God as White Noise

I tried going to church again this morning - this time to one we have already visited a few times.  Because every time I try somewhere else, I get this feeling in my gut that I should be at the one I attended today.  But it didn't deliver.  It was like expecting Cheesecake Factory cheesecake and getting generic sugarless pudding.  I've been pondering lately how I got to this place of spiritual.....not sure what to call it - apathy?  dryness?  disconnect?

 The thought occurred to me the other day that God has become White Noise in my life....you know - the noise that just sort of plays in the background while you go about all your other activities - not really listening, nor being impacted by its music or message....It's actually been close to 6 years since I felt truly passionate about my faith and wanted to live it out visibly and radically.  Let's just say that what hasn't merely disappointed me about some churches where I've invested much of my time and energy, has actually hurt me.  And to add insult to injury, I would get hit with accusations of being overly negative or just having a bad attitude when I tried to express my concerns or discouragement by the people who were supposed to be there to uplift me.  I'm one of those people whose spiritual walk is fueled by giving of myself in ministry.  Needless to say, I'm not ambulating much these days....not sure if I'm even crawling anymore. 

Michael Card has a song whose lyrics are "He calls His sons and daughters to the wilderness" I'm pretty sure God didn't lead me here..I've been in wildernesses before that I sensed were His doing.....I fully realize that I have somehow wandered here all on my own. I do have a tendency to get lost on any trip I take....even with a GPS!



I made the comment recently that I don't know how I had become such a glass half-empty person. But it has pointed out to me by many people, in many situations. I don't want to be that way. I don't think I've always been that way.....but now I'm starting to doubt it. And I can't help but think it's all related to this finding a church/losing track of God thing.


Ironically though I find I'm like a mother bear whose cubs are threatened when anyone decides to dismiss or worse, trash the tenets of my faith.  I am nothing less than incensed when someone blasts the "F" word all over the persons of God or Jesus....or flippantly shrugs off or mocks the beliefs I have somewhere deep inside.  Then after just getting angry, I retreat into my world of white noise again. Occasionally, I find myself crawling out of my pit to offer encouragement to someone searching for God -and I mean every word I offer and I pray fervently for that person in that moment and I've been told I've made a huge difference in their relationship with Him...only to be found soon after moving aimlessly in my own world of holy White Noise.