.......if you need anything.......

10/31/12

It is 2:35 a.m. and I am keeping the night watch in my mother's room in a place she never wanted to be.  She is in what we believe to be the last days of her life, although we have thought that for a week and a half now.  I came to town 12 days ago for what was to be a weekend stay.  My sister came to town the day after I did because the report from the doctor seemed as though she wouldn't last that weekend.  And here we are.  Waiting.  Watching.

And as we have heartbreakingly marched this leg of the journey, some important lessons have come to me.  To us.   I try to take the perspective in life that no experience is wasted - that God can teach us in the midst of anything.  So here is what I have learned or relearned in this process....

*  I am not ready to be without my mom.  I am ready for her to stop suffering, but I cannot imagine the rest of my life without her.

*  Some people say and do stupid things when someone is dying because they just don't know any better.  Even staff in a nursing home.

*  And because even staff in a nursing home may not "get it", we must advocate for our loved ones and ourselves. 

*  Good friends....really true friends....will bear the unbearable and come visit someone who is dying to say their goodbyes to the friend they loved so much.  And it makes me wonder if I have any really true friends.  I can't even get people to meet me for lunch.

*  Some people do understand what we're going through here.  I am so deeply grateful to my sister's friends who came and sat with us.....and sat in FOR us so we could go make funeral arrangements.....or escape to a decent place for dinner.

* And speaking of dinner, there are oh so many things we would have so appreciated during this time.   I have learned that if anyone I know is ever in this situation, I will do whatever is in my power to help provide:
          some home-cooked meals - we are SO tired of fast food
          some help with finances - We've lost income, not to mention the piling hotel bills and
                 meals being eaten out and, the cost of gas for numerous trips per month before this point. 
                 A gift card here and there (even from other family who for legitimate reasons cannot make
                  the same commitment) would do wonders in easing many a burden.
          some respite time so that they can have a mental health break
          some snacks and drinks - healthy and junk food alike to nibble on
          laundry service
          an opportunity for distraction - leaving to go to my granddaughter's 1st birthday celebration was unbelievably therapeutic - even though I was battling what has become bronchitis.

         

* While comments like "prayers", "hugs" and words like "have faith" look really nice on Facebook posts, they ring hollow to the one whose heart is aching.  Much more meaningful are the private messages.  What would be even better would be a phone call.  A visit.  But in our world of self-serving social media, we have lost the art of true compassion and communication.

*  Piggy-backing on that last one, I have come to realize that my generation has lost the relevance of the greeting card.  I have opened countless cards from my mother's church friends, social organization friends, and general friends.  To buy a card, write in it, address, stamp and mail it, takes effort.  It takes really thinking about someone.  And I am sad to admit that there have been many occasions that I could have, should have, taken that time and effort. 

*  There's a big difference between someone saying "Call if you need anything" and "What do you need?"  We are not likely to call and ask anyone for anything I listed above but if someone posed the latter question, I might be likely to give a concrete answer.  Or if were told when to expect a dinner meal, or some respite time.