on the playground.  And I feel really embarrassed about that.  But I can almost hear a parody of that lovely song from Wicked...."unPopular.....I'm really unPopular!"

In my work, I often use a metaphor I read in Regina Brett's book, God Never Blinks.....she talks about the two train tracks in everyone's life.....the train with negative thoughts and the struggle with bad experiences and the one with positive thoughts and thankfulness for the good experiences.  We all have both trains running through our lives all the time.....and we must choose which train we are riding at any given moment.

Well, today, I was enjoying a day I have longed for ......my granddaughter was coming to my house to spend the night - we were playing at Chic Fil A and besides the bratty little boy in the play area who scared the bejeezus out of her (I believe on purpose - he's lucky I let him live) my heart was full. I was speeding along on that gratefulness and happiness train. As she was playing with her beloved Papa Joe, I sneaked a peek onto Facebook, and there in a series of about 5 posts between 2 of my friends (?), was the documentation of one of those aforementioned days.  I was almost instantly derailed onto the other train...complete with knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes.....transported back to the days of junior high and the exclusion I experienced.  Then immediately flooded with feeling pretty stupid over even caring about it.

Maybe it's time to delete the Facebook account.  Admittedly, when I don't pay attention to the posts of people who are always complaining, I find myself more able to ride the happy train.  The Happy Train.....now that sounds like either the title for a really good children's book or something that could raise an eyebrow.....either way - it might be worth a shot!  Writing it, I mean.  :) 

Sometimes I wish social media weren't the only way that some of the organizations I belong to communicated important information.  You know....those organizations where I meet the people who don't really count me among their friends?  :)  But it's also good for seeing pictures of my incredible granddaughters, find out what's going on among my nieces and nephews and Estonian friends and knowing who needs some encouragement and prayer.  So I guess I just need to care less about being cared about and buy my ticket for that train out of here.   (Isn't it just a little bit ironic to be feeling like this while living in a place known as Happy Valley?)

The Party's Over......

The title of this blog post was almost something about it ain't over til the fat lady sings, but decided that  reference is offensive for a number of reasons.....and the Yogi Berra thing about "it ain't over til it's over" just sounds unintelligent.  So, the party's over......and I'm not liking it.

So, in case you hadn't noticed, Christmas is over.  Anyone who knows me well (or knows me casually on Facebook) knows that I love Christmas and do a monthly countdown.  Truth be told, I actually love Christmas Eve even better than Christmas Day.  I've unpacked all the psychological reasons for that but I won't go into them here.  Anyway, throughout the month of January, on my evening commute home, I was actively counting and mentally giving high 5s to the houses who still had their Christmas lights on.  Part of me genuinely loved seeing the lights and their festivity, and admittedly, part of me took comfort that I was still ok that mine were on.  The spotlighted inflatable Santa up the street, though making the nightly count, did nothing to bolster my spirit.  Little by little, the evening count diminished. But now, even the Santa is deflated and folded over onto himself.  The party is indeed, over.

 I took the Nativity scene down today- although theologically speaking, that's the one thing that could have stayed up year.  The Christmas lights on the outside were turned off for the season the day before the Super Bowl.....much to my chagrin.  And I chose to take the tree down during the Super Bowl, thinking it would help take my mind off the fact that the Steelers weren't playing.  In retrospect, that was a dumb idea because taking the tree down is the saddest day of the year for me.  

While all of the lights, music, decorations and various other "trappings" of Christmas bring an extra measure of lightness to life, I've come to realize it is the transformation in people that happens during holiday time that make me love Christmas so much.  Think about it - people are more likely to give you space in traffic to change lanes, they make eye contact and smile in the grocery store, apologize when they realize they're in your way, offer to hold doors, execute random acts of kindness.  And now, just about 6 weeks later, so much of that has dissipated if not disappeared altogether.  Even the borough is on board during the holidays  - offering free parking and feeding your meter.....once the new year is over, however, you'll find that little "love note" just 13 minutes past your quarter running out.  Voice of experience here.  :(   Patience seems to have blinked out just like the Christmas lights and then there's this snow.  If all this glorious white stuff had fallen during the week between Christmas and New Year's, we would have been celebrating and posting happy pictures.  Today there's been post after post of complaining. And hatred for winter.  I mean, I want to be at the beach just as much as the next guy or gal.  But it's all a matter of perspective. There's still some incredible beauty in the silent white blanket that descended today. People are just as worthy of respect, a helping hand, or a kind word today as they were sometime in December.  There are still moments to treasure and missions to accomplish, whether or not there's a tree in the corner or candles in the window.  Oh if only we could all be like the transformed Scrooge, who promises with all sincerity to "keep Christmas in my heart all year."  It would certainly help this girl...and make us all just a little happier on a regular basis.  Who knows - it might even impact the Valentine's Day naysayers!  

Customer service or Feminism?

I'm in the mood for a bit of a rant.  Actually I have spent the entire day mostly engaged in avoidance activities so I figure why not do a little more of it?

I just came from Lowes.  I stopped in after church this evening to look at refrigerators because I need one. And I need it NOW!  Although I am grateful for cold weather and picnic coolers, I'm not relishing running down to the garage or outside to get food to prepare.  AND - with my intent to return to clean eating, I need someplace to store all those glorious fruits and veggies I plan to buy, without fear that they will freeze.

So, I spent 25 minutes in and around the refrigerator section of the store - opening doors, and drawers, and pulling out ice bins and such.  Walking back and forth....revisiting units I had already looked at....looking at price tags.  Not exactly lolly-gagging, you know?  Guess how many sales associates came and asked if they could help me.  Go on, guess.  If you said ZERO give yourself a prize!  Maybe because it was Saturday evening, within one hour of closing, these folks didn't want to get into anything as intensive as making a sale.  Apparently they're not working on commission.  It's not like I was just buying a pack of light bulbs (although I should be hoarding those now but that's another story).  As I left the store, a cashier told me to have a good night.  His smile was nice....it was a nice sentiment but it wasn't "Did you find everything you were looking for?"  Obviously, because I was leaving empty-handed, I had not. One might think, maybe they were short-handed.  Um...no.  As I walked out of the store, there were 3 sales associates standing in a little klatch in the seasonal section (which happens to be empty because Christmas is over and garden stuff isn't fully out yet) shooting the breeze together.  So, there was no Lowes charge account opened this evening, and no refrigerator purchased. 

I went across the highway to visit their competitor.  I was greeted but not helped. Two women pretty much ignored my purposeful walk right into the kitchen section. Shortly after I arrived there, though, the announcement was made to bring your final purchases to the cashier.

I suspect that the poor customer service is not rooted in laziness, or being unaware that a customer needs help or being so swamped that I was far down on the list of customers to be served.  I tend to think (and this is based on YEARS of experience as a single female in this town) that I was not given attentive service because I was a single female in there. Apparently only men are serious about buying big things like refrigerators and cars. Or they are the only ones whose drink needs refreshing in a restaurant.  (Seriously - it's happened on more than one occasion that my date gets many refills and I have to flag a server down to get my glass filled but I digress)  I'm not one to pull the discrimination card easily (even though I've had YEARS of experience with it), but I will bet you dollars to donuts (what does that phrase even mean?!?) that tomorrow, when I walk in there with a member of the male persuasion, we will be approached and offered help in less time than I spent investigating the appliances.  And if that happens, we will be walking out the door and heading to Sears.

I was in such a tizzy over this that I ended up eating a Sheetz hot dog for dinner.  Yuk!  So much for new health in the new year.  I'll blame it on Lowes.

So am I talking about customer service or taking a stand for feminism?  I'll let you decide.  But the proof will be in who gets the commission.