I am a frustrating and confusing mish mash of thought, emotion and spirit. I am caught somewhere in the conundral (not a word, I know) spectrum between wanting to impact the world and wanting to fold in on myself and turtle (now used as a verb) in on myself, in pajamas, under blankets.
When our little part of the world went into lockdown, quarantine, stay at home - whatever you want to call it, I welcomed it; partly because I am an introvert and I longed for some time at home, away from my busy schedule, to do what I wanted to do. I also welcomed it because just prior to the virus heading to the United States and these orders (or guidelines) going into place, I was feeling pretty completely burned out by my life. Frustration with people, really beginning to dislike certain parts of my jobs, dealing with chronic pain for which I could get few answers and little relief which caused seriously disrupted sleep - all of these were piling up. So for those first two weeks that schools were closed, I sat on my can, in my pjs - often until late afternoon, reading, dozing, watching TV and eating. So much eating. Actually, I can't even remember what exactly I did with that time. Except cook and eat. I'm pretty afraid to put on clothing that isn't intended for sleeping or yoga. So yeah - I'm feeling pretty conflicted about a lot of things.
1. I am GRATEFUL/GUILTY grateful that I have work I can do remotely (and hope that I can continue to get paid for all of it) but feeling guilty that I don't have a job that's on the front lines. Grateful - SOOO grateful for those who are showing up to those essential jobs but feeling like a heel that I am not doing something more directly to help in this crisis. It's kind of like survivor guilt but without knowing the somebodies who are suffering in the line of duty.
2. I am FEARFUL/HOPEFUL I find my thoughts swirling into near despair at times. I have family members who are first responders, medical professionals, and immuno-compromised. I am personally apparently in a higher risk group because even though internally I feel like a 27 year old, my birth certificate places me in a different demographic. I have also ended up in a walk in clinic with breathing treatments more than once in the past few years. Like, almost every time I get a cold. So I am taking the stay at home VERY seriously, and trying not to dissolve when I have to go to the grocery store. I am hopeful that the members of my family who have tested positive and are presumed positive will see full recovery. I am hopeful that because the rest of us are staying in place, we will not become ill.
3. I am GRIEVING/CELEBRATING The things I have lost because of all of this are painful. And even though relative to the losses of others mine would seem insignificant, they have meaning for me. I miss my grandkids so much it makes me cry sometimes. To not be able to snuggle and kiss my brand new grandson is killing me. Seeing him in person only 3 times since December is not ok with me. And my newest granddaughter is developing so much personality that I only get to witness in videos or on Face Time. And don't get me wrong - I am SOO thankful for those opportunities. When I hear the 3 older girls tell me they miss me and they wish we were together, I wish I could tell them when we will get to snuggle again. Even though I know if we were together, they would be off playing with their friends with hardly a nod toward me. And that's ok. I've also lost the opportunity to be in 2 shows I was REALLY looking forward to. At least for the foreseeable future. But you know what? I am celebrating technology. I remember the days when we took our kids' pictures, had to get the film developed, and IF the photos came out decent, we would snail mail them to parents and siblings. And by that time, the kids didn't even look the same anymore. It is quite handy to actually get to video chat and watch recorded videos of squeaks and squawks of babies and hear and see my sons and their wives.
4. I am RELIEVED/CONCERNED Life has become simpler. We are eating the food in the house. I am not traipsing home after dark every night after a 10 - 12 hour day of working with sometimes evening activities, and still having to do work or get ready for tomorrow. There are fewer meetings to be staying out for and all of the comparative and expectant culture seems to have slowed down. In fact, there is nothing to be staying out for. Especially with the newly instituted 8:00 curfew. I am enjoying the difference in pace. (Except for the guilt mentioned above for all the humans who can't say that). But, I am concerned for what may or may not be left when some or all of this lifts. I wonder what businesses will still be in business. I wonder who I know who will not have a job, or enough to eat, or will lose their homes? I wonder if any of those will be me. I wonder how in the world we are going to recover from the amount of debt being undertaken to prevent those things from happening. I am concerned for the families who will lose loved ones in all of this.
I really just want Calgon to take me away. Or really, to take 'Rona away.
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