Celebrating Unexpected Gifts

In a few minutes it will be Christmas Eve.  I love Christmas time....usually.  I am typically the one who catches the wave of Christmas spirit sometime in October and rides it through the 6th of January. This year has been different - I've had a serious case of the Cindy Lou Who Where Are You Christmas? Syndrome (CLWWAYCS)  Those closest to me or even those choosing to keep their distance who know me via Facebook can attest to the fact that I have struggled mightily these past several weeks.  Falling behind in all manner of Christmas preparation.....feeling Christmasy....having any goodwill toward men....or women.  Or even children and small animals for that matter!

  As I said, it is very nearly Christmas Eve and still there is not a single light hung that would tell neighbors or those driving by that we even know what season it is.  There is not a single cookie baked.  The final present was purchased at approximately 10 p.m. this evening....which is not too bad considering the first one was bought at approximately noon yesterday.

   My current state of being would not divulge to an onlooker the extreme range of emotions I have traveled in the recent past - everything from utter frustration to downright weariness...with a few fits of rage but also some buoyant happiness thrown in between. 

  This has been very disturbing to me.  (and to those around me to whom I sincerely apologize)  I am the Christmas Girl!  For crying out loud, I believe in Santa- for real.  It is my dream to be Mrs. Santa when I grow up! 

And yet in the midst of this longing for something that seems unattainable this holiday season, I am very aware of some gifts I received even before the tree finally made it in the door...and some that continue to quietly, almost unobservedly make their way and their presence known in my life.

1. My mom. 
     Of course, she didn't just show up in my life.  She's been around for....well, all of it.  But I know many people who will be celebrating Christmas this year with a hole in their hearts....and would give their right arms and legs to have one more Christmas with their mothers.  In fact, there was a period of about 8 months 2 years ago where I thought I would have surely joined those ranks.  But we are blessed to still have her with us....and in fact, one of the many reasons so much was left til the end (and still remains undone) is that Mom requested to go her church last Sunday, followed by the Christmas lunch.  So I went to Pittsburgh to make sure she got there.  She doesn't often want to go to church anymore, so this was a big deal.  And her presence there was like the Queen Mother returning after a long trip.  When they announced from the pulpit that they were glad to see her, the congregation burst into spontaneous applause.  It was my privilege to be her escort and I will probably be posting a blog about her in the near future.

2.  M34
    The experience of playing Doris Walker this holiday season bestowed upon me innumerable and immeasurable
gifts.....friends....opportunity....laughter....and so much more that would just make this blog unbearably long to read....one of the most significant effects was to receive a gift bag and card 2 days after the show closed, from one of the students in my school whom I had recruited for the cast......the card thanked me for this "amazing opportunity"....and she had written that I had "inspired" her.  Wow.  Wow.  I can't think of anything better in the whole world than to have influenced a kid in a positive way.  But for a 6th grader to tell me I inspired her?  Well, I don't think even Santa OR the red Lexus or Mercedes can compete with that one.

3.  Endorphins.
    No this is not some new toy on the market, nor does it have anything to do with dwarves.  Rather, it has been the few but important opportunities to laugh.....the Sisters of Soiree did our thing a few weeks ago...that is to say...we soireed.....and the laughter was raucous and bawdy and much much needed. On the final day of school before break, I customarily help lead the interim singing for our school Christmas program.  This year, one of the teachers came to tell me afterward that I have a beautiful voice.  That simple compliment couldn't have been more profound considering the concerns I've been having about my voice and ability of late.   My grandpuppyson came today for the holidays and it is impossible to spend any time at all with him without laughing.  I was even victim to incidental giggling when someone with whom I don't have a very fond mutual relationship, posted something in response to my comment on another friend's facebook status that was genuinely funny.  And ya know...it felt good to know that even though he and I will probably never belong to a mutual admiration society, I could have a moment of appreciation of his humor.

4. Sharing Christmas.
  This might seem contradictory to the opening paragraphs. But it is in sharing Christmas that I have found those few and far between glimpses of my own Christmas spirit.  A young woman with whom I have been acquainted through my travels to Estonia has spent the last few weeks in town visiting her fiance.  He works each evening so I offered to spend some time with her.  One evening we went out for a quick dinner, then after an appointment I had, we went to see the Lights on the Lake display at Lakemont Park. Her enjoyment and awe were so genuine and delightful that I found myself feeling a little lighter in heart that evening.  I even talked her into having our picture taken with Santa....something she did NOT really want to consider at first.  She and her fiance joined us here this afternoon for an early dinner and she stayed and visited for a while afterward.  Sitting in the (finally straightened up) living room with the tree lights on and the candlelit Nativity scene, we talked about Estonia, and family and Christmas and music.  Which led to her playing the piano that usually sits silent in my home because none of us have ever learned to play it.  Without any artwork on my walls or carpeting on the floor, the sound was resonant and beautiful and the memory of it brings tears to my eyes as I type.

5. Love.
   While this seems like a no brainer, I am struck by the realization that I am loved....oh I know, my family loves me...and they tell me this regularly.  But love has come to me in other, truly unexpected forms recently......in a box of truffles  (oh my gosh...what an experience a truffle is! - talk about endorphins!)....in beautiful flowers at the M34 performance....in a poinsetta before leaving school for the holidays....in a concerned text message....in the Sisters of Soiree loading up a van and coming to the M34 performance.....in receiving a treasured "souvenir" of becoming and being Doris  at the Playhouse....in a story that makes me appreciate the color orange....in a festive tin from The Popcorn Factory thanking me for caring for my mom....in a box of dark chocolate non-pareils......in my sons doing the dishes this evening.....

6. Tradition.
 Christmas tradition was always big in my family growing up.  And I was the one who held voraciously to it.  You just don't mess with tradition when it comes to me and Christmas (which, as I think about it, might be part of the initial presenting issue of this post - my being behind is not allowing me to carry out tradition)  My younger sister and I have this practice of trying to be the first to call the other on the 23rd of December to sing "It's the Day Before the Night Before Christmas" - a song that was on an old album we had as kids.  In recent years, my sons have gotten in on the game, reminding me to call her just after midnight or asking who "won" this year.  Our cell phone service was down last night so Leslie won by default, although I didn't get the message til this morning.  I had tried to call.  And I saw that early in the day I had received a text from my older son saying "It's the Day Before the Night Before Christmas!"  and that made me smile....but not nearly as much as hearing the boys talking tonight and apparently he had CALLED his brother to tell him the same thing at 6:15 a.m.!  That they may carry on this silly little practice brings me a great measure of joy.   Another little tidbit that means the world to me was our discussion of what, if any cookie gets baked, should be our possibly one and only kind of Christmas cookie.  The vote was unanimous - and it just happened to be my own favorite- thumbprints!

I miss having my village display up.  I miss lights in the windows.  I miss the beautiful decorations that hold wonderful memories that I just had no time or space to place throughout our little house. I am sad that I didn't get on the stick with Advent readings and reflection this year.  Mostly I feel lost without a church home in which to be singing with choirs and worship teams, or a kids' Christmas play to write and direct or any of the other activities to which I had been accustomed in driving home the real celebration going on here.   
 
I think there are going to be some presents under the tree for me this year.  And I will love and appreciate them.  But the recognition of the gifts listed here will also play a very large part in Christmas coming to my heart.  I do expect its arrival....even though later than usual...and later than I would have liked....but I am believing it will come -  and when it does,  I will welcome it.

And as I finish this post, I realize it is now Christmas Eve and has been for over an hour....which means that I have just received another gift - the ability to sit and think through and write about, much that has eluded me.  If you've made it this far, thanks for hanging in there.  I consider it an honor....and yes, another gift for the list!

Merry Christmas!