Missed Opportunities or Meaningful Moments?

I had big plans for this summer.  I had a to do list a thousand miles long that was going to allow me to return to school feeling balanced, satisfied and ..well, normal. I deeply envy people who don't have to call in a bull dozer to find a space to eat dinner each night.  Or the ones who can actually take their clothes out of the closet or drawer to get ready for work in the morning instead of unearthing an unattended to laundry basket or even trying to quick dry a top with a hair dryer then succumbing to wearing wet clothes to work in the hope that during the drive to work, the car heater will have done the job.  Then there are those who DO have to use coasters on end tables because they somehow, abnormally in my opinion, DON'T have 1/2 inch of dust on the surface that serves the same purpose.  And whose dogs didn't chew up every coaster in the house.....or plastic water bottle....or slipper....or sock.  And speaking of dogs, these "normal"  folks, whoever they are, can crawl into bed at night under a bedspread that doesn't look like it's the hide of a furry animal.   But I digress....plans for the summer....

In addition to getting some "house" stuff done, I was going to try to be a counselor at camp, lead a week long gleaning/hunger awareness event, catch up on all manner of professional and pleasure reading, log a great many professional development hours,and most of all. I was hoping beyond hope of landing a really great role in a really great show! One of my dream roles, actually.  I might as well have tried to tackle riding a unicycle and bringing world peace. Interestingly, whether or not I would be able to do most of those things hinged on the question of the stage. Now before I go any further, rest assured that I am very much aware that there are REAL problems in the world.....so if there is anyone out there besides the few friends who can put up with reading me, please don't post hate comments.  I KNOW there is true suffering.  (After all, I am a Pittsburgh Pirates fan! - just kidding!)

So, onto the first "missed opportunity"- having to give up a different role in a play - albeit a small one - because my son was going to be getting a senior award.  I was looking forward to working with the director and the cast members, but when I weighed the choice between the play or my son,this was not a tough decision at all  And sitting in the audience at the senior awards was one of my proudest parent moments.  This is a kid who has not spent his life thus far being the "chosen" one - neither from peers nor educators.  He is a bright, capable, funny, handsome, sensitive and talented young man who finally got his due on that night.  Had I been across town in costume and makeup and missed that moment, I would have kicked myself for the rest of my life.  It was awesome.  The other experience that I would not trade for the world that came from relinquishing that role, was getting to take my 83 year old mom to the Memorial Day parade in the town where I grew up.  She was like a little kid - getting all dressed up in her red, white and blue and waving the flag as she sat next to the road in her wheelchair, waving at people she knew..and of course, collecting candy.  Just before the parade, we met some old neighbors for breakfast - folks we haven't seen in over 10 years. 

Not sure why I stepped away from the hunger event.  I have wanted to lead or at least attend a week-long Harvest of Hope event since the first time I attended a weekend experience 13 years ago.  But for whatever reason it just didn't feel right.  And there was no big event that took its place.....but maybe the series of summer night symphonies, playing with the dog and playing on Facebook provided better therapy than the stresses of leading a largely attended event. 

Not landing one of my dream roles AND losing a respectable role elsewhere due to a few glitches of poor communication ended up giving me greater gifts....one being the chance to get to the beach in New Hampshire.....the beach is something I have been whining about for about 4 years now.  And to take that trip with the son who will be leaving for college in a few weeks - my baby - was a pretty cool thing.  Especially because he drove most of the way! :)  And an even greater gift was attending his college orientation where I witnessed the beginning of his transformation.....from being unsure about his future, and his choices, and still bearing the weight of his past, to someone on his way with his head held high, the promise of new friends and the quest for independence.  In fact, there was even some joy in hearing him moan and groan the whole way home about how cruel it was that they would bring incoming freshmen in for a few days then send them HOME - when all they wanted to do was stay and be at college!  Oh the injustice! Yes, someone else could have accompanied him on that trip and gathered the parental information if I had been cast in the part.  But for me, it was so validating that in all the years of the single parent struggle, I had apparently done something right somewhere....and though I would LOVE to have been on stage, there is no question in my mind that I was where I was supposed to be - not just  for him but also for the gift that I received there.

I have a few other memories I treasure this summer...saying no to camp counseling allowed me to help someone I know with his online coursework....proofreading/editing his papers - "we" got an A on both of them!...getting to see some friends who were visiting from Estonia, if even for a few precious hours ......spending a few days at Lake Erie (despite the meetings mentioned in previous post) one evening on a sightseeing cruise and the other watching a glorious sunset and while in Erie, had a chance to hang out with my nephew and his partner and eating gelato!   I'm not sure which I enjoy more - the ways they make me laugh (the guys, not the gelato), or the fact that they laugh at my melodramatic family story telling.  And, I've broadened my sand castle skills this summer....thanks to Jodi, whose husband's sandcastle I almost walked on while at Whipple Dam earlier in the summer.  I can now almost build something other than my famous "drippy" sandcastle....and my attempts have given my family and friends something to laugh about.....even my mother commented how one of my towers looked like a phallus.  Only she didn't use that word  :)  The woman who couldn't tell me herself about the birds and bees can now comment on my sandcastles without shame!  A cookout with some coworkers also belongs on the list - fresh picked corn, a gorgeous sunset and lots of laughter - hard to beat.  A few date nights squeezed in...that was nice too.. Running around a Pittsburgh casino til midnight with Melissa!  Still to come this month:a cowgirl campfire "soiree'" in my backyard, spending a weekend with my son and daughter in law in their newly purchased house and a mini vacation getaway with my hubby.  

I would love to be able to say that at no time this summer have I licked my wounds....or been told to "get over myself".  Yes, the candle on my pity party cake every so often flickers back to life like those exasperating trick birthday candles that refuse to be blown out. But I keep coming back to:  the things I so desperately wanted for the summer....that I seemingly "missed out" on have unexpectedly opened other doors. And the more I think about them, the more grateful I am.  I guess that's what our parents and grandparents meant by that whole cloud and silver lining thing.