Finding Mrs. Write

I really want to be a writer. It's been a desire of mine for quite a long time.  From the short stories that my youngest sister read aloud to college boyfriends in a cockney accent, to the Christmas pageant scripts that I expanded or created because so many little darlings simply had to have a speaking part, to poems that express my grief journey, to this blog, sometimes I just get the urge to write. I've had ideas for a play or two.....I did, in fact, write a one-act fractured fairy tale for my elementary drama club to perform the year I attempted to start the program.  Unfortunately the play was never produced because the leading lady (girl) and leading man (boy) did so much screaming and insulting one another and the associate director and me, that I really couldn't handle the drama.  Ironic, I know......so my writing wings have never fully spread - or some similar metaphor that says that I'm still a frustrated writer wannabe.   I am simultaneously inspired and defeated when I enter a library or Barnes & Noble.  I feel a compulsion to jump into the fray....at the same time looking at the stacks upon stacks of material others have written and can't help but think, "the market is already flooded.  What could I possibly have to say that anyone would find entertaining, useful, interesting, etc?  I'd probably end up on the bargain table right out of the chute." 

I got a Nook for my birthday and I am incredibly excited about it.  I sneak out of bed to secretly scan through all the options for downloading. (although when one does this in their own, grown-up home, and it's nothing illicit or inappropriate, is it really "sneaking"?)   I become disappointed when the samples end, because you see, I don't really want to pay for anything in case I don't like it.  But then my mind starts racing and the blood pumping about all the things I could potentially write that might show up on somebody's Nook or Kindle.  And so I try to squeeze out a thought and I might as well be trying to dig a pearl out of a cow plop. ( I have no idea where that image came from, but I couldn't clear it from my brain so I just typed it).  Somebody once told me that I should just write what I know.  Hmmmmm   interesting concept.  So I made a list of possible book titles that would reflect the topics about which I could share some expertise:


 1.  How to Gain Weight Without Really Trying

2.  101 Uses for M &Ms - The Teacher's Tasty Tool

               and piggy-backing on that one.....

3.  The Art of Applying Alliteration

4.  Church Shopping......Again

5.  1,001 Relationship, Parenting and Career Mistakes....an autobiography

6.  Licking the Same Popsicle....our unhealthy relationships with our pets

7.  Is it Simple Procrastination or Undiagnosed ADD.....Did Somebody Say Ice Cream?

8.  A Survival Guide to Living Wal-Mart-free

9.  Missing Estonia

10.  Living a Duct Tape Life  (this one I have actually, begun to put together as a series of essays)
            and its sequel:
11.  Lazy Days........and Weeks.......and Months.......and Years.

12.  Mr. Wrong - a study in patterns

            and its sequel.......When You're Ex-Mother-in-Law Doesn't Know You're Divorced

13.  Just Give Me a Truffle! - one woman's exasperation with the contradictory bevvy of  Clean
     Eating and Detox Programs

14.  Pity Parties and Road Rage

15.  Fingernails on the Blackboard - the not-so-metaphorical effect of poor grammar

16.  Finally Finding Mr. Right (and not letting him escape this time)

17.  Successful Professional Skyping (without your client realizing you're wearing your bedtime   
      boxers and no support garments)

18.  The "Beating the GPS Game" - available in stores this Christmas!

19.  Constructing the Quintessential DWB letter - a tribute to my dad and his ability to provide a  
      good old-fashioned A$$-whoopin' in the form of a customer service complaint.

20.  Subjecting Your Family & Friends to Linguistic Blunt Force Trauma With Your Harvest of Hope Experiences

21.  Is It Just Me Or Is It Hot In Here? - sharing the menopause experience with loved ones and  
    complete strangers

22.  Why Isn't My Business Lucrative? - 35 ways a whiner avoids the top marketing strategies
    

I'm sure I could go on.  But this would certainly give me enough to do should I ever wrench myself away from Facebook, Words With Friends and marathon evenings of either Frasier or The Big Bang Theory on cable.  sheesh.  If I ever get sucked into sappy Hallmark Channel movies, I'm a goner (No offense, Sue, Betsy and Tara!)

I wonder if being a writer requires an audience.......