Note to self....

Dear Sally,

We need to talk.  I feel compelled to tell you that it is waaaaay too early in the semester for you to be getting to this level of frustration! 

Yes, there are students walking in front of your car at every intersection without looking, and doing so without any sense of urgency, thus causing you to have to miss many opportunities to get on your way.  And yes, they do it without so much as a thank you or even an acknowledgement of your presence, mostly due to ear buds and walking and texting.  Some of them do see you and lollygag anyway because after all, THEY ARE.....and they own the place. 

I really "get it" that your supervisor dropped the ball again this year and is allowing someone else to continue to do your work just a few weeks after he confirmed that the former person REALLY WAS retired - for good this time. 

May I take this moment to remind you how much you desperately wanted a few of these folks in your life  just a few weeks ago when town was still pleasantly less populated and schools hadn't started back yet?  You know.....when the income stream looked a raindrop in the Sahara?

Blasting horrid music and impossibly long lines at the Dunkin' Donuts making you crazy?  Hey - aren't you supposed to be going gluten- and sugar-free?  Busted!!!

Perhaps the crazy traffic is partly to blame for your elevated pulse and blood pressure.....hey - let 'em have their half of your lane as well as their own!  They certainly don't mind, so why should you?

Or the people in the grocery store who scarf up both of the salmon samples the nice man in the chef hat was offering to both you and them.....what can I say, you're only pretending to like salmon anyway.

It seems you need to once again be cognizant of what time you enter a Panera if you don't want to be waiting in line outside.....   would it help to remember that the food isn't all that healthy anyway and rather pricey when you think about it?  Better to head to Callao Café and Market ( https://www.facebook.com/CallaoCafe) where "everybody knows your name"....or at least the ringmaster does. 

So you didn't love the Nittany Lion music blaring in Wegmans today?  Well, all I can say is WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, anyway, going to Wegmans at 3:40 on a football Friday?  Obviously, you were not.  Thinking, that is.

You need to get a grip, Girl.  The carefree, go-anywhere-without-a-hassle-days of summer are over. Time to hibernate til Christmas.

So I suggest a few stress-busting tips:

Move your office out of downtown.

Meditate - cue up Dr. Junger for his 5 Minutes to De-Tox Your Mind and bask in his Antonio Banderas-esque tones and be daring - go ahead and "feel your knees.....intensely....from the inside!"

Take a walk.  (You DO have the Color Run/Walk coming up and you don't anyone having to carry you - that would just be embarrassing!)

Take a nap.

Take a bubble bath.

Take a nap in a bubble bath.

Have a campfire.

Fix yourself a nice Ribena Seltzer.

Go glean something.

Breathe, for goodness' sake!  Those pressure headaches at your temples and stress induced ulcers in your mouth are just the first signs that not only are you headed for being pretty darn unattractive (not to mention cranky), but that you are also on course to spontaneously combust before Thanksgiving!  And that would ruin all the fun!

I realize that in your (our) business, disassociation is not usually a good thing - but you may want to give it a bit of a shot!



Sincerely,

Your calmer and more rational self
(who is apparently vacationing somewhere in the French or Mexican Riviera)


Dear C. R. S.,

Please come home soon.  I miss you already.

Love,
Sally

Finding Mrs. Write

I really want to be a writer. It's been a desire of mine for quite a long time.  From the short stories that my youngest sister read aloud to college boyfriends in a cockney accent, to the Christmas pageant scripts that I expanded or created because so many little darlings simply had to have a speaking part, to poems that express my grief journey, to this blog, sometimes I just get the urge to write. I've had ideas for a play or two.....I did, in fact, write a one-act fractured fairy tale for my elementary drama club to perform the year I attempted to start the program.  Unfortunately the play was never produced because the leading lady (girl) and leading man (boy) did so much screaming and insulting one another and the associate director and me, that I really couldn't handle the drama.  Ironic, I know......so my writing wings have never fully spread - or some similar metaphor that says that I'm still a frustrated writer wannabe.   I am simultaneously inspired and defeated when I enter a library or Barnes & Noble.  I feel a compulsion to jump into the fray....at the same time looking at the stacks upon stacks of material others have written and can't help but think, "the market is already flooded.  What could I possibly have to say that anyone would find entertaining, useful, interesting, etc?  I'd probably end up on the bargain table right out of the chute." 

I got a Nook for my birthday and I am incredibly excited about it.  I sneak out of bed to secretly scan through all the options for downloading. (although when one does this in their own, grown-up home, and it's nothing illicit or inappropriate, is it really "sneaking"?)   I become disappointed when the samples end, because you see, I don't really want to pay for anything in case I don't like it.  But then my mind starts racing and the blood pumping about all the things I could potentially write that might show up on somebody's Nook or Kindle.  And so I try to squeeze out a thought and I might as well be trying to dig a pearl out of a cow plop. ( I have no idea where that image came from, but I couldn't clear it from my brain so I just typed it).  Somebody once told me that I should just write what I know.  Hmmmmm   interesting concept.  So I made a list of possible book titles that would reflect the topics about which I could share some expertise:


 1.  How to Gain Weight Without Really Trying

2.  101 Uses for M &Ms - The Teacher's Tasty Tool

               and piggy-backing on that one.....

3.  The Art of Applying Alliteration

4.  Church Shopping......Again

5.  1,001 Relationship, Parenting and Career Mistakes....an autobiography

6.  Licking the Same Popsicle....our unhealthy relationships with our pets

7.  Is it Simple Procrastination or Undiagnosed ADD.....Did Somebody Say Ice Cream?

8.  A Survival Guide to Living Wal-Mart-free

9.  Missing Estonia

10.  Living a Duct Tape Life  (this one I have actually, begun to put together as a series of essays)
            and its sequel:
11.  Lazy Days........and Weeks.......and Months.......and Years.

12.  Mr. Wrong - a study in patterns

            and its sequel.......When You're Ex-Mother-in-Law Doesn't Know You're Divorced

13.  Just Give Me a Truffle! - one woman's exasperation with the contradictory bevvy of  Clean
     Eating and Detox Programs

14.  Pity Parties and Road Rage

15.  Fingernails on the Blackboard - the not-so-metaphorical effect of poor grammar

16.  Finally Finding Mr. Right (and not letting him escape this time)

17.  Successful Professional Skyping (without your client realizing you're wearing your bedtime   
      boxers and no support garments)

18.  The "Beating the GPS Game" - available in stores this Christmas!

19.  Constructing the Quintessential DWB letter - a tribute to my dad and his ability to provide a  
      good old-fashioned A$$-whoopin' in the form of a customer service complaint.

20.  Subjecting Your Family & Friends to Linguistic Blunt Force Trauma With Your Harvest of Hope Experiences

21.  Is It Just Me Or Is It Hot In Here? - sharing the menopause experience with loved ones and  
    complete strangers

22.  Why Isn't My Business Lucrative? - 35 ways a whiner avoids the top marketing strategies
    

I'm sure I could go on.  But this would certainly give me enough to do should I ever wrench myself away from Facebook, Words With Friends and marathon evenings of either Frasier or The Big Bang Theory on cable.  sheesh.  If I ever get sucked into sappy Hallmark Channel movies, I'm a goner (No offense, Sue, Betsy and Tara!)

I wonder if being a writer requires an audience.......