Frustrated. Despondent. Impressed. Uneasy. Guilty. Loved. Fearful. Happy. Sorrowful. Awestruck. Exasperated. Melancholy. Failure. Thankful. Hopeful. Hopeless. Itchy. Fat. Unmotivated. Distracted. Overwhelmed. Celebratory. Treasured. Ignored. Alone. Content. Confused.
I write this as the wind whips all around the outside of my little house, the TV is on mute as I await the opportunity to spot a former student in the audience of the Tonight Show. I have plugged in the lights that bedeck the Christmas tree still standing in my living room though it sheds a new batch of needles each day. One of the hardest things for me is taking the tree down. I look forward to it going up with such anticipation and become full of wonder when it does, but as the holiday season rushes past, I don't take as much time as I plan to enjoy the tree....or my Original Snow Village, or any of the other decorations that actually made it out of the bins this year. So I am attempting to find that sense of awe a few minutes longer this evening before the inevitable task is done later this week.
My holidays were wonderful this year. I was showered with love and lovely gifts on Christmas, took in 2 beautiful Christmas Eve services - one of which was especially meaningful in that it involved taking my mother to her own church where she was treated like the returning Queen Mother, the other was equally poignant - and full of well executed music on harp and organ with a fantastic choir and an inspiring message. Following that was the annual Christmas Family Fiasco with its usual laughter, great food, just enough drama and an 85th birthday celebration for Mom. New Year's Eve found me out for dinner, strolling through First Night and 2 - count 'em 2! New Year's Eve parties. The ensuing days provided time with my kids and their significant others and my new granddaughter. I really couldn't have asked for anything more.
So why then, is the list of seemingly contradictory feeling listed at the start of this blog only a small measure of what I have experienced in the past month? I've wondered a great deal lately where my brain as gone.
Some of my family and friends have decided that I have ADD. Some think I am depressed. Or it could be that I am not eating right. Or haven't found a church to put down roots. Or I do too much multi-tasking. I've been told to get rid of stress. (yeah right) Whatever the reason, the signs abound: My house is full of unfinished projects and plans. I get all motivated then find myself plopped on the couch watching the one-eyed monster. I have all kinds of intentions in the professional arena as well - spit-polishing the resume, applying for jobs (that don't exist) and continuing to build the practice. I promise myself that THIS IS REALLY GOING TO BE THE DAY that I take a walk, or get on the bike, or work on renewing my Y membership, or get back to Jazzercise. Or post my resume on CareerBuilder. Or refine the play that I wrote for the elementary drama club that I started a few years back . Or brush the dog. Or clean out emails. The list goes on and on. You'd think with all this unemployed time on my hands I would have conquered all this and solved world hunger to boot.
And the number of things on the list is only exceeded by the well meaning folks who give their input on what I need to do. or the catch phrases that are meant to inspire.....you know, the one-liner versions of a Tony Robbins seminar:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Pull yourself up by your boot straps!
Just do it.
Look on the bright side!
Better days ahead.
Count your blessings.
Don't misunderstand - these are all wonderful sentiments. But sometimes they just don't cut the mustard. They are not enough of a butt kicking to get someone out of bed and get something done.
As I contemplated the host of feelings.....and to be sure - some of them are very positive times I've had......the thought occurred to me that I am currently in a state of not feeling like I have a purpose. It is purpose that makes our feet hit the floor in the morning. It is a sense of purpose that keeps us placing those feet one in front of the other through the mundane to be able to dance in the celebratory.
It is purpose that would provide me the ability to leave a Tides meeting and not feel incredibly alone and unimportant.
Having more of a purpose may lessen the sting of someone who claims I am their best friend yet has not picked up the phone to contact me NOR answer any of my texts or voicemails since I was furloughed.
Purpose would make my days seem less a swirling fog of barely a minor accomplishment and more of something about which to feel satisfied.
Purpose might even get my house cleaned up. Or a few pounds knocked off. Or at the very least, the Christmas decorations put away.
Perhaps I should dig out my copy of The Purpose Driven Life. But that brings to mind all the books I've promised myself I will finish before I start another one. And so it goes.
One of these days, hopefully in the near future, the list of feelings that began this post will be a bit brighter. One of these days, the weather report of my life will be a little sunnier. And then maybe I'll post a blog that is more appealing to read and that I'll actually hit the "share" button rather than the inconspicuous posting this one will receive.
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