Yesterday I sat contemplating the Circle of Life. No, not the song from The Lion King – I was never really much of a fan of that movie. Nor am I a fan of the actual circle of life. My contemplation time took place in the waiting room of the orthopedic surgeon who was going to inject my second round of synvisc into my knees. That’s right – an OLD PEOPLE treatment! And I wondered how in the world I got here!
I look at parents with chubby faced little cherubs and wonder exactly how and when I officially got booted out of that club?!? Because inside, I still think and feel mostly the way I did in that stage of my life. And to be honest, I am more ready to be a Mom again instead of a Grandmom. I would say “Don’t tell my son and his wife this” – but that would be unnecessary because
1. They already have a clue because when asked what I want their future children to call me, my answer is still “Your Majesty will suffice”
2. I’m pretty sure I could successfully bet money that they don’t read my blog! :)
I look at folks of my mother’s generation and wonder if that is how I am seen by those young parents (and my own kids) - as just a thin veneer of mayonnaise away from being one of the slices of bread on their future Sandwich Generation status. (Sidebar – I propose we move away from that metaphor and adopt more of a Salad Generation stance – more on that in a future post – if my memory holds out that long!)
I look at myself when I try to get out of bed in the morning and can’t help but think that this whole circle thing is just plain sucks! I am so not looking forward to needing assistance in any and all manner of activities of daily living (to put it delicately). So I am proposing recommendations to the universe – we need, as much as I hate to coin such a cliché phrase: a paradigm shift. And I’m ok with whichever is selected – but I want one to happen – and I want it NOW!
Option #1 – I propose that rather than having to endure the aging process in a circle –we make it more of a Straight Line With Benefits Plan. Let’s start life out as we do now, because honestly, who can resist cute baby giggles and first steps and all that? And let’s get adolescence out of the way as planned because living in anticipation of that horrid experience will only make the angst more severe. But let’s change it up just after we given birth to our kiddos- from that point on I say we freeze the physical condition and ramp up the energy level and zest for living in progressive measures each year. So that grandmas will be able to pursue with vigor those activities they put on hold while they were raising their kids. We will assume of course that appropriate wisdom will come with age but hard learned lessons will not carve our faces into that dried apple doll look. K? And for goodness sake, let’s make the wardrobe attractive, please. I’m sure Alfred Dunner and the people who make Depends can find some other avenue of generating revenue.
Option #2 - I propose that we change the cultural perspective of aging. All we need to do is get the media on board because let’s face it – they’re the ones impressing on everyone from girls aged 5 – 95 that there is a particular set of “acceptable” conditions of body size, skin tone, hair style - you name it. “I have a dream” that one day young girls will be saying “I can hardly wait til my boobs sag and my hair is lifeless! Botox? Are you KIDDING? I am buying Neutrogena’s Wrinkle Me Now cream – it gives the impression of laugh lines and crow’s feet even if you don’t have them! It’s awesome!” Or, “please, Dr. Optomotrist can you put me in fake bifocals? Contacts? NO WAY – I want to look like my grandma – she’s a hottie!” Wouldn’t it be great to hear them shuffling into breakfast whining “When am I ever going to have everything hurting when I get out of bed! And why does my hair have to be so shiny and bouncy?… being young stinks – I want to be old NOW!” Wouldn’t it be great to be able to still have the upper hand in acquiring knowledge – like catching onto the latest technology and having to teach it to our kids? Oh – and how about being the originators of the latest slang? Oh yeah – I can dig it. We’ll call this the Advanced Age is Awesome approach.
I think I might be onto something here. Does anyone have the number for The New York Times, CNN and The Enquirer? Or maybe we could just start it as a viral movement on the internet…….
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